HUMOROUS.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 1130, 27 October 1893, Page 42

HUMOROUS.

SOME DEFINITIONS. "/■conscious Wit and Humor In Small Boys' Examination Papers. I began to collect from examination papers and answers in class whatever would throw new light on old subjects. I have been some years at it now and have pleasure in sending you the subjoined 12 extracts from my "gems," says Miss A. C. Graham in The University Correspondent. They are all bona fide answers, the spelling and punctuation being unchanged. In most cases I have still the original documents from which they are taken: Esau was a man who wrote fables, and who sold the copyright to a publisher for a bottle of potash. Titus was a Roman emperor, supposed to have written the "Epistle of the Hebrews." His other name was Oates. Oliver Cromwell was a man who was put Into prison for his interference in Ireland. When he was in prison he wrote "The Pilgrim's Progress" and married a lady called Mrs. O'Shea. Wolsey was a famous general who fought in the Crimean war, and who, after being decapitated several times, said to Cromwell, "Ah, if I had only served you as you have served me, I would not have been deserted in my old age." Wesley was the founder of the Wesleyan chapel, who was afterward called Lord Wellington. A monument was erected to him in Hyde park, but it has been taken down lately. Hamlet was weakminded. Fond of study. But was too weak to fulfill his duty which the ghost had told him. He was very good to his mother. He profanes madness, he really only puts it on, but some people say he was mad. One day when he was fighting, the king asked him if he would have something to drink and he had put poison in it and Hamlet said he would wait the queen, took it and then she falls down dead, Hamlet immediately stabes his father and.drinks the poison and dies. Explain the words fort and fortress. A fort is a place to put men in, and a fortress a place to put women in. The two chief volcanoes in Europe?_ Sodom and Gomorrah. . *'"V J, Exaggeration. John Fitzgerald is a hard headed, matter of fact boy who has just entered the high school. If you talk with him, you must be careful how you express yourself. The other evening his father was reading aloud a book of travels. The author was describing a Christmas which he passed in Australia. "It was a rather gloomy day," he wrote. "We had a good dinner and did our best to be merry, but it was hard to feel very jolly. We wore .S,OOO miles from home, and" **Whftt's.that?" interrupted Master John. "Ten thousand miles from home? Impossible! Why, the maximum diameter of the earth is only 8,000 miles."A Good Excuse.

Stfuire Pillham—Hillo, deacon! What air you doin in my henhouse? Deacon Pullefc—'Fore de Lord, sah, a case of necessity, sah. Ye see, sah, my wife, sah, am perry sick, sah, an de doctah, sah, proscribed poached aigs.jsah, an I'm jes* poachin a few aigs, sah.- ~"V- • An Incurable Case. A certain celebrated New York doctor is noted for his gruffness. Not long ago an elegantly dressed lady belonging to the Four Hundred called at his office. "What can I do for you?" asked Dr. Gruff, not looking up from his writing. "Sir, I am Mrs. Sturtevant Knickerbocker Van Astorbilt." "Do you want to be treated for it?"- • r On an Extensive Scale. Businesslike Yankee (in the near future) —Beg pardon for intruding, sir, but you are the governor of these islands, are you not? Territorial Governor of Hawaii—l am, sir. What can Ido for you? Businesslike Yankee—l notice one of yon* .volcanoes is smoking. Like to sell you_a down draft furnace for it, sir.-'*""'" Points of View. "So you really think that my having a cigar in my mouth id a bad habit, Maria?" •aid Mr. Hobson. "Why it's positively filthy," replied Mrs. Hobson emphatically as she bent over to kiss the little black_faee of her pet pus rz A Sure Cure. "Hello, Bingley! How did the doctor suo ceed in breaking up your fever?" Bingley—Oh, easy enough, he presented his bill, and I had a chill in 15 minutes.— Chicago Inter Ocean. ! St. Louis is the great market for car* airy horses and for mules.