IN LIGHTER VEIN.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 1536, 7 August 1901, Page 23

IN LIGHTER VEIN.

A little nonsense now and then Is relished by the wisest men. —Hndibraa. TRUE TO LIFE. Mamma: " Ethel, what do you mean by shouting in that disgraceful fashion ? See.how quiet Willie -is.” Ethel: "Of course he’s quiet; that's our game. He's papa, coming home late, and I'm you." SMALL LOSS. "Qh, sir, please, I have swallowed a Din I" exclaimed a servant girl, running into 'her employer's study. j "Never mind, Mary," he replied, deep in study, "here's another." HOW HE HAPPENED TO WIN. Percy: "Do ’you wemembaw that day at the waces when the leading hawse fell down and the next four fell over him ?” Algy: "Deah me, yes! That was the only time I evah won a bet on a hawse wace!" TWO'OF A KIND. Jaggies: "What makes you think they are searching for the unattainable ?’’ Wraggles: "His wife is seeking for something to remove superfluous hair, while he is looking for a preparation to grow hair on a bald head." REGRETS. "Doctor, you told me three months ago that if you didn't perform an operation on me I would be a dead man in twentyfour hours." "Well, sir, I was wrong, and I can only •xpress my great sorrow for it." MISTAKEN GRIEF. a Suitor: "Pray don't look so sad. I assure you I will love, cherish, and protect your "daughter, sir." Prospective Father-in-law: "Oh, bosh! It isn't that. lam supporting two sonsin.law now." HORRID MEN. J "WlialT do you think of the dessert, dear?" said the young wife. “I made it out of Mrs Souter's cookery book." "Oh. that accounts for it. I suppose it's the leather binding that, makes it so tough," replied the'great brute. HIS SORROW. Mamma: "What makes you so pale ? I hope you haven't been chewing tobacco." Tommy: “O-boo hoo! No." J Mamma: '"l'm glad to hear that. But what —" Tommy: "I was goin' to chew it. but --- boo-hoo!—I seen you cornin’, an’ I swallowed it whole." NOT SUPERSTITIOUS. "Charley, dear," said young Mrs Torkins, "I am going to turn over a new leaf." * * ' "In what connection?" "I’m going to stop being superstitious. I have always disliked to ’begin anything on Friday." "Yes, ifs very silly of you." "Well, your arguments have convinced me.- You know that new dress I was talking to you about? Well, I shall go 'out and buy the material on Friday, just to show I'm not afraid." THE ECHO. Arrived at the mountain “hotel, of course W® lost no time in trying the famous echo. "TTow extremely marvellous!" we exclaimed.. “It seems almost to have human intelligence." * The landlord bowed. <f Yes," said he. modestly, "we aim to have our echo rather'more intelligent than the other servants." We were told afterwards that bright young college students often, acted l ia this capacity. APPENDICITIS. The woman wept when we told her that husband had appendicitis. Of course we strove to comfort her. *'He may’recover," we urged. "Yes; but in any event it is now the doctor’s wife who gets a new spring hat, and not I," she sobbed convulsively. Now, this had to do with the cost of operating, concerning which we were not qualified to speak, except *ia the most general way. -

iiL TRICK OF THE LAWYER’S TRADE.

The average layman who hiay attend any of the more conspicuous trials in the civil ®r criminal courts is usually amused at first J by the wrangles and tilts of opposing counsel; but in the end he becomes bored, and wonders what is the point of all this furious recrimination. Some light was ghed on this matter the other day by ’a prominent criminal lawyer, who said: never engage in any’of these controversies- without an object. When I have • who is going along swimmingly and -keeping his Read I never mix it up with my opponent, but when witness begins to 'get nervous —under cross exam, lnation, for instance—l am pretty apt to interject J a remark that will bring a retort from my learned friend on the other aide. One word leads to another, and in a jiffy we’are at it hammer and tongs un. til-the court stops us. - MeanwhilO-mr„ob.

better of the argument he feels reassured and his confidence is restored.”

IN CHICAGO.

"Sir, I would like to have your daughter for a wife." "Have you ’any recommendations from your former fathers-in-law ?"

FORTIFIED.

Mrs Hatterson: "I am going to meet my husband at one o’ ’clock 'to select some decorations for the drawing-room." Mrs Catterson: "What do you want him with you for ?” * Mrs Hatterson: “Well, in case they don’t turn out right, I can say it is his fault." 11