IN LIGHTER VEIN.

New Zealand Mail, 29 January 1902, Page 64

IN LIGHTER VEIN.

A little nonsense now and then Is relished by the wisest men. —Hudibras,

Some husbands are domestic and some ere imported,

An optimist says that pessimism, is the faith of cowards.

Strength and wisdom are not alwavs found together. Remember Samsons A labourer makes a bargain for the price of his work, but a lawyer simply takes everything in sight.

Mrs. Jones—" Can you suggest a name for baby?” Mr Jones —"Suppose we call her the' ‘White Squall’?”

“Will nothing induce you to change your mind and marry?’' ne asked. “Another man might,” she replied.

If it is true that children get their growth while asleep, it is no wonder some babies are of such slow growth.

Mrs. Barker—" Shall I sing ‘ Because I Love You?”’ Barker (who is a brute)— "No, Maria; if you love me, don’t sing.” Welter—“ They say the world owes every man a living.” Walker—“ That’s just it. How can it be expected to pay all its debts?”

Timocreon, one of the minor poets of Ancient Greece, sang: Two happy days a married man may prize— The day he weds his wife, and the day she dies.

Drill-sergeant (to awkward squad)— "The bullet of your new rifle will go right through ISin. of solid wood. Remember that, you blockheads!”

“I have a splendid ear for music," said the complacent young man. "Yes,” answered Miss Cayenne regretfully, "but you don’t sing with your ear.”

Nellie—" Gracious! How do you manage to knit so much in so short a time?" Ninette —“ Every time I do 10 rows I give myself a chocolate cream." An absent husband telegraphed to his wife—“l send you a kiss." He received as reply—“ Spruce young man called and delivered the kiss in good order." Mother—" I wonder how this new book got in such a terrible condition?" Little Max—“l heard papa say it was too dirty for him, so 1 poured water on it.” Sentimental and—ahem—Thirty (?) “ Did he say he knew me when I was a girl?” Sweet and Twenty—“Oh no! He said he remembers yon when he was a boy!" With But a Single Thought.—Mrs. Eye —“This is a nice time for vou to come home!" Mr Eye—“ Thanksh, thanksh, in' (hie) deali. Ec’ wunch (hicf ye 'gree wid me (hie;." Excited gentleman—" Why don’t you interfere to stop that dog fight?” Boy—"I was just going to, sir; but you can calm your fears now. My dog is on top at last, sir.” Mary had a little lamp, 'Twas full of kerosene; One day the lamp it did explode, Since then she’s not benzine. first Burglar—" Why didn’t you sneak that chap’s chainless bicycle ver went after last night?" Second Burglar—- " Well, I found out there was a chainless dorg in the yard.” Brown—“ls Mr Jenkins in?” Office Bov— Not yet. sir; but I expect him every ,VVr nute ” " lt ’* ten o’clock isn’t itr ' Nearly. The clock will strike in half-a-minute, if not sooner. There it goes!” “All right I promised to be here at ten o clock and pay him some money. Tell him I called and he wasn’t in.” Scene.—At the gate of C Lunatic Asylum.—Lunatic (inside gate)—" You are working very hard.” Labourer (working outside)—“ Yes, and badly paid for it, too.” Lunatic—" How much?” Labourer —" Twelve shillings a week.” Lunatic ‘Working like that for twelve sliillino-.s a week! Poor fellow; you are on the wrong side of' the gate!” A Marseilles physician went to spend a few days in Paris. His first visit was to the Imperial Academy of Music. In the middle of the first act the soutfiener whispered into his neighbour’s ear, " Who is the singer?” The other told him the name. Ah! exclaimed the doctor, " the finest specimen of a cold in the head I ever heard. Cousin Ethel—" Did Santa bring vou everything you wanted, Freddy?” Freddy (in disappointed tones)—“ Naw. H e only brought me a sled, an’ a bicycle, an’ a goat,, an’ a football, an’ a gun, an’ a sojor’s suit, an’ some marbles, an’ a born on’ a pair o’ skates, an’ a whip, an’ some books, an’ that’s all.” - Atkinson—“ What’s the matter with .vour friend? Ho seems very depressed. Henderson—“ Yes, he’s down on his luck. He’s dying to join the Yeomanry, but bo doesn’t like sending in his name, ‘A Coward.’ ” Atkinson—" But lie lias no need to put it in that way. Why can’t he give it in full?” Henderson—“ That makes it all the worse, man; his first name’s Adam.” Jenkins—“ See here, Mrs. M’Stinger this stuff isn’t fit for a pig to eat, and 1 ain’t going to eat it.” Magistrate—/‘I seem to know yout

face 1” Prisoner—" Yus; we were boys tx> gather." Magistrate Nonsense. Prisoner "YuS, we was. Were both about the same age, so we must have been boys together 1”

