STORIES.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 1404, 26 January 1899, Page 17

STORIES.

A good red-tape story comes from Glelwitz, in Upper Silesia. A youngster’s kite got caught in the electric wire of a fire alarm. A pdliceman noted the accident, and, in order to get the kite removed, made a written report, which after having been perused by Polizeikommissar, was forwarded successively to the Polizei-Inspektor, a magistrate and tho Feuerloscbgeratkommission. The last named authority engaged an engineer (!) to remove the kite, and recommended tho magistrate to reward the zealous policeman with a premium of 25 pfennings. The engineer next handed in a written communication to the effect that the offending kite had been removed. Tho municipal treasury handed to the policeman the sum of 25 pfennings (2|d), and received in return a duly signed acknowledgement. The master of the school which the unskilful kite-flyer attended—fourteen days had been spent in tracing him—received instructions to severely warn his pupils against flying their kites against electric wires. The master reported that the ivere warned accordingly. The Feuerloschgoratkommission sent a deputation to the local school board to ask that all school inspectors in the district should bo instructed to see that all the children in all the local schools received a similar warning. The headmasters of all schools were next provided with written instructions as to the way in which the warning should be made. Circulars were distributed among the school children. The school inspector was informed of the steps that bad been taken. He informed the school board, and the school board the Burgermeister. Finally, the written documents relating to the affair were collected, and, after being furnished with a formidable register number, were pigeonholed. Four months passed from the loss of the child’s kite to the final cessation of written documents concerning it.

How Spurgeon once raised a good collection for “a deserving object” is told in the biography recently published. During his first year in London, he was invited to preach at Tring. The clergyman there, a worthy man whose stipend amounted to only about 15s per week, invited him to tea at his house. While they sat in the humble home the eminent preacher’s conscience smote him, because his good deacon and himself were consuming some of the scanty store of provisions, and he began to think of some plan by which they could repay the clergyman for his hospitality. Noting that his friend was wearing an alpaca coat which was very shiny, and in places so worn that he could see through it, Spurgeon hit upon his plan. So at the end of the evening service he said to the congregation : “Now, dear friends, I have preached to you as well as I could, and you know what our Saviour said to His disciples, ‘ Freely ye have received, freely give,’ I don’t want anything from you for myself, but the minister of this chapel looks to me as though he would not object to a new suit of clothes.” Spurgeon then pointed down to his deacon and said :—‘‘Father Olney, down there, I am sure will start the collection with half a sovereign.” Father Olney at once nodded his head to confirm this statement. “I will gladly give the same amount, and if you all help as much as you can, our brother will soon have a new suit, and a good one, too.” The collection raised a very fair sum, and the minister was provided with a suit.

A number of years ago an order providing for a change in the full-dress coat burst like a bombshell upon the young officers of a certain American warship which was under orders to sail within a week for ia cruise. The commanding officer, who was a stickler for naval regulations, insisted that the order should be obeyed before the vessel left the Port of San Francisco. A stay of several weeks there had depleted the pockets of the steerage officers, and the paymaster would not listen to an advance. Seven men needed seven coats, at a collective price equal to about £66. A hasty examination of purses resulted in a total of less than £ls. A happy thought struck a bright young officer. The coats would be needed only when it was necessary to accompany the captain ashore on official visits. And only one officer went at a time. Why not. buy ono coat and have it altered by the ship’s tailor each time it was used ? Although the largest man weighed twr hundred pounds and the smallest tipped the scales at one hundred and thirty, the suggestion was gladly adopted. It is said that when the vessel returned to San Francisco that full-dress coat contained more seams and stitches than a crazy-quilt.

| A grave and learned pundit who, for purposes of research, had accompanied an Oriental embassy to England, found himself much lionised and feted in London society, but did not quite appreciate the frivolous jestings of some of the fashionable dames with whom he came in contact. ... i One of these, meeting him at a garden party, subjected him to a good deal of lively badinage about the sale and purchase of females for the Eastern harems, and expressing great curiosity upon the point, questioned him closely as to what would be the probable value of certain of the ladies present, finally pressing him to say what amount he would have offered had she been in the market. This was the sage’s opportunity, and he stroked his beard, pondered a little while, and then rejoined—- “ I am unable to say, madam. I do not yet know the smaller coinage of this country ! ” An Australian woman of great charm ,

and tact tells many amusing stories of the strange questions put to her by people with a thirst for information about her native land. “It is a very common thing for me to be asked if the bushes are still thick where I live, or whether our house is in a ‘ clearing,’ ” she says plaintively ; “ and I know they often regard my veracity as a doubtful quantity when I tell them Australia is not all ‘bush’ by any means. But art old lady asked me a new question one day. She evidently supposed that ah the dwellers in Australia, were descendants of the criminals transported to Botany Bay.

