PROFESSOR BANGS, THE MEDICINE MAN.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 1506, 10 January 1901, Page 8

PROFESSOR BANGS, THE MEDICINE MAN.

A OLAY FISK STORY. (Walter Mac Ewan, in the “Peoples’s Friend.”) When I was put up for a night at the. Kearney House in the hills I was not a bit surprised to find Alonzo P. Fillmore on the verandah talking to about a dozen delightful girls. I hadn’t seen Alonzo for years, since we were at college, in fact, but he was talking to girls when I parted from him then. When I left him at College he had done no work for several years, and announced his intention of doing none for many more. He had always been handsome and well-mannered. I believe they make) dukes out of this land of material in Europe. In America we generally have to make tramps of them, there not being enough millionairesses to go round. He detached himself adroitly from his admirers, and came round to shake hands. “How are you, Clay?” he said. “Same 014 beaver for work? Air-tight safes isn’t it ?” “That’s me, Alonzo,” I said. “What’s your little racket? You travel round on your figufe, I guess ?’' I said this quite at random, admiring my good-looking friend in his perfectlyfitting summer clothes. “I do,” he said, sitting down, and passing me a good cigar. “I toil not, neither do I spin, but I resemble ciolomon in the number of my lady friends. You have noticed that the Kearney House doesn’t differ from other summer resorts. Forty-two boarders, and, upon my honour, thirty-seven of them girls of assorted ages. One of the five men is a sick clergyman, another is paralysed, and three are over sixty. The proprietor of this hotel is a live man, Clay, and I’m here on a salary. I keep this seminary booming right along. You’ve read our prospectus? Majestic view, ambient air, lovely walks, recherche cuisine,. golf, tennis, canoeing. That’s all right, but the principal attraction is me, Alonzo _P. Fillmore. I’m the/ most majestic view in this neighbourhood. What’s to keep this—this ” “Hen convention?” I suggested. __ “Feminine assemblage—your language lacks culture, day—from boring itself to extinction ” ' . “Lovely walks, golf, tennis, canoeing/’ I murmured.

“Bosh! Hair of the crowd are always lazing around with novels.” “Who said ‘culture?’” I asked. “And gone dead sour on other girls’ society. That’s where I whirl in. 1 sing ’em songs of Araby, I play the piano, I’m the boss amateur theatrical, xxiy literary conversation is gilt-ecige, and has been approved by Beacon stieet, Boston. I can lead the German till you can’t rest, and know more figures than the next man. That’s when we’ve a frivolous crowd. But we’ve u trainload of female Endeavourers, and I’ve been a glittering success. Ton should hear me lead the joyfulness on that melodeon in the drawing-room.” “What is the size of your hat, Alonzo ?” I asked, thoughtfully. “This is not side, Clay. It is _a fact from a refrigerator. I could enjoy this public career well enough if it wasn’t for the past. The past has a way of turning up and laying out a popular success.” “What’s the past, Alonzo?’ I inquired. “Poker? Politics? Horsestealing?” This was chaff merely. Alonzo was not industrious, but he was above these things. “The past was Mrs Fillmore,” said he, chewing his unlighted cigar. “Mrs Fillmore!” said I. “My clear hoy, may I congrat “No, you don’t, Clay,” he said. “Not me. I’m afraid I’m still married.” “I want to know,” said I. ‘Aurelia Stimson Bangs,’ said Alonzo, “married me because slie wanted to. Her father was a. doctor in Tankville. He was a skilful man, I understand, and looked upon the wine when it was red, and the whisky when the same was straight. He died, leaving us about 2000 dollars and his own death certificate drawn up and signed in proper form. ‘Primary cause of death, over dose of morphine; secondary causes (if any), snakes in his boots.’ He bad been taking brandy, chloral, hydrate, morphine, paraldehyde, cocaine and cannibas indica. The medical friend who overhauled the deceased said that Bangs was a good fellow, but erred m mixing his drinks. “Aurelia and I inherited also the corntents of his surgery and a neat skeleton in a case. I didn’t mind the bureau of medicine bottles, the balance, microscope, etc. They rather ornamented our rooms. But I kicked at the skeleton as a parlour decoration. Aurelia said that it was a relic of her dear poppa, and she wouldn’t part with it. I pointed out that it was plainly a relic of some one else’s dear poppa, hut she was firm. She was remarkably firm, Aurelia. “After lier poppa’s death we stepped high for some time on that 2000 dols; but by and by things’ got down towards hard pan. • We lived in a street down which a stream of people passed to business in the mornings, mostly drygoods clerks, typists, sales ladies, and folks of that description. I don’t know if the Tankville girls were fonder of pie than others; but when Aurelia pointed out the number of red noses among them, 30 per cent., I reckon, I began to think that it was so. As for the. men, we were in a prohibition State, and naturally the whisky was as crooked as it was plentiful. They were a torchlight procession. ‘ “I guess/ said Aurelia, ‘that there is a field here for' a Remedy for Red Noses.’ “‘I don’t think the idea is original, said. I. “ ‘Guess not,’ said she, ‘but the malady ain’t original either. Look at that girl on the sidewalk with the bismuth on her leading feature. She’s simply a whited—a —lucifer. She’s got a 25inch waist inside an 18-inch Pelt. Where’s she going to put her lunch, the soggy, dried-apple pie, the green apples au naturel, and the ice-cream ?’ “ ‘But a red nose isn’t a disease/ said I, ‘it’s a symptom.’ “ ‘My poppa used to say/ said Aurelia, ‘that the way to please the public was to go for a symptom baldheaded»’ “Well, she raked out a harmless piescription of her pojjpa’s 1 for a cooling mixture —spirit of nitrous ether, acetate of ammonia, and ipecac. We nut it up in six-ounce bottles, stoppered. Professor Bang’s Remedy for Red Noses, mailed free, secured against inspection, for one dollar fifty. Apply, Bqt 373, P. 0., Tankville. We put all ovff remaining pile on a modest ad. in a ladies’ home journal, a popular religious weekly, and a local temperance magazine. We meant no insinuations. But the people most anxious to get rid of red noses are obviously those who do the least to deserve them. “The remedy took hold right away. Aurelia opened the correspondence, and dictated most sympathetic letters, which I wrote out flowingly. The dollars waltzed into Box 373, and Aurelia wes happy- Well, I wasn’t. It is perfectly astonishing the number of people, mostly ladies, who wrote to Professor Bangs, and the number of things they talked about. Aurelia was tireless 1 . I think she rather enjoyed this everlasting chinning. Many of the writers, I expect, gladly sent the 1.5-f dollar merely for the pleasure of pouring out their souls to the sympathetic and helpful Professor, and enjoying the really able replies they got. My portrait as the Professor was protogravured on the 'directions’ hill wrapped round the remedy. As Aurelia opened all the letters herself, I never knew exactly what was in them, but I fanev. some of the writers were rather struck on the Professor. Just imagine my having to

