WIT AND HUMOUR.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 1666, 3 February 1904, Page 66

WIT AND HUMOUR.

A Howling Success. —The baby.

?■•;' A ' happy disposition is largely a dispositioa to make others happy.

-■ {THetea. "distant relation of yours, isn't -Vhe.ss inquired'• the .other man. “No/’ ’ hesaid, "we speak occasionally.” •- ■

Jenny: But, Fred, are y<*i really runr ning behind so much? Fred: Well, 1 X keep my clothes in the drawer of my : desk an,d my unpaid bills in the wardrobe. -

Employer: Yes, I advertised for a strong boy. Think you will fill the bill ? Applicant: Well, I’ve just finished lickin’ nineteen other applicants out in the hall.

' “Jones is a conscientious fellow.” "What makes-you think so ?” “I watched him play solitaire for two hours last * night, and he never cheated once.”

—v: Mother .(severely): Ethyle, you have • been flirting in the conservatory with . Captain Jack—why I positively once .hoard the sound of a kiss. Ethyle: Heard it once? That was not us.

Auntie: Do you know yoiu are playing ' •with two very naughty little boys, ..Johnny? Johnny: Yes. Auntie: You do,. I’m surprised. Why don’t you {.play with good, little boys? Johnny: Because their mothers won’t let them.

I care nqt for the trump of fame 7“ However it may blow, . 1 I want the trump that takes the trick ;v-X' While ! am here below.

“Wliooriginated the remark, ‘lt is al- ' ways the unexpected that happens’?” don’t know,” said the melancholy ; : Cknrernraent attache; “but I suspect he worked in the weather bureau.”

Binks—“My stars! I heard thatiyou bad died of. heart failure while drunk.” {Winks—“That’s a mean, miserable, malicious slander.” “Then you were not drunk?” “I didn’t die of heart failure.”

v { “I/took great pains with that pudding we had for dinner,” remarked the young wife. “And so did I, my dear,” rejoined the husband as he poured out a double dose of cholera mixture.

Bookkeeper—“l would like a> little more salary, sir. Yo»u see, I’m married now, sir-——” Employer—“ And neevi the increase for your family?” Bookkeeper—“ No. sir; for myself. You see, my wife knows just what I’m getting How!” . :

;“Do you take any interest in the Shakespeare-Bacon controversy ?” “N one /■whatever,” answered Mr Stormington Barnes. “In fact, I think it has a tendency to keep people at home readng - long arbioles when they might be going to the theatre.

Railroad Magnate.—“ The idea of your •; being interested in that young dude dropping an apple peeling to se» what letter it would form! Thought you were against sentiment.” Trust Mag- %, nate —“That was no -sentiment j every §> time it formed a* mark.”

"You aay,” remarked the girl with the lemon-tinted locks, “that you love me an»d would.-dp anything to make me happy?” “You T-have repeated it,” answered the callow youth wd-li the noisy tie. ‘Then,” continued she of the preJude, “ask me not to marry you.”

"Are. you not aware,” said a half-in-ebriated fare once, “that I am The Macintosh?” “I dinna care if ye be the embrella,” retorted the irate Jehu, Ybut if ye dinna gie me amt her saxpence I'll bang yer heid wi’ y’r ain walkmgatick.”

iMioe““ls it trim, dear, that you re- ; , jfriaed, young Hawkins ?” (rojpawtic)-— <f Yes. j want a man who has known trouble, and. has learnt wisdom by sad experience.” Alice—“ Well, dear, h© /would soon-have had-those qualifica- '{ tions if you’d married' him.”

