SOME GOOD STORIES.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 1507, 17 January 1901, Page 47

SOME GOOD STORIES.

SO ENCOURAGING. The performance of “Hamlet” was dragging itself slowly along. The time had come for the appearance of the ghost. There was a slight delay, owing to the tardiness of the ghost in responding to its cue. The profound stillness that followed was broken by a loud voice in the front row of the balcony—“Mamma, there are thirty-seven men down there with round white spots on top of their heads.” And no stage ghost ever made its appearance under more discouraging auspices than the armour-clad phantom that came stalking upon the boards at this moment. KNEW HOW IT WAS. A well-known politician had an appointment to deliver a speech, and was obliged to drive a long distance into the country- When he reached the farmhouse where: he was to have dinner he felt very unwell. His companion had a ravenous appetite. “Mr H ■” said 1 the housewife, with some indignation, “I see you are not eating much. I know the dinner isn’t first-class, but it is the best I could get up. I’m sorry you don’t appreciate' the •dinner.” _ . “My good woman, the dinner is perfect, but lam ill. In addition to that, I have to make a speech immediately, and I can’t speak well after eating free_ ly.” “Yes,” responded 1 the woman with spirit, *T know how it is; an empty waggon makes the loudest noise.” The politician was silent. The other man ate ravenously. WHEN ROBBED IN CHINA. The following anecdotes by a Scottish medical missionary who has traversed the whole of North China need no comment. They graphically illustrate Chinese ways. “While we were visiting a Chinese fair,” said the gentleman referred to,” one of our party had a box of clothing and other articles stolen from the hack of the cart in which he was travelling. On hearing of the theft, I at once went, with some other members of our party, to the official .in of the fair grounds and threatened to complain to the mandarins unless the stolen goods were at once recovered. “He tried to put us off, but w© persisted, and half an hour afterwards the lost luggage was restored with not a single article missing. “On another occasion a friend of mine lost a case of jewellery, and was in despair, fearing the gold would be melted down and the jewels scattered. But the Chinese police recovered the valuable shortly afterwards quite intact. ‘The explanation is simple- The thieves and the mardarins are in league. All stolen goods are preserved untouched for a certain, time in case any vigorous attempts are made to recover them. If, however!, the maiudarin can stifle or evade the hue and cry after the thieves, then the booty is sold and he shares in the proceeds ; but if the chase is Too hot the goods are restored uninjured, and the owner is generally too pleased to get his possessions back to make further trouble/’ - SCf NARROW-MINDED! The late Lord Russell of Killowen was a great lawyer and a great orator, •but he had his little failings nevertheless, and one of these failings was that it absolutely upset him when anybody presumed to differ from him. On one occasion, in talking to Mr Gully,:- afterwards the Speaker, Sir Charles Russell as he then was, said—“l never could have imagined that Mr was so narrow-minded!” “Narrow-minded!” replied Mr Gully in surprise. “Not a 'bit of it; he is a most liberal-minded 1 man.” “Don’t be ridiculous,” somewhat petulantly answered: Sir Charles Russell, “Why, this morning he differed from me twice in half an hour!” PREFERRED MORE POLITICS. A certain brilliant reporter has a •strong objection tq_ tlie held so dear by most of his associates. He wears large white cuffs, and on these he jots down such events as appeal to him, with suggestions for bis subsequent articles. At first his laundress was much puzzled by these hieroglyphics, but as time went on she became able to to read them, and apparently derived much benefit and pleasure therefrom. One day the young man received with his laundered garments a slip of paper on which were written, also in pencil, the following enigmatical words: — . “Your last washing was very interesting, but we should be glad to have you give us more political news/’ An interview with the daughter of the laundress when she brought back the next bundle resulted in a mutual understanding, but it is not stated 1 that the yp-norter complied with the request.