write replies to hundreds of letters I hadn’t read! One end of a telephone conversation was nothing like so aggravating. “At last when asked to reply to what I suspected to be a more than usually effusive bunch of epistles, I kicked. 1 said that it was humiliating to be used as a sort of ground-bait for a lot of hysterical females, and I was astonished that Aurelia countenanced these proceedings. “Aurelia, fixed me with her glittering eye until I wilted some. “ ‘Alonzo P. Fillmore/ said she, ‘this is where your toes turn inwards. if you think that your natural protector, which is me, couldn’t stand off this jne-clollar-fifty crowd with one hand led behind me, you err exceedingly grievous. You just sit right down and write off these six pages of heartfelt sympathy to that last posse of red-nos-ed cindercats, and don’t open your head till you are through, or I’ll go off to Dakota right away and file a divorce for incompatibility of temper.’ She meant it, too, and as she had all the currency which came with the letters, I had to succumb. “This went on some time, and Aurelia’s wallet was getting pretty fat with dollar bills. We had always discouraged personal interviews, but one day when I was shelling peas in the kitchen our fool of a coloured hired girl came to say a lady was in the parlour waiting for Professor Bangs. _ “Now,” Aurelia said, swiftly, “you’ie Professor Bang*. Yen gt • into n ppa’s old 1 rock coal. It isn’t vhe latest style, but that’s like a uoetor. Til get behind the screen in the 'surgery,' and you’ll put her back to it when you set a chair. I’ll prompt yen, and if she wants a change of medicine, give her peppermint water coloured with tinct. lavender. Fly around!” “Between that female patient and Aurelia behind the screen, I had a daisy time. I perspire profusely when I think of it. It speaks considerable for my command of countenance that I never showed the patient how badly rattled I was, even when I was about to take lier temperature, with a chemical thermometer registering 340 degrees, and Aurelia made a face over the screen to me sufficient to petrify a hippopotamus. I gave the patient a ‘change of medicine,’ filling the prescription myself on the spot from Aurelia’s formula, at least I thought I ®did- After showing her out, I returned exhausted to imd Aurelia peeking like a weasel at one ,of the shelf-bottles I had used. She passed her finger round the lip, and it was wet. “Did you use this bottle?’’ sli3 de-' mandecl in a soul-chilling voice. “ ‘Tinct. Lavender,’ said I. “ ‘Liquor Arsenicalis/ she said. ‘Lavender’s the next bottle” “ ‘lt was the way you shook miur fist over the screen when I asked the patient’s age and weight that broke me all up/ said I. ■ ‘lt just got on my nerves and affected my vision.’ “ ‘Well/ she said, ‘it’s a good thing I said half a drachm of the lavender.’ “‘Half a drachm!’ I echoed. ‘I thought that curly thing * meant half an ounce.’ “ ‘Half an ounce of solution of arsenic in a six-ounce bottle!’ screamed Aurelia. ‘Oh, my goodness!’ “I seized my liat. “ ‘That’s right/ said Aurelia, with cold sarcasm. ‘Rush out into. Fortythird street and whoop for a red-nosed woman with a medicine bottle. Board all the street cars —there are only three lines and one car on each line every four minutes —and yell for a red-nosed woman with a medicine bottle. Fly round to the depot and flag the departing trains till you’ve gone through all the cars for a red-nosed woman with a medicine bottle!’

