JULIUS CÆSAR TELEPHONES TO HORATIO CLAUDIUS

New Zealand Mail, Issue 1636, 8 July 1903, Page 15

JULIUS CÆSAR TELEPHONES TO HORATIO CLAUDIUS

Flushed with victory, Colonel Julius Oaesar left the seen© of the battle and hurried to the nearest telephone booth. “Hello, Central,” he said. “Give me Rome.” “A little louder, please,” said Central. “Give me ROME!” “Stand closer to the ’phone, put your -lips against the receiver, and speak in a firm tone,” ordered Central. “Think I’m going to climb into this thing ?” asked Oaesar. “You connect me with Rome or there’ll be another magazine article provided for around here, with you as the central illustration.” “Here’s your party,” was the only reply. “Hello I” yelled Caesar, “is this Rome?” “Yes.” “Gimme the palace.” The connection was made. . “Hello! Is this the palace ?” “Yes.” “Who is this?” “Horatio Claudius, the messenger.” . “Hello, ’Ratius. Know who this is?” “No, sir.” ' “'Guess.” “I can’t guess. Who is it?” “Don’t you know my voice?” “No. Whose is it?” “Aw, can’t you guess who it is?” ‘Tell me who you are and what voni want, please.” “Well, that’s a good joke on you.” “Who is it speaking, anyway?” “Why, this is Caesar ” “Sneezer ?” “No! Caesar 1” “Wheeser? I don’t know any Wheezers.” “I said Caesar I” “Geezer? Who in the wor ” “Caesar ! C-A-E-S-A-R! Dadgum you ! Can’t you hear thunder? Julius Caesar! Me! It! The wliiole thing! Got it now? Understand who’s yelping to you ?” “Yes, sire.” “That sounds more like it. Pretty state of affairs when I have to identify myself every time I want to issue an order ! Nice state of things, I must say ! Now, listen ” “Yes, sire.” “We’ve just won a great battle——” “Great rattle?” “No. Confound your muckle-keaded ears! R-a-t-t-i-e ! Get that ?”

“Oh, battle. Thought you said ” “Never mind what you thought. I’m doing the thinking for this community just now. We’ve just won a great battle, and I want you to put ?up a bulletin on the walls of the city where everybody oan see it.”

“Yes, sire.” “Better write it down now, so you’ll get it right. Listen, now. Are you ready ?” “Yes, sire.” “Well, say ‘Veni, vidi. vioi!’” “Yes, sire! I have it. Beany, Bidy, Bicy.” “No, no! Veni, Vidi, Vici!” “Sheeny, shidy ” “Great Heavens! Were you never at school! Veni, Vidi, Vici.” “Oh! Weeny, Wify, Wicy. I’ll go and tell Mrs Calphurnia ” “Here ! Wait! You haven’t got it at all! I said Veni, Vidi ” “I have it now. Clean eye, cried I “Now, by the shield of Mars, this is too much! Out upon, thee, dog! Would that my fist could reach thee, even as my voice doth! Back to the woods, for thou art a shine listener!” “Tell it me once again, and I ” “I’ll tell you to ” Here Central broke in, asking:—• “Did you get your party?” Then did the royal rage of the late J. Caesar manifest itself, and the telephone building was scattered over the plain, while the Central girls fled shrieking for home and mother. And thus it was that the loyal populace of Rome must needs wait until the slow feet of a messenger brought them the tidings of the glorious victory.— “Chicago Tribune.”