. “ ‘ Is it possible for tho convicts to educate their children so well, ordinarily p ’ this terrible okl Englishwoman asked me, surveying me through her lorgnette as I finished telling one of her friends about my school days. “ ‘ But my father was not a convic 1 ,’ I said, with natural surprise. “‘Ah,’ she said meditatively, ‘then I suppose it was your grandfather who wa3 sent there. Of course, much can be dene in the third generation.’ “I should have been angry if it bad been worth while,” the Australian adds, with admirable wisdom. “But she surveyed me so impersonally that I di ln’t even tell her there was actually a part of the population of my native country which did not come from convict stock.”

A few years ago, a well-known physician of New York, while visiting Paris, attended an amateur circus—a fas!'ionable society event—to which there was admission only by invitation. He presented himself at the door with a ticket made out in the name of his friend, Prince , of the Russian Embassy. “But this ticket is not yours ; it is Prince ’s and is not transferable,” said the doorkeeper. “Well, am I not Prince ?” asked the doctor. “No sir ; we know very well that the prince has only one eye. The other is glass.” “Well, stupid, how about this,” said the doctor, as he took his own glass eye out and held it in his hand for inspection. “ Oh, I beg your highness’s pardon,” said the doorkeeper, “ walk in.” The doctor had cleverly hit upon the only defect in which he and the prince resembled each other.

The proprietor of a certain “ Sports. Emporium ” recently related the following experience to the writer, anc vouched for the accuracy of the story. Towards the close of last season he had a good many footballs left on his hands. These he decided to clear “at greatly reduced prices.” He filled his window with footballs of every shape, size, and quality. Before he had finished he was called away, and, turning to, a young lady assistant he instructed her to affix the price of each football in plain figures. The young lady did so, and when her employer returned some little time latex % wonderful sight awaited him. Most of the footballs looked as if thej had been taking part in a very rough match, while the once beautiful pyramid of balls in the centre of the window was now a shapeless mass. “ Here, Miss B ,” roared the tradesman, “ what on earth’s tho matter these balls ?” “ Don’t know, sir,” was the repl" “ without it’s the pins, sir !” She had pinned the price tickets on to them.

An amusing story is told at Stratford-on-Avon. In the dining-room of an hotel there an Englishman and a Scotsman engaged in a heated argument. John Bull was declaring William Shakespeare to be the only poet of the world, uid David McPherson was standing up for his Robert Burns. Words ran high and blows seemed imminent, when a self-confident htt--linendraper, who had heard only a Portion of the argument, determined to throw oil on the troubled waters. “ Gentlemen,” he said, stepping between the heated disputants, “ let me settle this amicably. Who is this Shake-peare-Burns ?” Here is a careful translation of a notice that appeared lately on tho townhall of a certain small German town by the name of Schoppenstadt: NOTICE. The Burgomaster and Town-Council of Schoppenstadt hereby give notice tc all whom it maj r concern, that whereas tho sign-post on the hill above tho town, at the cross-roads, has. been several times blown down, to tho gr-.rtt inconvenience of travellers, it will now be erected on a pivot, so that the aforesaid accident can no longer happen. Such a wcather-eock sign-post will, of course, be of the utmost utility to travellers.

At ihe meeting of school teachers and others from various parts of Lancashire and Yorkshire, the following story was told by the chairman : An overlooker in a mill, with a family of seven, sent his eldest cliiid to the null as soon as the law allowed her to go. Sho received the standard wage of fifteenpence a week. At the end of a week sho left. Thereupon the employer sent for the father, and asked the reason whv.

" Well,” lie answered, ‘‘wo thought it would be cheaper to keep her at home, for the week when she was at work and had to get up at half-past five, siie moaned an’ groaned so much that it waken’d all i! other childer, who ate more food afore breakfast-time nor fifteenpence came to.”

