THE LAUGHTER-BOX.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 1194, 18 January 1895, Page 10

THE LAUGHTER-BOX.

A little nonsense now and then Is relish.d by the wheat men. 111/DIUfAS. WHAT'S IN A NAME ? A life insurance man, whose business chiefly lies in connection with general indexes—those books which contain the names of tens of thousands of provident people all o\er Australasia—has made up a list of names of members which struck him as peculiar. They are not peculiar in themselves, but certainly the connection is somewhat singular. There are a Body and a Soul, a Head, Scull, Brain, Hair, Face, Ejes, Temple, Chin, Tooth, Pallett, Tongue and Cheek; Blood and Vains; a Frame with Bones, Joynts, Arms, Hands, Palmes, Fingers, Leggs, Knees, and at least one Foot with Toe, Heal and Sole; a Hart and a Back, and both Hight and Weight. Being a life assurance office wo look for Death, and, lo ! it is there !

NEARER THAN HE THOUGHT. A Scottish divine was busy in his study composing and rehearsing his sermon for Sunday, and at the same time enjoying a whiff of a fragrant weed, when his studies were rudely interrupted by the appearance of one of his elders, who wan a great teetotaller and anti-tobacconist. ‘ Good morning, Mr Morrison,’ said the reverend doctor as he offered his visitor a chair, ‘I hope you are all well at home.’ ‘Ou, ay, we’re a’ fine, thank ye. But, man, I’m safr astonished and vexed tae see you, a minister, sae busy burnin’ incense tae Sawtan.’ ‘ Oh, I see,' said the doctor between the puffs. * Well, if I am, I had no idea he was so near me.’ , NAME FADS. An ‘Amused’ public vaccinator in a rural district of Sussex, who has been making a collection of the names of the rustic children brought to him for treatment, sends the cream to the Standard. Among girls he has bagged Gladys Irene Florence, Doris Alma May, Ealeen GDnide, Dora Vinita, and Margaretta Lavinia; and among boys, Norman Archibald, Cyril Granville, Douglas Dennis Richmond, and Cyril Dudley. These children, he remarks, will be our future scullery and other maids, grooms, gardeners, and so forth. Well, why not ? What’s in a name ? A groom called Norman Archibald can care for a horse as well as Tom, Dick or Harry.— London Globa. ILLITERATE VOTERS. Speaking of the London School Board election, the Globa says:— ‘ Of the many humours of the poll recorded in this morning’s papers, perhaps the best is the Daily Telegraph’s old lady who, after declaring her illiteracy, replied, in answer to the question how she wished the paper marked, “ I want to vote for Annie Sinclair; I’m a woman myself, and I want to support Annie Sinclair —plumpers.” There being no candidate of that name, puzzlement supervened, until it transpired that the good lady had unconsciously identified the word Anti-Circular with jin imaginary candidate named Annie Sinclair.’

WAITING FOR A BREEZE. A gentleman riding through Sydenham saw a board with the Avords ‘ This Cottage for Sail’ painted on it. Seeing a woman in front of the cottage, he stopped and asked her very politely when the cottage would sail. ‘ Just as soon as the man comes who can raise the wind,’ Avas the quiet reply. WANTED THE EDITOR. The office boy, Avho was also guardian of the gate of the Occulentalist, Avas sunning himself lazily in front of the office when a rough-looking citizen, with his pantaloons in kis boots and a gun in his coat-tail pocket, approached the portcullis. * Can I see the editor ?’ he asked, in a voice that sounded like a brass drum out of tune. * Do you want him to see you ?’ asked the guardian significantly. ‘I don’t care if he does or not, so long’s I can see him.’ This did not strike the guardian propitiously. ‘ What do you want to see him about ?’ he asked on another tack. 'About four minutes and a half,’ was the rather equivocal reply. * Is it personal ?’ enquired the boy, disregarding the ancient form of witticism in the answer. ‘ Yes.’ * Want to lick him?’ ‘No; want to pay my subscription for last year and the year to come.’ The boy jumped up; he hadn't moved previously. * Walk right in,’ he said, shoving the door open ; ‘ walk right in ; but say, mister, don’t spring it on him sudden ; he ain’t used to it, and something might happen.’ ‘HITCHING’ IN A HURRY. The gander-legged young man in a skyblue necktie came hurriedly into the squire’s office and laid a legal document before that potentate. ‘ Is that paper negotiable in this market ?’ he enquired anxiously. The squire looked over it kmg enough to determine in his own mind that it Avas a marriage license. 1 1 suppose it is,’ replied the squix-e, ‘ but it cannot be validated, so to speak, unless the party of the second part is present.’ ‘ You mean the gal?’ asked the negotiator, more nervous than before. ‘I do.’ ‘ She’s all right; she’s outside in the Ayaggon holdin’ the hosses.’ ‘ You don’t expect me to go out there to perform the ceremony, do you ?’ asked the squire haughtily. ‘ HaA-o you got the power to fix the business ?’ enquired the young man, apparently of the belief that the squire had to call in the police or a preacher or some other functionary. ‘ Certainly; I’ve got all the paraphernalia right here, handy; all I need is the girl.’ ‘And the whole caboodle Avouldn’t amount to shucks Avithout her, would it ?’ asked the youth, with a smile as happy as it was

