IN LIGHTER VEIN.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 1511, 14 February 1901, Page 11

IN LIGHTER VEIN.

A iittie nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men. —Rudibras

MAMMA. PAPA AND THE BABY.

Madame and her “bebe” have just returned from a walk Monsieur wants to hear ail particulars. "My dear, I have good news for you ; baby has begun to talk! Yes, a, few minutes ago it pronounced its first word.' “Really! Tell me all about it/’ “Yes! only fancy, we were standing before 'the large monkey-house in the Jardin des Plantes, when baby suddenly exclaimed,'quite distinctly, ‘‘Ah, papa!'*

AT A RESTAURANT

Patron: “Why, this bill charges for three plates of soup. We only had two”

Waiter: “Ah, yes; but monsieur for. gets the plate I spilled upon the lady’s dress.”

CHRISTINA NILSSON.

‘ Christina Nilsson, the Swedish singer, •was once, it is said, at the house of a retired Chicago merchant. ' A distinguished company had been invited to meet her at dinner. On entering the dining room she dropped her host’s arm, and, hurrying in amazement to the stately young butler, seized him effusively by the hand, and engaged him in conversation, while the other guests looked on in astonishment.

“That man,” she explained, when ill were seated at the table, “is the son of a kind old nobleman on whose estate my father worked as a day labourer when we were children. Fortune has smiled on me, while it has frowned on my old playmate.” IN A LONDON SUBURB*. A coalheaver was getting in a load of coal in a suburb of London. He was shovelling in the coals at a good rate when he was startled by a terrific yell from the house adjoining. “Wot the dickens is the matter?” queried the coalman, starting up. _ A dishevelled-looking individual made his appearance at the door. '‘Matter, you thickhead!” shouted the mail, frantically endeavouring to pull bis hair up by the roots. “You are putting the coal down the wrong hole. My wife’s mother lives there!” THE NEW r MARRIED DUKE. The Duke of Manchester's vagaries have produced at least one bon mot. It was an action brought against him by a photographer. Sir Edward Carson was for the Duke. The plaintiff, in the course of his evidence, stated that he had among bis customers not only Dukes but also “people of higher rank than Dukes.” “What does he mean?” inquired the judge. 2yow, it was obviously undesirable that the names of the Royal Family should be dragged into the case, so Sir Edward interposed. "He mean’s Queen’s Counsel, my Lord” —and there was laughter in Court. —“To-day.’ AT THE CHEMIST’S SHOP. Small youth (to chemist): If you please you’ll find the smell in the bottle, and I wan’t twopenn’o’th of it.” A FOLDING BED. “We’ve had a terrible time in our fiat this autumn.” “Sickness ?” “No; we .got our folding bed open and can’t get it shut.” QUEER STORY OF A PIKE . Recently at Hopwas, near Lichfield, a gentleman was out shooting. He shot a huge pike which was basking in the sun near the surface of the water. His dog seized it, but, being accustomed only to "fur and feathers” released his bold The surface of the ■water was stained w’bh blood. Two months afterwards my friend set a line in the vicinity, when he found hooked on the following morning the very pike. The teethmarks of the dog were still visible, and a part of the body was penetrated with shot. THE “SWEETHEART’S” ALARM CLOCK. “This comes from making love to the daughter of a genius.” “What is the trouble, Tom?” “'Why, her father has just invented a parlour clock that sounds an alarm at 10 oclock. turns out the gas, and opens the front door by a wire spring.” A CROWDED TRAMWAY CAR. Sydney lady was going 'tS&e in a George street tram, carrying her purse and purchases in her lap. Opposite sat a stylishly-dressed man, bearing on his, finger a. brilliant dia-

mond ring. At a stopping-place the car was besieged with passengers, and the lady transferred the purse from her Jap to the pocket of her jacket and, gathering up her parcels, made room. In Hie stir the diamond wearer crossed over and sat alongside her. At the next stop lie got off the tram and disappeared; then (lie lady, when called upon for her fare, found that her purse was missing. On icaching home she put her hand into her pocket and found the lustrous diamond, worth £SO, worn by the man in the tram. MIDNIGHT: ON A DARK STAIRCASE. “I don't know,” cried the excited feminine voice in the darkness, “whether you are my husband or a burglar, but I’m going to be on the safe side and shoot.”