His Highness Prince Adolphus of Schaumburg-Lippc is the hero of the following story. During an important congress of

princes held in Frankfort soms years ago, a great banquet was given by cue municipal authorities, and to this all tue notables of the city were duly invited. The Sovereign Princes of the German. Confederation sat apart from the rest of the company, and were engaged in a very animated and interesting conversation, when suddenly there was a general commotion among the iliustrous guests. Tho crowned heads semed, with one accord, to rise from their seats to welcome an insignificant littlo gentleman who had joined the exclusively select circle. But., to everybody’s astonishment, Prince Adolphus alone retained his seat. Then the Elector of Hesse hurriedly went up to him, and whispered in his car—“My dear Prince, won’t you come to speak to this gentleman along with the rest of us? Don’t you know who he is ?” “ I have no idea,” was the indifferent reply. “ Why, it’s Baron Rothschild.” “ What of that ?” rejoined Prince Adolphus. “He is nothing to me. I don’t owe the fellow anything.”

Here are some diverting particulars illustrating the “spoils of office” system as it prevails in Brazil. Somo time ago a general was sent to ono of the northern states to investigate the management of a government railway. He belonged to the set of men who have made themselves obnoxious by their endeavours in the service of reform. The very first day he found in one of the rooms of a railway station a strong young man who was doing nothing. Thinking the young fellow had come to see him, he asked—“Do you want anything, my friend?” ” No, sir. lam employed here.” “ So! What are your duties ?” “ I have to fill the water-jugs in tho office every day.” The general was a little astonished. In the next rSom he discovered another able-bodied young man, smoking a cigarette. “ Are you an employe ?” ho asked. “ Yes, sir. I am the assistant of tlic gentleman in the next room.” But that was nothing to what was to come. The general had already been informed that the road employed eighteen engineers, while only eight wen working. He ordered that in future these men should at least take turn about. The next day one of these “ engineers,” a beardless youth, came to him and told him that he could not run a locomotive to save his life. “ Then how did you get on the payroll ?” “ Well, you see, general, it’s this way. My family are poor, Jmt I wanted to study law. We got some influence at work for me, so I managed to get art appointment as honorary engineor, to make a living while I pursue my studies.” '

A neat love story with a surprise finish is told in “Munsey’s Magazine,” by a writer who met a much-travelled acquaintance at the Savoy. He had spent much of his life in Australia. Over their cigars, the man of travel said :—“ I went out to Australia for tho same reason nine men out of ten do anything—a woman.” I waited a minute for something more, and then I could think of nothing more original than the old saw about a woman being at tho bottom of everyhing. “Certainly sho was at the bottom of my going to Australia. I loved her too much to stay.” “Was she married?” 1 asked. “Sho was—and to a confounded rake, a chap who ought to have been horse-whipped all over England. He drank,he raced, ho gambled, he led her the devil of a life.” “That must have hurt.” “But not half as much as it hurt her.” “ I)o you think she loved you ?” “ I know she did. That was the thing that finally gave me the courage to go away. There has’t been a minute in these tlirie years that I haven’t known it, and it lias made my life possible. If I hadn’t known that she was here in this part of the world believing in me, trusting me, loving me, I’d have lost my head many’s the time.” “ And now ?” asked I “ Now lam going to again. She will be on the train from Paris which comes over that bridge thero in just one little half-hour. I haven’t seen"her for three years.” “I suppose her husband has died?” I ventured. “No.” Ho spoke with sternness. “ But' ” “There are no huts about it. We aro going to pretend that drunken wretch 1S /lead, and begin our lives all over agam. Wo are going to take a yacht and poke its nose into every corner of the globe. I am going to take her out to Australia, and show her sciue of those places where I .suffered n m : where the thought of her kept m *, alive ” Do you think that is just fair to her'? ohe may love you enough but ” “She’s willing to risk life with m„ and I am willing to risk it, although the e was a time when I wasn’t. Whcm people love each other as much as she and Ido it overcomes everything.” I had liked the man so much that £ h'hed * to seo him go wrong, and I made ■, i , plea. “ But her husband, the man whoso lawful wife she promised to be?” ill i'“