IN LIGHTER VEIN.

New Zealand Times, Volume LXVII, Issue 3330, 12 January 1898, Page 1 (Supplement)

IN LIGHTER VEIN.

TWO TONICS. Willie: “ Pa; what’s a tonic ?” Pa : “ It’s something you take to brace you up.” Willie ; “ Well, what’s a teutonic—something to brace you too much ? HE LOOKED IT. One of the many private secretaries at the national capital of the United States is still new to his honours. One day a newspaper woman, full of business, burst into the office of the secretary’s chief. The great man was out. “ Can you tell me when he will bo in 1 ” she asked. “ Really,” drawled tile elerk, “ 1 haven’t an idea.” “ Well;” said the newspaper woman, as she turned to be, " I must say you look it; BETTER THAN MUSIC. The following story is told of Colonel John B. Wyman, of the 13th Illinois Infantry, one of the best soldiers of the Army of the south-west during the American Civil War. While on the march through Arkansan, Wyman’s regiment was approaching A toWn,when the colonel, who was riding at tile •head of the regiment, turned to his band and said, “ Boys, give us some music.” The band began to play, and Wyman noticed that one of the drummers did not drum. Reining in bis horse, he cried out, “ Why don’t you drum 1 The drummer, very much alarmed—-for Wyman was a severe disciplinarian—left his place in the ranks, and, approaching the commander, said, “ Colonel, I’ve got a big fat turkey in the drum. If you don’t say anything about it, I will give you half of it.” The colonel replied, in a loud voice, “ If you’ve got a headache, why don’t you say so 1 Of course you need not drum ! ” The colonel dined on turkey next day, DENTISTRY MADE EASY. First Dentist: “The fact is, I’ve got gentleness down to such a fine point I that all my patients go to sleep while | I’m pulling their teeth.” Second Dentist: “ That’s nothing ! Mine are beginning to have their photographs taken while I operate because they always have such pleasant expressions on their faces.” A NATURAL DEDUCTION. “ Yes, my hands are soft,” said young De Dudely at a small party the other night as he gazed admiringly at his useless appendages. Then lie added ; “ Do you know how I do it ? I always sleep with ray gloves on.” “ And do you sleep with your hat on, too ? ” asked a pert young lady. “ On, no,” answered the dude. And then he could not imagine what the company were smiling about. NOT IN THE DICTIONARY. Teacher ; “ What word are you looking for, Brown ?” Boy Brown: “Why, teacher, you wanted to know what a woman would be called who performed a brave act. Now a man who acts bravely is a hero, but I can’t find the word for a brave woman.” Teacher ; “ What is the word V Brown : “ Shero ; but it’s not in this dictionary.” GETTING IT OVER AT ONCE. An old millionaire refused point blank to lend £SO to a bosom friend. “ Well, I did not expect that of you,” said the would-be borrower, rising and preparing to leave indignantly. “I will never forgive you for this refusal.”