A workhouse master did not want to be hard on an old man, and merely said, •* Smith, I have a suspicion that you are a bit drunk." Next time the man returned in such a state as to come within Lord Peel’s definition of drunkenness. The master was waiting for him, and on opening the door was greeted by this mass of fallen humanity with—" Well, guv-nor, there’s no blooming ’spicion this time. Hie 1"

Little Johnny Fizzletop has been obliged for manv years to wear the castoff clothing of his elder, brother, Bob. Johnny never gets anything until Bob has finished with it. A few days ago Bob had a dreadful toothache, and it was decided that the aching tooth should be extracted. “ You may pull all his teeth out if you like,” said Johnny; “ bnt I ain’t going to chew with them afterwards, I can tell you that straight.” TO A FAIR BATHER. When you stand in dreamy langour, Rosy-faced and fancy free, Lithe and graceful as a wheat-wand By the swirling, sapphire sea; And your bathing suit is dimpled By the soft wind of the south— Just before you plunge head foremost Don’t forget to shut your mouth. THE STAGE VILLI AN. The villian of old had the slippery smile Of a jackal, barbed with the blackest moustaches; His s’s he hissed in a venomous style, And he chewed all his r’s, and he gnashed all his dashes. And, oh ! Do you mind how the aguish fiddle Would shiver a fit of melodious chills, And give you a sudden sick fear in your middle, When he found the last of the old miser’s wills?

And, oh ! Do you mind the tableau at the close, When everyone sneered at the villian’s last cursing. And he was led off in a violent pose By super-policemen who needed rehearsing? Now, a poor cast of mere "moral degenerates,” Slinking through villainies, play in his part. Since the new "gods” whom the realist venerates Called for cheap commonplace in exact art—- • Called for a whimpering, shame-faced and simpering, White-livered rogue with a black-and-tan heart. Musical horrors can’t gooseflesh the gallery In the "dark scenes” of the villain today; He is a Stock Exchange gull, whose small salary Drove him to stealing to cover his [.’ay— Drove him to villainy, though he would fill any Honest position that promised more pay.

Gone are the villain’s last blood-curdling sentences— Gone when these new psvchopaties began— Quite superseded by fifth act repentances, After the Ibsenish problem play plan— Gone with the masterful, dark and disasterful, Give-you-your-money’s-worth, bold, bad man! VENOMOUS. Mrs De Binks: “No, sir; you cannot have my daughter with my consent. I detest you, and I wish I could think of some way to make you miserable.” Mr Hicks* “Well, then, why not become my mother-in-law?” ANYTHING SHE CALLED FOR. Mr Downtown (irritably): “Bridget, I must insist that you cease singing that song. My wife has a nervous headache, and it annoys her.” Bridget (the cook): “Oi will stop, sorr. Oi didn’t know that the mishtress disloiked that song. Pliat song do she want me to sing?” THE HOLLOWNESS OF IT ALL. Mrs Von Blumer: “How tired I am of society—nothing but foam and froth, nothing deep or lasting, nothing worth while—no sincerity anywhere.” Von Blumer: “Who’s snubbed you now ?” NOTHING TO LEARN. “After carefully considering these flying machines,” observed the philosophic bird, “I conclude that the best way to fly is to do it naturally." Convinced that they couldn’t give him any useful hints, ho flapped his wings contentedly.

COULDN’T RETIRE. J “It used to be my ambition,” said ilie I business man, “to accumulate a fortune ; ami then retire.” "Well,” answered the friend, "haven't ; you realised it?” 1 ' “No, I’ve pot the money, but I don't dare retire. I’ve pot to stay awalce night and day to keep somebody from getting jit away from me.” HE tt USUAL REMARK. “What did Maine say when her father gavo her that new gold watch?” asked j one gladsome girl. j “Oh, the same thing that she always ! -'a.vsr. Sho remarked that she was having ■ a perfectly lovely time.”