QUITE READY. Mr James Russell Lowell, the famous American, studied law and took an office, but never had a case at court. The Rev. Edward Everett Hale sometimes tells, however, the story of Lowell’s first client. The poet had laid aside his law-book for the nonce and was polishing off a sonnet, when the doer opened and a strange man appeared, with a look of doubt or trouble in his eyes. • Lowell hastily hid the sonnet in a pocket, sprang up -with all the alacrity of courtesy he could command, offered a chair to the visitor, took his hat and put it on the table- with as much rever_ ence a-s if it were * a. retainer, drew up , a chair opposite, pulled out a: brand-new note-book, and waving his pencil in a soft, inviting, confidential way, began—- “ Well, sir I am all ready to take notes of your case. Please tell me everything, even the most trivial circumstance.” The stranger stared at him. with open mouth for a minute, then grinned most amicably, as he answered — “I’m the man that painted your signboard on the door, sir, come to get my little bill.” 4 THEIR LITTLE MISTAKES. Concerning the craze for learning the old Celtic languages which has sprung up of late years amongst the studious members of the Scottish, Irish and Welsh communities, the following anecdot&s. are told:— , ’ A young Scottish lady who had succeeded in mastering Gaelic to her own satisfaction, asked her minister whether she might not venture to react the Bible to a bedridden old Highland woman in the neighbourhood. The minister cheerfully assented. “Then you think,” said the aspirant, “that my Gaelic will be intelligible to her?” “Well, no,” was the reply; “but the mistakes you make will amuse the old lady and put her in good spirits!” Another and more ambitious Gaelie student read the Commandments in Gaelic at. a service, and was much disturbed to notice the astonishment on the faces of the Highland congregation. On inquiry he found that he had committed the trifling mistake of leaving out the word “not” in every Commandlnent in which it appears. AN ENCOUNTER WITH “BOBS.” Lord Roberts once bad an unlucky ad_ venture with the servant of a gentleman in Ireland to whom he paid a surprise visit. While guests were at the house no person was allowed within tlie grounds, which were watched rigidly by a brawny . Irish fellow about six feet high. The morning after lie arrived Lord Roberts slipped out unseen, dressed in a very easy fashion, with the intention of having a look over the grounds. He had not proceeded far when he was pounced on by a big fellow, who demanded:— “Where wid he be goin’ ?” “Do you know whom you are addressing ■ v - • • ■ •"•' ; “Addressin’ or not addressing out ye g°.’; v . ‘ ■ . ’ “Why > T’m Roberts, stay !” ■ “Shure, if ye take that gintleman’s name in vain I’ll chuck ye over the bridge yonder.” Seeing that it was useless Lord Roberts returned, but he was resolved to have the joke out, so, telling his experience to his host,. the keeper was brought before them. The poor fellow, immediately saw his mistake and craved their'pardon, which was soon granted, and he departed richer than when he went in. THUS THE BOXERS CONVERSE. Only those who hav© lived in China can realise how great a part mystery and secretiveness play in Chinese life. Nearly every Chinaman (so a former resident in Tientsin avers) belongs to a secret society, with its own rites, signs and pass-worcls.- ' The Boxers, indeed, have a complete- language of signs, by which they can converse without utter_ ing a syllable. Two Boxers recognising eacli other in a public place will sometimes stand gazing at nothing in particular and each ap- * parently quite unconscious of the existence of the other. Watching them closely, you may observe them, toying, with their pig-tails, twitching at their sleeves and buttoning or unbuttoning their jackets-. Very fidgetty fellows you will think them, unless you know enough to realise the fact that all these seemingly meaningless movements form part of a secret code, and that the two innocent-looking Celestials are holding an animated 1 conversation boding no good to the “foreign devils.” If they were taking a meal together and wished to on a- private conversation they would still use a sign- language, but it would take the form of certain arrangements of the plates, dishes and cups, effected so quickly and in- . geniousiy that non© but the initiated -■ would know what was going on. - GOOD STORIES LIVE LONG. A capital story is worth repeating, and a goot jest has a marvellously long life.