“I temporarily lost the consideration Avith Avhich I treat all ladies. ‘Oh, rest your chin, Aurelia,’ I said. She won’t take that physic till to-morroAV at lunch —‘one dessertspoonful every day before lunch’ —and I’m going to advertise in the morning papers. I can make it courteous, concise, but startling: ‘Red-nosed patient, beware! Do not take medicine. Arsenic! Accept unqualified apology—yours, Professor Bangs.’ “‘What!’ she shrieked, seizing the skirts of my—l mean her poppa’s—frookcoat. ‘That will simply kill the remedy just Avhen it’s beginning to take the public!’ “ ‘I guess/ said I, ‘that’s better than killing the public Avhen it’s beginning to take the remedy.’ “I left a goodly portion of coat skirt in her grasp, and departed for the neAvspaper offices. “Tavo hours later I returned to a desolated household. Aurelia Stimson Fillmore, Avith characteristic decision, had paid off the hired girl, paqked her trunks, and checked ’em through to Dakota or elsewhere. She left a note couched in unfeeling terms —‘I have no use for you, Alonzo. You make me feel tired. I have taken all available cash,

except vimt fifty on the bureau, and leave you the Remedy for Red Noses. Adieu for ever.—Aurelia. Hb.—lf you have put that fool ad. into the papers 5 it’s time for you to take to the woods.’

“That night I did a heap of thinking. In the morning I dressed, filled my gripsack with what portable valuables Aurelia had overlooked (not much), and put on a pair of smoked glasses formerly worn by the doctor. I had shaved my moustache and banged my hair, so jl looked unlike the previous Professor. I went clown town and into a restaurant for breakfast. “A man was having breakfast and reading the paper at the same time, a habit productive of red noses (see r*rofessor Bang’s ‘Advice to Sufferers’). He had a red nose. His breakfast was principally oysters and black coffe<*. ±iis hands shook and his eyes were red. it was evidently a case of dazzle after the razzle. AU at once he turned pale, choked, gazed at the mirror opposite, dropped the paper, and seized his hat. “ ‘What’s the trouble?’ I asked. “ ‘Poisoned, by Caesar’s ghost/ he said, and scooted in the direction of the nearest drug-store. “I had heard of Caesar Borgia as a toxicologist, but not of Caesar’s ghost in that capacity. I looked at tiie rumpled paper. He haa been reading the agony acts., where loomed the warning of Professor Bangs. He was evidently one of our patients who had mistaken the inflammation of his conjunctiva, produced quite otherwise, for the effect of arsenical poisoning. A little medical knowledge is a dangerous thing. “As I went into the street to look after him some people were lifting a fainting lady out of a horse-car. She Had a red nose, and a newspaper clutched in her hand. As 1 gazed from the kerb I was nearly upset by a wild-eyed woman with a red nose who bounced out of a street door. She wore slippers and a wrapper, and clutched a dazed policeman, hoarsely demanding a remedy for arsenical poisoning! “I entered the corner drug-store and found my friend of the oysters looking very sick, while another red-nosed man sat complaining of pains in his midst, and imbibing dialysed iron. “I asked the drug-clerk for a cream soda. Hei looked relieved, and whispered that he thought I was ‘another’' until he saw that my nose was normal. “ ‘Some smart Aleck has been treating all the crimson-beaks in this city to Rough on Rats, and then given it away in the papers/ said the clerk. “I paid for my soda and left. Great is the power of the Press, but this time it appeared to have cut rather too wide a swathe. “ ‘Alonzo P./ said I, ‘This is no place for thee.’ I took a- car for the depot. Two men got in beside me, one with a paper in his hand. “ ‘B’gosh!’ said he, ‘half the city has got that all-gone feeling. Doc. Morris said to me he thought it Avas hysteria or hypnotic suggestion or something. They all say they’re poisoned with arsenic, but the symptoms vary from smoker’s heart to painter’s colie, ana som9 have got ’em all mixed.’ “ ‘Where does that Professor hang out his shingle?’ asked the other. • “‘Nobody knew till a lady A\ r ho Avas there yesterday gave him away. Fortythird street. A mob of tne boys allowed they’d skin the Professor, and started about an hour ahead of this car.’ “The pair got up to vieAV the catastrophe as Ave passed along Forty-third street. The side-Avalk Avas strewn Avith the mingled preparations of the U.S. Pharmacopoeia and the ruins of our happy home. A skeleton—the ‘relic of Aurelia’s poppa’—dangled from a handy tree suspended by the neck. Some frivolous person had attached a placat’d —‘After TJsing.’ “ ‘Well, now,’ said one of my neighbours, in admiration, ‘if that’s the Professor, I guess he’s been skun!’’’