'V -Husband (mildly;)— /f You should re- . member, my dear *= that the most patient :: person.{ that ever liver was a man.” ;.;Wif^,i^hnpatiently^—“Oh, don’t talk to the>patiebce of that man Job. of theijpafencq poor Mrs Job hadl-to put up - with suet, a •‘"toaii.? , T N >- “Suppose you succeed in owning the •- earth,” said; the abrupt man, “what good will it: do you . “Wbll answertlie f,i!man of . hospitale instincts. There will I'f tie itkind of satisfaction, in.; feeling. that aih permitting other people to inhabit '.jjfliiaglobe.”, V.w - Minister’s wife to her husband—“ Will you help me to pfiit down the drawingcarpet ■ to-day, dear?, The room is .cleari.”; ;M:nister, ,(y;exatious- ' ID-rf'AK, 1 well I sujipose I will have > forget, dear ; •: John, while, you are doing it tifat you > are a minister of the Gospel ”

Algernun—“l will confess- all 1 lam poor and too proud to work, but o>h, Miss Roques, I beg you for your hand 1 !” Miss Roques—“We don’t give handouts here”

: “Young man,” said the professor, as , lie.grabbed a frisky junior by the shoulder,. “I believe Satan has got hold of "you:” “I believe he has,” was the replay.

Mills—“l haven’t a million dollars, but I do believe that every man should do as he would be done by.” Sills. — “That’s just the reason the other .fellow has got your million.”

Madge—“ Whom did you meet at Mrs Climber’s party ?” Ethel—“A lot of impossible people that nobody knows. 1 had to talk to myself from being -lonesome.” SHORT WAY TO A WOMAN’S HEART “How did Bluffer so easily win Miss Gpldbag’s heart?” “He sent her twen-ty-two roses on her thirtieth birthday.” MASCULINE SUPREMACY. Friend. —Upon my word, Penhecker, I wonder that you haven’t more spirit than to stop at home and look after the baby while your wife goes gadding about. Penhecker (proudly).—My dear fellow—you must remember that the hand that rocks the cradle rules the world. Ahem! KEPT HIS PROMISE. The applicant oomplained bitterly as bo was urged towards the door. ‘You promised to help me out if 1 needed assistance,” he said. “I’m doing it,” replied the other man, as he administered another push; “I am helping you out.” TASTE IN ART. Kitty.—“ Harry Dix says you are pretty as a picture.” Clara. —“Nonsense ! He didn’t mean it.” Kitty.—“Oh, yes he did! But, of course, you know Harry’s taste in pictures isn’t anything to brag about.” NO CHANGE TO SPOON. Bride: “What is the man lghting the lamps for?” Bridegroom.—“We are coming to a tunnel, my dear.” Bride.—“ Bat what’s the use of tunnels if they light the lamps ?” NO LONGER. ‘‘That girl with Johnson, there—a friend of his. I presume?” “No. Used to be, though.” “So! Had a falling cut ” “Not exactly. He married her.” NEIGHBOURS. The neighbours called forthwith. ‘You and your husband have differences?” they suggested, tentatively. “None worth talking about,” replied the woman. The neighbours knit their brows. “That is for us to decide,” said they, severely. *• NO WONDER. Manager.—Strange there have not been any answers to my advertisement for a clerk. Proprietor.—No wonder. You made a mess of that “ad.” The idea of advertising for a man of “average intelligence” ! Everybody who isn’t hopelessly below it feels he*s far above it.”

POETRY AND PROSE. Send You Violets’ before we were married,” sighed Mrs Brimkin. “Yes,” answered Mr Brimkin, “but my devotion has taken a more practical form. Every month I pay the meat bill.” ' , RICHARD’S TITLE. The use of titles is becoming more and more common in the transaction of corporation business, says a contemporary.' One man of affairs had this brought to his notice the other -day in amrtuiusual manner. • - ? He found on his desk a memorandum that a certain man had called to see him, and bad left word that he would return later. The information was signed “Richard Emerson. Q. 8.” “Who is Richard Emerson?” asked tho gentleman of his clerk. “Richardson Emerson? Richard Why, it’s Dick!” - “And what does ‘0.8.’ stand for?” “Office Boy.”