IN LIGHTER VEIN.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 1507, 17 January 1901, Page 61

IN LIGHTER VEIN.

A little nonsense now and then Is relished by the wisest men. - —Hudibras.

Willie—"l should think it would be a "good thing to put the watering cart before the horse.” Mamma —“I can’t see why, Willie.” Willie—“ Why, then, the poor horse could wade ail over the town and keep cool.” Johnny—“Do they have elephants in Asia?’' Papa—"Oh, .yes.” Johnny—“Do they have circuses in Asia?” Papa—- “ N-o-o, I think not.” Johnny—-" Well, what’s tlie use of having elephants if they t don’t have circuses?” Most golfers will remember the story of the man whom a Lull rendered insensible. The golfer gave him half' a sovereign as some consolation. “And when will ye be playin’ again ?” asked the injured man as he looked at the coin. Mistress—"l told you that I did not want you to have so many male callers in the kitchen. Pretty Domestic—"Yes’m.” "Last night you were entertaining three policemen. "Yes’m. I had them there so as to keep the others out.’’ “Young man, said Uncle Jerry Peebles,» “Low do you pronounce that?” “Tabbledy hote, sir,” replied the waiter, a recent importation from Skedunk, "Correct,” rejoined Uncle Jerry, nodding his approval. "’Bring me some of that.” Pendennis—"ls dyeing the hair as dangerous as the doctors would make out?” Warrington—"Certainly; you may take my word for it. Only last spring an uncle of mine dyed his hair, and in three weeks he was married to a widow with four children.”

A Sunday School teacher was one day trying to impress upon her scholars the meaning of the word "Conscience.” “What is the small voice that comes to you after you have retired for the night? ' she said at Uengcln "Oh, piease, mum, I know,” quickly replied one of the little girls; "cats, ma’am.” Lady (interviewing parlourmaid)—“l’m afraid your’e too good-looking. You see I have grown-up sons, and young men are so thoughtless and given to flirting.” Swell Parlourmaid (loftily)—‘“You need not worry yourself about that, madam. I have higher aspirations than your sons. I am engaged to a professional cricketer, and one of the best.” He (adoringly)—‘’‘Darling, you are worth your weight in gold.” She (practically) —You do not value me sufficiently, Henry. Gold at its value of 16.50 dols an ounce is worth 264 dols a pound avoirdupois, and as I weigh 140 pounds, my value would be only 36,060 dols; whereas the. tax duplicates will show I am worth something over 74,000 dols.

A certain German professor of music to be met with in English drawing-rooms is an entertaining old gentleman. To him recently a lady friend said, when one of his compositions had just been rendered by one of the guests. "How did you like the rendering of your song, professor?” "Y r os dot my song?” replied the professor. "I did not know him!” “Mamma, is Mrs Thompson’s husband cross-eyed ?” “Why, no, my dear. Why do you ask?” "Cause when T was out walking with nurse this morning Mr Thompson stopped us to shake hands with me. And he said, "What lovely eyes !” "Well, you have lovely eyes, my dear.” "Yes. but it seemed funny that every time he said it to me he looked at nurse. Governor Roosevelt was taken hold of by a golf enthusiast the other day, and was much annoyed by the man’s long exposition of the virtues of the game. "There is one good point about it which you have forgotten to mention.” he said finally. “What’s that ?” asked his persecutor. "One doesn’t have to play it if one doesn’t want to, ' replied the Governor. The Polite Burglar—The rattling of silver spoons awakened the lady in the dead of night. "Who’s theye ?” she cried, as she leaned over the balustrade and peered down into the darkness. ‘Who’s there, and what are you doing?’’ The stranger in the dining-room replied with startling candour— Jimmy Dores, ma’am, at your service,” and gathering as much of the latter as he could, fled hastily. Then She Stayed—" Our cook was going to leave yesterday, but my wife’s diplomacy saved the day.” "Is that so?” "Yes; when the cook gave notice, my wife, with great presence of mind, said, “That's too bad, Bridget, but I’m not surprised. Several of the neighbours’ girls predicted you would leave because you knew you wouldn’t liSvg any show with the handsome new policeman who is shortly to be assigned to this beat.’” "What an energetic reformer Miss Bank is!” "She isn’t a reformer; she just starts reforms, and then she quits. "Sir,” said the young man, "I ask for your daughter’s hand.’’ “Young man,” replied the father, "I am not disposing of her in sections. ’ ... Mrs Peck —"You know very well, Henry, that I’m a woman of few words.” Henry—" True, my dear; but the few are shamefully overworked.” Mabel—"l would never marry a man I did not love.” Maude—" But suppose a really wealthy man should propose?” Mabel—"l should love him, of course.’’ Patron—'"Why, this bill charges for three plates of soup. We had only two.” Waiter —"Ah, yes; but monsieur forgets the plate I spilled upon the lady’s dress.” The Bride (from Chicago)—"This is my fourth bridal tour.” The Bridegroom—- " Well, I hope it will be your last one.” The Bride (bursting into tears) —"You selfish thing!” Assistant—" That gentleman you sold a bottle of hair dye to three weeks ago was here again to-day.” Chemist—“ Was he after another bottle?” "No, sir; he wanted to know if we kept wigs.” "My expenditure never exceeds my receipts,” said Hawkins. "Mine does ” sighed Wilkins. "In fact, I am very much afraid I shall never have any receipts for some of my last year’s expenditure.” "Did you have a good time at your picnic?” "I should say we did. When we reached the picnic grounds we were so

afraid of snakes that we came home and had a perfectly lovely time in our backyard.” 1 A Scotch beadle one day led the manse housemaid to the churchyard, and. pointing with his finger, stammered. "My folk lie there, Jenny. Wad ye like to lie there, too?’’ It was his way of popping the question. Mr Dauber—" Yes, since you were in my studio last, Miss Cute. I hadKone of my paintings, nearly finished, entirely destroy e d by fire. ” :u is st ut e —’ ’Wli a t apity, Mr Dauber! ’But think hove awful" it would have _ been if it haul been finished and framed.” Scene —Children’s party .(Punch and Judy sjiow going, l : Tommy discovered by his hostess’s papa in tears. Hostess s Papa —"Afraid, Tom? Cheer up, old man. Tommy "They won’t be dolls when I dream about them to-night.’