RUBIN’S POTPOURRI

New Zealand Mail, Issue 1618, 4 March 1903, Page 58

RUBIN’S POTPOURRI

WAYBACK, N.Z., February 27.

The peeple ov this country hes elum funny ideas, i arove here (else i wouldn’t be here now), an not a dum pollytishin, Minister or aristocrat met me. I kinder tkot a pencil pusher on the “Times” .would be down 2 the landen ov the bote 2 see me git orf, but he wasn’t; i felt the slit-e keenly, cos i’m goen 2 stay here—live here, if i’m not bothered by the police, an with the help ov the medikle fraternity rase a large family, an gratify the ambishin ov the obskure Drs an sientists hu hev broken into public notis bi writin peeses for the paper, tellen ov just how meny babies a poor hard worken man an his wife orter hev for the good ov the country, while these same Drs an sientists hesn’t got more than 2 or 3 thairselves. Why don’t tha go 2 multiply in “on the face ov the erth” an let the herd worken man pra-otis division amongst a small litter that he kin keep properly? Why. ain’t it a fact that the first family that God made only hed 2 children —Cain and Able? Thet’s a precedent, aint’ it? Never mind quoten from sutcb blokes as Teddy Roosevelt, President ov the UIS. He’s jist like teetotallers, parsons, Drs and sientists —good at givin ov advicee, but dum pore at practisen, for he only can clame ,4 youngsters —at home; an yet if a pore woman hu haz dun her duty accorden 2 the orthodox views happens 2 get in2 truble er be beet bi a drunkpn husban, she don’t git no favers in meny ov the corts, cepten in Dr McArthurs. A pore woman waz prossycuten her drunken husban fer bat.in her. His worship sed, “Are you married?” The pore woman sed, “Yes, for 15 year.” “Hev you a marriage certificate?” “Yes, yer worship, 12 ov em —6 girls an 6 boys.” His worship convicted the defendant at lnee.

But awl this ain’t enything 2 du with what i’m going to rite abowt. I start-

ed owt 2 sa the hull town, from King Dick down 2 the boy what sells the “Times,” was at the bote 2 meet Madam Melba, an she ain’t goen 2 stay in the bloomen country, an ain’t goen 2 rase a large family ov small childer here, ner ain’t goen 2 invest her money here, an ain’t goen 2 take up a selecshin an improve it, an yet she was met an i wasn’t.

Well, her consert hed 1 good effect. The see moire dresses the ladies had on' pruved that thair waz a mity lot ov women in Wellington who cud raise a large family without goen 2 Dunbar Sloane’s for a nursen bottle. I no i never seen sitch a site sinse i was forced 2 live on solids, hut between hearen ov Madam Melba scrapen _ cobwebs of ov the- seelen with her voice, or seen the frisky monkys at the circus, i can enjoy the latter better, cos ov mi rasen, i suppose, an by the wa, speeken ov

he circus, i scan an exhibisbun of innircens thair that made teers role down mi sunburnt cheeks. A luven cupple jist rap frum Nelson on thair bunny mune waz thair; tha waz looken at the animiles, an hed jist bin given the elerfanit lollies, when tha spade a sine on the far side ov the canvas. “ ‘Exit,’ ” she said, “mi deer, we havenfc sean the ‘exit’ yit; let’s see what it looks like,” an tha made a “B” line for it. The last i sean ov them thay was standin outside argyfyen with the dore-keeper abowt gitten in agin without payen 4 bob more.

i waz owt 2 Newtown a fu daze ago canvassen for the latest patent improved Yankee painless false teat'll extractor, bunyen salve, an cure for iilgroVrlll nails, when i happened 2 git in2 a JiowsOj the boss ov which was agin iioensen ov be public houses on the present approved plan. When i was leaven i was jist puttin on ov his bist overcote an startin when he stopped me cos i was taken his cote. “I no it,” i sod, “i bleave in taken cotes without compensashin, jist like yu bleave m taken the value ofen ov a man’s property, an sayen his goods on the slielvs that he pade hiz good munny for, just like yu pade for yure cote, ain’t wurth a hapenny, i bileav in stoppen all the peeple wearen ov overeotes, jist ike yfu bileav in stoppen all men frum haven a shandy gaff er a little whisky an soda coz all the men don’t want shandy gaffs ,etcetera, i bileav in a law,” I sed, “that will make eaten a crime punishable by electrocuten, cos suih peeple are gluttons an make hogs ov thairselves; i beleav in a law 2 abolish practisin on the pianer, an singen, for if thair is 1 thing that is more anoyin than anuther, it- is some 1 next dore tryin 2 sing, that can’t sing and will sing. ” 1 waz in 1 ov the big draper’s shops jist be 4 thair summer bargane sale, tha waz marlcen evry thing down, most ov thair goods was marked in Roman letters, things that was marked XIX thay marked down 2 simply XX, things that was IV thay cut down 2'V, things marked IX they gut down 2 X, an then advertised iff the “Times” that tha hadcut prices frum one-third 2 one-half, an peeple went mad 2 git at the bargens. i was standen at the corner ov the G.P.O. last saturda, the country peeple waz in town, a sargint ov poleese waz leanen up again the big telegraf pole keepen ov it straight, when a bloke from the bush sed, “what due yu hev stripes- on 1 sleeve an not on the uther fer?” “Oh,” sed the sargent, “that’s 2 show u are on duty.” ‘ x That’s it. is it?” sed the bloke from the bush, *‘i t/hot it waz becaws yu didn’t no yure right bar. frum yure left.”

Sum ov these no-license fellers are as empty as a brass drum, an will make just as mutch noise if yu hit them.

ALADINE RTJBIN.