FOR DULL MOMENTS.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 1756, 1 November 1905, Page 66

FOR DULL MOMENTS.

She: "My brother tells me you have been going in for a little speculation on the Stock Exchange lately. Were you a bull or a bear P” He : "Neither, I was an ass.” Mr Jones: “Look here! This horse you sold me runs on to the pavement every time he sees a motor car.” Horse Healer: "Well, he does his best; you don’t expect a £5 horse to run up a telegraph pole or climb a tree, do you ?” Customer: "You say, then, that this material is the latest?” Shopman: "The very latest, madame.” "But will it fade in the sun?” "Why, it has been lying in the window for two years, and look how well it has stood.” A Scotsman, having hired himself to a farmer, had a cheese set down before him that he might help himself. Presently his master said to him, "Sandy, you take a long' time to dinner.” “In troth, master,” answered he, "a cheese o’ this size is no sae soon eaten as ve may; think.” "You called me a ‘political jobber’ in your paper this morning,” said the irate visitor. "Yes,” replied the editor, "that was a bad break. I discharged that compositor immediately.” "Oh! then you didn’t mean to say that?” "Certainly not. I wrote ‘robber’ very plainly.” * Young Enthusiastic Artist (innocently): "I presume, Miss Fitzdook, you paint?” Miss Fitzdook (indignantly, misapplying his remarks): "Sir, do you intend to insult Young Artist (very embarrassed): *Dh, ’pon my word, Miss Fitzdook, don’t think for a moment I alluded to the paint on your face.” Bishop Goodman (impressively): "Only think, children. In Africa there are 10,000,000 square miles of territory without a single Sunday school where little hoys and girls can spend their Sundays. Now, what should we all try to save up our money and do?” Class (in ecstatic union): "Go to Africa !” Aman went into a chemist’s shop and bought a bottle of some patent stuff which was advertised thus:— No More Coughs. No More Colds. Is the Bottle. < Three days later he went to the chemist, complaining that his throat was stopped up, and that he could scarcely, breathe. T’ve drunk all that patent cough mixture,” he said. "Drunk it?” yelled the chemist. "Why, that’s an indiarubber solution to put on the soles of your hoots.”

“I have a suspicion,” said an editor, <f That we do not give people enough to laugh at. We are too serious. A inere column or two of jokes and fun is not enough. We need to give pages jpf matter that will amuse folk.” “Don’t De alarmed,” said an unkind listener. 'Those who read your paper are amused right along, and never stop laughing while they’re, at it. In fact they often laugh about it for days afterwards.” But the editor was not gratified. Soon after Dr Creighton was appointed to the Bishopric of London, Mrs Creighton, always an active co-worker with her husband, had been addressing a meeting of working-class mothers on the home duties, and overheard one of them commenting to her gossip. “Yes, ’twae all very fine; she’s a nice lady and a first-class speaker. But I should like to* ask her this: ‘What does she do when old Creighton comes home drunk?’ ” This tale was told to a very serious clergyman of the London diocese. His face grew very long, and he asked in sepulchral tones, “But does the Bishop ever cpme home ?” The teacher was giving the school a little lecture on good conduct. “Let me caution you on another point, children,” she said. “Avoid criticising. Don’t make a practice of finding fault, with other people, or picking flaws in what they say or do. It is a very bad habit to form, and will make your own life unhappy.” “Why, teacher,” spoke up a little boy, “that’s the way my father makes his livin’!” “You surprise me, George. What is your father’s occupation?” “He’s a proof reader, ma’am.” The teacher coughed behind her fan. “Well, George,” she said, “I will make an exception in the case of your father.”

A writer who was fond of anathematising the long-winded methods of lawyers once perpetrated the following —lf a man were to give another an orange he would merely say, “I give you this orange.” But when the transaction is entrusted to a lawyer to put into writing, he adopts this form —“I hereby give, grant, and convey to you all and singular my estate and interest, right; title, claim, and anvantage of and in the said orange/together with all its rind, skin, juice, pulp, and pips, and

all right and advantage therein, with full power to bite, cut, suck, and otherwise eat the same, or give the same away as fully and effectively as I, the said A. 8., am now entitled to bite, cut, suck, or otherwise eat the same orange or give the same away, with or without its rind, skin, juice, pulp, and pips, anything hereinbefore or hereinafter, or in any other deed or deeds, instrument, or instruments, of what nature or kind soever to - the contrary in any wise notwithstanding.”

An American gentleman relates the following as an incident of an automobile accident whereby a lady friend who was riding with him was rendered insensible. "It was well' out in the country, and I ran to the nearest house and said to a woman who came to the door: ‘A lady, has been hurt. —thrown from a carriage. She is lying down there in’the road. Can you give me some whisky for her?’ ” "Well, no, we. don’t keep no whisky,” said the nativeborn after some deliberation. "Would the lady like a piece o’ pie?” When P. T. Barn um was at the head of his "great- moral show” it was his rule to send complimentary tickets to clergymen, and the custom is continued to this day. .Not long after the Rev Hr Walker succeeded to the pastorate of the Rev Dr Hawkes in Hartford, there came to the parsonage, addressed to Hr Hawkes, tickets for the circus with the compliments of the famous showman. Dr Walker studied the tickets for a moment and then remarked : "Hr Hawkes is dead, and Mr Barnum is dead ; evidently they haven’t met.” Senator Mark Hanna was famous for his homely, pointed stories, many of which were.his own invention, but none of them was better than his reply to a reporter who asked him if he would consent to be a candidate for the Presidential nomination against President Roosevelt. "Hid you ever hear the story of the two skunks?” he asked. "They were sitting by the roadside one day when a big automobile came whizzing along, leaving a trail of gasolene that was blown down on the animals. Whereupon one skunk turned to the other and remarked in a tone of utter disgust: ‘Say, what’s the use ?’ ”