It lingers on like a frog in geological strata-; centuries are. powerless to kill it. We all know the story of the Irishman, "who, looking over a gentleman’s .shoulder while the latter was writing a- letter, suddenly read the words, “I have much more to say. but au impudent fellow is reading all I write.” Whereupon the Irishman cried out, “Indeed, sorr, I haven’t read a word!” This yarn can be traced back for ages. Finally we discover it in a book by one Jaffii. a Persian poet who lived four hun_ dr eel. years ago. The story has nourished while cathedrals have crumbled. ASLEEP ON THE MARCH. A writer who was in the last Scndan campaign with General Kitchener, tells of seeing an adjutant and a senior major riding side by side on long marches, so that if they fell asleep they could lean on each other and not fall from their saddles. He repeats some queer stories that were told him, without saying that they are true. But if truth is stranger than fiction, one of them at least is strange enough to be true. It is about a transport master, who rode in the rear of his train of camels. He had been very busy, and! had slept little for a week. The day was hot-, and for comfort he had removed his helmet and belt; - - Then he fell asleep. Pretty soon the jolting of his camel unseated him, and he rolled to the soft ground unhurt. In fact, he was not even awakened. When at last he did wake, the Caravan was out of sishQ and he could notjfcell how' long he Sad been sleeping. There he was, the master of that colmun of transport camels, alone in the desert, unarmed, and with not even a covering for his head. As nothing was to be gained by staying where he was. he started to follow the trail, and had hurried along for some time before he noticed by the: sun that h© had. started- back, instead of ahead, on the trail of the camels. H© turned, and fortunately a. camel and driver soon met him. They had! been sent back from the caravan, not to search for him, but to look for some article that had been lost- by the ivay. BY HOOK OR BY CROOK. That the Englishman when travelling on the Continent sometimes comes off second best may be taken as an un-doubted-fact. The widow of a famous Austrian diplomat tells a rather good! story in confirmation of this. Coming from a well-known health resort in the Tyrol, in company with an invalid son, she urgently requested the guard so to manage it that no other person should enter her compartment. To her great annoyance, however, an Englishman got in at one of the first stations on the route and piled up a considerable number of bags and -wraps on the rack. The countess summoned the guard, and said in German — “As you have permitted this gentleman to come in here, I wish you to know that there will be no gratuity at the end of the journey.” “It will yet be as you wish,” said the guard confidently, as h© turned away. Tlie Englishman had scarcely made some pleasant remark to the countess, ivho had replied in English, when his wife rushed up to the compartment and called to her husband — “We must not travel here. That woman is mad. You must get out of this place at once-” “Hush! my dear,” said the husband confusedly, “the lady speaks English, andi is quite in her proper senses.” “Nothing of the kind,” was. the re_ sponse. “The guard has just told me that she is quite insane and that her son has hardly recoverd from a bad catching fever.” The Englishman was obliged' to obey his wife and the countesss was left in peace. The guard duly obtained his tip, accompanied by a command that he would never again charge the countess with madness. VERY ACCOMMODATING. The head of one of the most famous Scottish publishing houses started life as a bookseller, and his success in that direction enabled him to found the. enterprising firm now known by his name. Whilst engaged in his bookselling business he had some curious experiences, which he was very fond of relating. One day. not long after his shop was opened, he was standing behind his counter, in readiness to welcome all customers, when a very suspicious-look-ing Ipilow, whom he had observed passing to and fro before the window, cautiously peeped through tlie doorway. Finding the place clear, the man advanced!* stealthily, into the shop, and leaning over the counter, whispered into the booksellers’s ear. “I tell ye, sir,” said he, “I’ve got, so me tilin’ that wu.ll suit- ye right weel.” “But what is it ?” asked 1 the bookseller. “Weel,” was the scarcely audible reply, “I’ve just got some fine smuggled whisky which, as a speshul favour, I can let ye have at a- great bargain. I’ve got* a bottle on me that ye can ,try.” “No, no,” said the other wra-thfully.

as he caught sight of a black bottle neck protruding from one of the man’s pockets. “I want nothing of the kind. Go away at once.” But the man, evidently not believing in the sincerity of this righteous ©ut_ burst, _ leaned over the counter again., and whispered l — tak’ bibles for it.” G AVE HIM THE CHOICE. The late Mr Archibald Forbes, the famous war correspondent, began his career as a- lecturer at a small town in, Scotland. He was very nervous, and asked the janitor at the hall to let him in by a side door in order that he might avoid the crush. “Y© need-na mind,” replied that functionary; “there’s nae crood.” This was no more than the truth. A bored commercial traveller, he found, composed the entire audience. Forbes waited a while, and no one else approaching, he said to the “audience”— “Will you, have the lecture, or will you have a drink?” “A drink,” said tlie traveller. TOLD OF WAGNER. Ri«hard Wagner, the famous composer, sometimes indulged in humorous retorts. He once quoted his teacher’s remark that he would never learn to play the piano. “But,” he added, “I play a great deal better than Berloiz.” The -waggishness of this remark lies in the fact that Berlioz could not play at all. - During a rehearsal of the “Renzi” overture in Dresden, the trombones were too loud 1 . Instead of rebuking them angrily, he said t with a laugh—- “ Gentlemen, we are in Dresden, net marching round the walls of Jericho.” SOMEONE ELBE’S JOKE. A gentleman who resided about thirtyfive miles from London ha-di been up to town to visit a theatre, and was returning home by the 11.45 p.m. train. It was a bitterly cold night, and the ticket inspector, who stood by the train kept on stamping his feet to keep them warm. “You look cold,” said the gentleman, as he came up. “Won’t you take a nip of something?” “Thank you, sir,” said the man gratefully. “Then take a nip of this.” holding out the ticket, and the gentleman got into the compartment, chuckling over his little joke. But he wasn’t so amused later on when he found himself being swiftly carried past his destination, the inspector having put him into an ordinary carriage instead of the slip carriage which stopped at his place. * He was landed about forty miles farther on on a raw morning, with no possibility of catching a train home for many hours, and his language was really most unparliamentary. But that was someone else’s joke.