WIT AND HUMOUR

New Zealand Mail, Issue 1651, 21 October 1903, Page 70 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOUR

Jf W'hat doea your mother say when you tell such, dreadful untruths? fone says X take after father.”

Some of the loudest-talking ie 011 Remind, one of the bald-lioaded man ing to sell hair restorer.

Father —"How is it that 7 on're suoh a dunce at your kteoars, Tommy? Tommy—“l expect it’s hereditary.

Pressed by counsel to define what he meant by affection, a witness replied, ‘•'Well, he used to pump the lady’s bicycle 1”

First Boarder—“ Don’t you always have a stuffy feeling in this house?” Second Boarder —“Wot when we aria in tlie dining-room.”

It is said that the reason why ladies’ teeth decay sooner titan men’s is because of the friction of the tongue and tils sweetness of tho lips.

‘T think I have too much curiosity to let you kiss me.” “Why?” “Well, X should always be wondering how many more you would want.”

“You have broken the Sabbath, Johnny,” said a good man to Ins’ son. “Yes,” sard his little sister, “and mother’s long comb, too, right in three places.”

Father— “ Now, Maud, in selecting a husband look, before all things, for intelligence and integrity, lour mother, X aun sorry to say, looked only for money.”

Gentleman (angrily) —“Waiter, you’ve spilt some gaavy on my new coat!” Waiter (confidentially)—“lt won’t hurt your coat, sir; it’s just like plain water 1”

He—“ You told your mother X was sorry for having made an idot of myself at her dinner party last night—what did she say?” She —-“Oh, sue said she noticed nothing unusual.”

“He’s thinking of launching out as a theatrical manager this winter.” “X didn’t suppose ho was fitted for that sort of thing.” “Oh, yes! A relative of his who died recently iyft him a furlined overcoat.”

Fashionable Doctor —“My dear young lady, you are drinking unftltcred water, which swarms with animal organisms. You should have it boiled; that will kill them.” Patient—“ Well, doctor, i think I’d sooner be an aquarium than a cemetery.”

“'You allow/ no beer to come into the house?” “No; my wife and I-never drink anything but vine and -water.” “Oh? How do you mir it? In what proportion?” “Weil, to save trouble, I drink the wine, and my wife drinks tho water.”

Father—“My dear, wasn’t that young Mr Hugtito who just went out?” X>a,ughtor—“Yes, papa.” Father—“ Did X not issue an injunction against his coming he to ?” Daughter—“ Yes; but

ho appealed to a higher court, and mamma reversed your decision.” “Now, then, Tommy,” said uncle to a nephew just home from school, “let’s us see what you have been learning all this time. What is the meaning of felo de .se?” “Oh, that’s only French for a sailor,” said the boy contemptuously. Ask mo something in Latin.” Little Theodore—-“ Shall I take your hat, Miss Peake?” Miss Peake —“No, thank you; but you’re a polite little man all the sarnie.” Little Theodore —“No ; ’taint that. I just wanted to get a hatpin to stick into Tommy. Me an’ hints going to have a fight in the hall.” J-olui (sheepishly)—“X—l s’pose you’ll be gittiit married some timJc?” Betty (with a frightened air) —“Oh, I daresay I shall some time.” “I daresay I’ll git married, too.” “Oh.!” “P'Vaps wo might both git married at the same time.” “Wouldn’t it be awful, John, if the parson should make a mistake and marry us to each other?” “I—l shouldn’t mind.” “No—neither should X, to tell you the truth, John.” A STOLEN MELODY. Frenchman had a limited acquaintance with German music in the days when Victor Hugo’s -stirring; hymn, “Patria,” set to Beethoven’s melody, was written. Victor Hugo himself knew nothing about the symphony from which the air had been taken until he came upon it by clianco in his early youth, and even then ho had not so much as heard the name of tho great composer. One night ho went to tho Theatre do Madame and listened to a piece which failed to interest him in its plot, dialogue, or lyrics. All ac once bo sat upright in his seat at the strains of a “Hindoo Invocation.”

“This,” ho said to himself, “is the real thing.” When the music ceased be left the house, humming it. The melody was still in his mind when he awoke next morning. After breakfast lie met Dartigues in the street, and said to him — ‘There is a piece of music you ought to bear at the Theatrie de Madame.” “Nonsense,” said Dartigues. “There’s nothing good there.” “But there is! Go and judge for yourself.” “Nonsense, again!” “Go! It’s entirely different from tho idiotic stuff one generally hears.” “Nonsense,, I tell you!” But young Hugo insisted that Dartigues should hear it. A few' days later they met again. “Did you go to hear that music?” asked Hugo. “Yes,” was the reply. “Wasn’t I right ?” “Yes,” the critio admitted, “and I am not surprised at your liking it>. It was Beethoven’s.” Hugo never forgot the air, and years after, in his exile, he wrote- the words of “Patria” to it. „ DIDN’T KNOw THAT TRICK. “That’s a worry knowing animal o’ yours,” said'a young Cockney to tho keeper of an elephant. “Very,” was the cool rejoinder. • “Ho performs stnnigb tricks and hankies, does he?” inquired the Cockney, eyeing the animal critically. “Surprisin’!” retorted the keeper. “We’ve learned him to put money in that box you sco up there. Try him with half-a-crown.” The Cockney handed the elephant half-a-crown, and sure enough, lie took it in his trunk and placed it in a box high up out of reach. “Well, that is very hextra ordinary—hasconisiving, truly!” said the gredn one opening his eyes. “Now, let’s see him take it cut and ’and it back.” “Oh, we never learned liim that trick,” retorted the keeper, walking away.