THE LAUGHTER-BOX.

New Zealand Times, Volume LVII, Issue 2413, 19 January 1895, Page 2 (Supplement)

THE LAUGHTER-BOX.

A little nboeenso now and thou la relished by the wisest men. ; . HUDIBIAB, WHAT’S IN A NAME? : A life insurance man, whose business chiefly lies in connection with general indexes—those books which contain tho names of tens, of thousands of provident, people all over Australasia—hao made up .a list of r names of members which struck him as peculiar. They are not peculiar in themselves, but certainly the connection is somewhat singular.. There are a Body and a Soul, a Head, Scull, Brain, Hair, Face, Ej es, Temple, Chin, Tooth, Pallett, Tongue And Cheek; Blood and Yarns; a Frame with Cones, ; Joynts, Arms, Hands, Palmes, Fingers, Leggs, Hnees, and at least one Foot with Toe, Heal and Sole; a Hart and ta ..Back,/ and both Hight and Weight. Being a life assurance office we look for Death, and, lo! it is there ! NEARER THAN HE THOUGHT. A Scottish divine was busy in his study composing and rehearsing his sermon for Sunday, and at the same time enjoying a w?Jff of a fragrant weed, when his studies were rudely interrupted by tlie appearance of one of his elders, who was a great tee-, totaller and anti-tobacconist. ‘ Good morning, 'Mr. Morrison/ said the reverend doctor, as he offered his visitor a chair, 'I hope you are all well at home/ ‘Ou,. ay, we’re a’ fine, thank ye. But, man, I’m sair astonished and vexed tae see you, a minister, sae busy burnin’ incense tae Sawtan.’ ‘ Oh, I see/ said the doctor between the puffs. ‘ Well, if I am, X had no idea he was so near me/ ' ''NAME-FADS. ' * ■ An 'Amused’ public vaccinator in a rural district of Sussex, who has been making a collection of the names of the rustic children brought to him for treatment,; sends the cream to.the Standard. , Among girls he has bagged Gladys Irene Florence, Doris Alma . May, Baleen CEnide, Dora Vinita, and Margaretta Lavinia ; and among boys, Norman Archibald, Cyril Granville, Douglas Dennis Richmond, and Cyril Dudley. These children, he remarks, will be our future scullery and other maids, grooms, gardeners, and so forth. Well, why not ? What’s in a name ( , A groom called. Norman Archibald can care for a‘ horse as well as Tom, Dick or Harry.— London Globe. . . ( , < P ILLITERATE VOTERS. Speaking of the London School Board election, the Olohe says-*—‘Of the many humours of the poll recorded in this morning’s papers, perhaps the best is the Daily Telegraph*s old lady who, after, declaring her illiteracy, replied, in-answer to ,the question how she wished the paper marked, “I want to vote for Annie Sinclair; Fin a woman myself, and I want to support Annie 'Sinclair—plumpers.” There being no candidate of that name, puzzlement supervened, until it transpired that the good lady had unconsciously identified the word Anti-Circular with an imaginary candidate named Annie Sinclair / . ; :

. WANTED THE EDITOit. The office boy, who was also guardian of the gate of the Occidentalism was sunning himself lazily in-front of the office when a rough-looking citizen,, with his' pantaloons in his boots and a gun in his coat-tail pocket, approached the portcullis. 'Can I see the editor?’ he asked, in a voice that sounded like a brass drum out of tune. ‘Do you want him to see yon?’ asked the guardian significantly. . ‘1 don’t care if he does or not, so long’s I can see him.’ This did not strike the guardian propitiously. ‘ What do you want to see him about?’ ho asked on another tack. ‘About four minutes and a half,’ was the rather equivocal reply. ‘ls it personal ?’ enquired the boy, disregarding the ancient form of witticism in the answer. ‘Yes.’ ‘ Want to lick him?” ‘No; want to pay my subscription for last year and the,year to come.’ The boy jumped up 5 he hadn’t moved previously. • Walk right in,’ ho said, shoving the door open; ‘walk right in; but say, mister, don’t spring it on him sudden; he ain’t used to it, and, something might happen.’ , ■ - - ‘HITCHING* IN A HUEEY. The gander-legged young man in a skyblue necktie came hurriedly into the, squire’s office and laid a legal dooumert before, that potentate. ‘ Is that papir negotiable in this market?’ he enquired; anxiously. The squire looked over it long enough to determine in his own mind that it was a marriage license. *1 suppose it is,’ replied the squire, ‘but"it cannot le validated, so to speak, unless the party cf tho second part is present.* ‘ You mean the gal ?t asked the negotiator, more nervous than before. ;‘I do/-,, ‘She’s all fight; she’s outside in the waggon holdin’ the hosses.’ ‘You don’t expect me to go out there to perform tho ceremony, do you Y asked the squire haughtily; ‘Have you got the power to fix the business?’, enquired the young man, apparently of the belief |

that the squire had to call in the police or a preacher or some other functionary. • Certainly; I’ve got all the paraphernalia right here, handy; all I need is the girl.’ ‘And the wholo caboodle wouldn’t amount to shucks, ; without her, would it ?’ asked the youth, with a smile as happy as it was sheepish. ‘Hardly.’ ‘Shake, old man,’ exclaimed the Romeo, extending his hand. ‘Shake once for luck. I’ll go right out and hitsh the bosses, and fetch in the gal, and you can* hitch us. Here’s 50 cents to show you I moan business,’ and he hustled out to hitch the horses preparatory to the other hitching. . WAITING FOE A BREEZE. A gentleman riding through Sydenham saw a board with the words ‘ This Cottage for Sail J painted on it. Seeing a woman in front of the cottage, ho stopped and asked her; very politely- when the cottage would sail. ‘Just as soou as the man comes who can raise the wind.’ was the quiet reply. HE. WANTED ‘THREE STAR.’ ‘Have you Three Star brandy ?’ said the weary traveller, as he ranged up to his berth at the rear of the bush shanty. ‘X don’t know whither Oi hov any three star,’ said the landlord, ‘ but Oi hov some of the rale sthuft bore, and two glasses uv it’ll make you see fourteen stars any day'— comets, too, bo labors.’ But the weary one took no interest in astronomy.—‘Wornmora,’ in the Australasian. Now that phrenology’ is coming to the front we should like to hoar from some expert who; can tell us what is iu a barrel by examining its head.