WIT AND HUMOUR

New Zealand Mail, Issue 1726, 29 March 1905, Page 14

WIT AND HUMOUR

'Why was Wagner Like Opium?—'Because he was a great composer. She—" You should always make light of your troubles, dear.” He—“l do. Whenever a tradesman sends me a bill I burn it!” "She said I might kiss her on either cheek.” ""What did you do?” "I hesitated a long time between them.” "They say that old C'onponnes, the banker, has nntold wealth.” "Yes, that’s what the tax collector suspects.” A Compromise.—Mirandi—"No, Fred, I won't take the armchair; you take it.” Fred—" Er—suppose we both take it!” He—" But couldn’t you learn to love me, Ida?” She —"I don’t think I could, George.” He (spitefully reaching for his hat) —"It is as I feared. You are too old to learn.” Mother —"Willie, run across the street and see how old Mrs Brown is this morning.” Willie (a little later) —"Mrs Brown say’s it’s none of your business how old she is.” "Most unhappy marriages are caused by a very common mistake.” "What is it ?” "Many a man in love with only a dimple or a curl makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl ” "Why is it,” asks the philosopher, "that misfortunes ne'/tr come singly ?” "Can’t say,” replied the other man, "unless it is that on account of the reception they get they’re afraid to travel alone.” After a more severe reproof than usual, little Bessie, who is extraordinarily sensitive. thought diligently for a minute, and then said—"Mamma, isn't there any way a child can get a divorce from its parents ?” A Miss-understanding.—Bride, to demonstrative groom—"Oh, Jack, you shouldn’t kiss me before all those girls!” Groom—"l’m glad my little Avifie is so uuselfish! Well, just to please her. I’ll kiss all those girls first!” "That is the Question !”• —Inebriated Gentleman—" Hash my friend been in this evening?” Bar Attendant —‘‘Yes, he Avas here about an hour ago.” Inebriated Gentleman, shyly and cautiously—" Wash I—Avash I Avith him ?” Mystery Explained.—ln a recent trial the judge happened to remark to the jur.y, "You Aviil give the testimony of the plaintiff full Aveight.” At these Avords a juryman fainted. It Avas afterwards discovered that he Avas a coaldealer. The late Sir John Godfrey never got up before one o’clock, and invariably breakfasted when his family Aver© having luncheon. He A\ r as asked one day to account for this rather inconvenient habit. "The fact is,” he confessed, "I sleep very slow!” A scholar, in the domestic economy class, gave the following directions for SAveeping a room: —"Cover the furniture Avitli dust-sheets, scatter damp tea-leave 3 over the carpet, then carefully sAveep the room into a dust-pan, and throw it out of the AA’indow.” Dean Pigou declared that on one occasion Avhen he was preaching to the Lord Mayor and City Corporation his congregation had been nearly asleep until his text Avoke them at once to full attention and interest. The Avords Avere, "The voice of the turtle is heard in our land!” The BroAvnings used to tell a story about a girl in their lodgings somewhere in Italy who regularly stole their tea and candles. But they r Avere mollified Avhen they found out that she stole their candles in order to burn them before a little shrine in expiation of her sin in stealing their tea! Jones (to Brown, who has been relating his Avonderful adventures in Russia) — "And I suppose you visited the great steppes of the Caucasus?” BroAA’n (AY’hose imagination has been fast running away with him)—"l should rather think so, and walked up every blessed one of them on my hands and knees.” Editor—“ Look here, young man; you say in this paragraph that BroAvn Avas knocked doAvn and relieved of fifty pounds. Did anybody ever rob you?’ New Reporter—"No, sir.” Editor—"Ah, that explains it! If you had ever been robbed or SA\dndled, you wouldn’t describe the loss of fifty pounds as a relief!” Judge (to Avitness)— "You say you have knoAvn the prisoner all your life?” Witness—" Yes. my lord.” Judge—" Now, in your opinion, do you think he could be guilty of stealing this money ?” Witness —"How much was it?” Left in Peace.—lt Avas on a corridor train going south. Among the passengers Avas a neAvly-married couple, AA r ho made themselves knoAvn to such an extent that the occupants of the carriage commenced whispering and sniggering. The bride and groom stood the remarks for some time, but finally the latter, who Avas a man of tremendous size, broke out at his tormentors:—"Yes, Ave’re married—just married. We are going one hundred and sixty miles further, and I am going to 'spoon’ all the Avay. If you don’t like it you can get out and Avalk. She’s my violet and I’m her sheltering oak.” During the remainder of the journey they Avere left in peace. Distinguished Invalids.—The Marquess of Anglesey’s wonderful polyglot parrot having been reported by a daily paper as "not ill, hut on the contrary, was laughing and chatting very .) heartily on Monday,” "Mr Ptinch” has issued further

latest bulletins.—The report that Lady Agatha Fitzhunter’s pet pony was confined to the stable with bronchitis i« grossly exaggerated. The pony merely complained of being a little horse. The joke of course, like its maker, was a chestnut. Mrs Martin Bradley’s French poodle is rapidly recovering. It is admitted on all hands, hoAvever, that it was a remarkably close shave. —The alarming rumour that Lord Barndore’s famous owl, which had been suffering from insomnia lately, had committed suicide on Tuesday night is happily contradicted this morning. It appears that the oa\l had merely left the house for a few hours for a special purpose—to wit, to avoo !—Lord Raspberry’s prize turkey, Avhich a short time ago had a painful operation performed on its neck, Avas able to appear at dinner last night, and received a cordial AA'elcome from those present.”