“Of course you won’t, my dear fellow,” replied tlie screw with the utmost calmness; “but if I’d lent you the £SO you wouldn’t have paid me, and we should have quarrelled about that, so it's as well to get the row over at once. Good morning,” ENGLISH' AS SHE IS BROKE. English is said to be one of the hardest languages in the world for a foreigner to learn. The verbs and prepositions are particularly puzzling. An educational journal tells of the troubles of a Frenchman with the verb “to break.’ “ I begin to understand your language better,” said my French friend, M. Dubois, to me, “ but your verbs trouble me still. You mix them so with prepositions. I saw your friend, Mrs Murketon, just now,” he continued. “ She says she intends to break down her school earlier than usual. Am I right there? ” “ Break up her school, she must have said.” “Oh, yes, I remember; break up school.” “ Why does she do that ? ” I asked “ Because her health is broken into.” “ Broken down.” “ Broken down 1 Oh, yes ! And, indeed, since fever has broken up in town——” “ Broken out.” “ She thinks she will leave it for a few weeks.” “ Will she leave her house alone 1 ” “ No ; she is afraid it will be broken —broken How do I say that 1 ” “Broken into.” “ Certainly"; it is what I meant to say.” “Is her son to bo married soon 2” “No; that engagement is broken broken—” “Broken off.” “Yes; broken off.” “ Ah, I had not heard that! ” “ She is very sorry about it. Her sou only broke the news down to her last week. Am I right? lamanxious to speak English well.” “He merely broke the news; no preposition this time,” “It is hard to understand. That young man, her son, is a fine young fellow—a breaker, I think.” “ A broker, and a fine fellow. Goodday ! ” So much for the verb “ break/’ Who shall decide? The man with the yellow whiskers was in a philosophic mood. “I have noticed,” said he, dropping four lumps of sugar in his cup to sweeteu the coffee grounds, “ that in an argument with a man a woman always has the last word;” “ Correct,’’ said the man with the Roman hose, glancing reflectively at his empty plate. “ And in an argument between two women— —” The man with the Roman nose did not deign to notice an admonitory cough from the man with the barbedwire beard. “ death alone can decide who is the victor.” The hostess left the table, ostensibly to see about dessert, but the most casual observer could see that she was about something, WELL-MEANT, BUT--. English cyclists travelling on the Continent have many queer experiences. A young man who was bicycling in southern France was pushing his machine up a steep hill when he overtook a peasant with a donkey Cart who was making but little progress, though the donkey was doing his best. The benevolent cyclist, putting his left hand against the back of the cart and guiding hia machine with the other, pushed so hard; that the donkey, taking fresh courage, pulled his load up to the top successfully. The summit reached, the peasant burst into thanks to his benefactor, “It was very good of you, indeed, monsieur,” he protested. I should never in the world have got up the hill with only one donkey 1 ” BILL NYE. Mr James Whitcomb Riley tells these etorieS of the famous humorist, Bill Nye:— One day in midwinter the train stopped at a way station in the West, and Bill Nye had five minutes to wait. Mr Nye’s roving eye had discovered that the plush leather pillows of the sofa in the smoking compartment of the ear we were riding in were unattached, says the Indianapolis Journal. Without a word he picked up the leather cylinders and placed one under each arm, with tassels to the front. He was an invalid in looks, as well as in strength, and when he appeared upon the platform thus equipped the astonished natives watched him with silent, sympathetic curiosity as he strode up and down, apparently seizing the opportunity for a little muchneeded exercise. The rest of us had to hide to keep from exploding, but he was utterly oblivious to the stares and comments until ho returned to the car. No ’explanation was vouchsafed, and the primitive inhabitants of that town are probably still wondering what horrible malady compelled that invalid to wear those outlandish cushions. A favourite amusement with him was the reading of imaginary signs at the stations when we were travelling. When the trains would stop and that a luish would come over the car, with half the people wondering who their fellow passengers were and the other half viewing the little grocery on the one side of the station, restaurant or billboard on the other, Mr Nye would break forth and begin to read the billboard aloud : —“ Soda water, crackers —highest price paid for hides and tallow—also ice cream, golden syrup, and feathers.” The passengers across the aisle would perk their ears, then rise and come craning tkeir necks,' to find the words he was reading from the billboard, or finally some old fellow would come up to the seat and declare that he could not find where it said that. In a quiet way this would tickle Nye beyond measure—away down in the depths of his sad, pathetic spirit.

His conferences with the train boys have often nearly given me convulsions. When the boy banded him a book Nye would ask with great interest what it was about, and listen patiently to all the boy know of its contents. “ L?t’s see it,” and he would open the book and read aloud, in a monotonous singsong, a lot of purest nonsense, drawn from iiis imagination. It was done so, seriously that the boy’s eyes would begin to hang out as the reading went on. Finally, Nye would shut the book up with a snap, losing the place, and hand it back to the boy with a puzzled air, as if he did not understand why the young man had lied so about its contents. We could find that boy for an hour afterwards searching diligently the pages of that book to find w here that stuff was printed.