’ sheepish. ‘Hardly.’ ‘Shake, old man,’ ) exolaimed the Romeo, extending his hand. ‘ Shake once for luck. I’ll go righfi out and hitch the hosses, and fetch in the gal, and you can hitch us. Here’s 50 cents to show you I mean business,’ and he hustled out to hitch the horses preparatory to the other hitching. HE WANTED ‘THREE STAR.’ ‘Have you Three Star brandy ?’ said the weary traveller, as he ranged up to his berth at the rear of the bush shanty. * I don’t know whither Oi hov any three star,’ said the landlord, ‘ but Oi hov some of the rale sthuft here, and two glasses uv it’ll make you see fourteen stars any day—comets, too, be Jabers.’ ‘But the weary one took no interest in astronomy.— ‘ Wommera,’ in the Australasian. SNIPPETS AND SMILES. Frank: ‘ Why does Miss Richleigh wear such enormous sleeves ? Large sleeves are fashionable, I know, but hers are simply huge.’ Miss Spite : ‘ Have you never noticed her mouth ?’ ‘ Why, of course, but what has her mouth to do with it ?’ ‘ Oh, ( nothing, only they say she has a habit of laughing in her sleeve.’ At a school the other day during the Bible lesson, which was about Moses, the teacher asked one of the boys ‘ Why was Moses hidden by his mother among the bulrushes?’ ‘Because she didn’t want him to be vaccinated,’ replied the boy.

When the penniless lordling - to got a rich wife

Of liis own nationality fails, He crosses the ocean with heart light and gay, And robs the United States males. Bouncer: ‘Mr and Mrs Greenleaf are very happy now.’ Softleigli: ‘lndeed? Is it a boy ?’ ‘Of course not. It’s a divorce.’

Wife: ‘Tommy doesn’t seem to be afraid of policemen.’ Husband: ‘ Why should he ? His nurse was a very pretty girl.’ They were talking of the vanity of women, and one of the few ladies present undertook a defence. ‘Of course,, she said, ‘ I admit that women are vain and men are not. Why, she added, with a glance around, ‘ the necktie of the handsomest man in the room is even now up the back of his collar.’ And then she smiled—for every man present had put his hand up behind his neck !

*My friend,’ said the solemn man, * have you ever done aught to make the community in which you live the better for your living in it r* ‘ I have done much, sir,’ replied the other, humbly, ‘to purify the homes of my fellow-beings.’ ‘Ah,’ continued the solemn man, with a pleased air, ‘you distribute tracis ?’ ‘No; I clean carpets.’

Edith: ‘Sometimes you appear really manly, and sometimes you are absolutely effeminate. How do you account for it ?’ Harold (after thinking it over): ‘ I suppose it is hereditary. ’Half my ancestors were males, and the other half females.’ v Cucumbers sliced are said to remove freckles. That is nothing. Sliced too thickly, they have been known to remove whole families.

Now that phrenology is coming to the front we should like to hear from some expert who can tell us xvhat is in a barrel by examining its head. The Illawarra Mercury discusses ‘ Who is a finished reader?’ The one who wrestles with the first tAvo lines of one of its leading articles, we should think. '

Although one-half the Avorld does not know hoAv the other half lives, you can bet your boots that it is not the feminine half ’ which is in the darkness.

Mrs Nuwed: ‘Don’t try to soothe me, sir! You have doubted my word.’ Nuwed: ‘But, my darling, you must have spent the money or lost it. Only last Monday, I see by my cheque-book, I gave you .£lo.' Mrs Nuwed : ‘There! There! You xvould sooner bolieve an old cheque-book than me.’ Wife: ‘ Hoav people gaze at my iioav dress! I presumo they wonder if I’ve been shopping in Paris.’ Husband: ‘More likely they Avondor if I’ve been robbing a bank.’

Debtor: ‘ I can’t pay you anything this month.’ Collector: That’s what you told me last month.’ Debtor: ‘Well, I kept my word, didn’t I ?’

‘ W liy don’t you try to paddle your own canoe ?’ growled Bioavii as Jones struck him for a small loan. ‘I can’t,’ said Jones, ‘ buc I am trying to float a loan.’

Doctor: ‘ Your husband’s pulse in going at a terrific rate, madam. I don’t know how to account for it.’ Mrs Springer: ‘ I know. I “told him you might bring your bill with you.’ Dibbins : ‘ I say, old man, 1 haven’t seen you at the riding school lately. Have you given it up?’ Dobbins : ‘Yes. lam waiting till somebody invents a pneumatic saddle.’

Servant: ‘ Yis, sorr, Mrs Talker is in. What’s yor name, sorr ?’ Visitor : ‘ Professor Vandersplinkenheimer.’ Servant:

* Och ! Sure, ye’d better go right in and take it Avid ye.’ The wife of a Scottish minister, who was a cipher in his own house, once remonstrated with a tinker, who had a craze for collecting buttons. * Weel, mem,’ was the reply, ‘ ilka ane has their craze; mine’s for buttons, an’ yours for breeks !’ Pipkin: ‘ I don’t understand how Brace manages to dress as Avell as he does.’ Potts: * Nothing could be simpler ; he pawns his old suit for money enough to make a deposit on a new one.’ Papa (a travelling man) : ‘ No, dear, I can’t stay at home. I must go away to make bread and butter for you and mamma.’ Little Elsie: ‘Do stay at home, papa, and we’ll be satisfied with biscuits.’

She : ‘lf you don’t let go my hands, sir, I’ll’ring for the servants.’ He: ‘ But if I don’t let go how can you ring ?’ She (thoughtfully): ‘That’s so; and—and poor mamma’s got a headache, so I dare not scream,’