Humorous.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 1037, 15 January 1892, Page 8

Humorous.

All that most men have in the world is what they are going to get. Customer—Have you embroidered nightshirts? Absent-minded Salesman — I never have ; have you ? You can’t estimate a man’s liberality by what he thinks you ought to give. It is the bee in the politician’s bonnet which causes honeyed words to flow from his lips. Heliogabalus—Teacher—How do you pronounce heliogabalus ? Boy—l hate to speak of him, sir ; he was such a monster. Teacher —What do we learn from the story about tho mau who was told to take up his bed and walk ? Dicky Hicks—We learn when folding bsdswere invented. A great man can disappoint his enemies most by dying, and so compelling them to hold their tongues out of obedience to the laws of public decency. Strong Measures—Converted Sal— Ave yer tried ’eaping coals of fire on ’is ’ead ? ]\l e g—No : I can’t exactly say as ’ow L ’ave ; but I’ve tried bilin’ water often. Maddox (waking from a nap) I must have been sound us’eep. Grazzam (yho has been annoyed at Maddox's snoring) You were. I heard the sound. ‘Are you at all acquainted with the works of Kant?’ asked the Boston girl. ‘Not very much,’ replied ihe Chicago youth. ‘I gu p ss the only book of his I ever read is “Don’t.” Wife : ‘ You dance a great deal better than you did before we wore married. Then you always tore my dress in dancing, but you don’t now.’ Husband: ‘Humph! Then I didn’t have to pay for it.’ Jack: ‘I love you.’ Maud : H> w nice!’ Jack: ‘But I am poor.’ Maud : ‘ How romantic !’ Jack : ‘ Yet I want you to be my wife.’ Maud : ‘How stupid . Her Adorer : * May I marry your daughter, sir?’ Her Father: ‘What do you want to marry for 1 You don t know when you’re well off.’ Her Adorer . No, perhaps not ; but I kuow when you’re well off;’ 0 .. . Examiner : Can you tell me anything about the Diet of Worms ? Pupil : Yes, sir ; it was what the Early Fathers used to eat.’ , Jack Tenter : ‘I don’t see why you keep me so long in suspense, Clara. Can t you say “Yes” or “No” right out! Clara Hooks: ‘ Oh 1 you just wait until we’re married, and you’ll find I can speak out quick enough !’ . The Wife: ‘Before we married you promised to let mamma come to visit us as often as she pleased.’ The Husband : ‘ Well, she has ceased to please.’ Edwin (a medical studem) to Angelina, reads from a medical paper as follows:, tlt is somewhat remarkable, that the mouth has been found to contain no less than twenty-two different varieties of bacteria, besides numerous other pat nogenic micro-organisms.’ The next time that Edwin offers to kiss her, she repulses him in the following terms :

Take, O take those lips away, Focus of infections ? Microbes and bacteria Swarm in all directions. Microscopes discover Twenty-two varieties, Hence away, fond lover, From my mouth 1 how dry it is ! Though with fond desire Passion’s self may fill us ; Think with kindling ire, Of the fell bacillus ! Or, if, prudence scorning, You approach the crater ; Take, O take, this warning ! Wear a respirator ! The Rev Rosy Babbleton (detecting Johnny stealing an orange from a sleeping applewoman) : ‘Ah, Johnny, Johnny, this is a little matter, but where will it end V Johnny (in an injured tone, bub dividing the orange): ‘That’s just it, there’s always somebody want 3 to stand in. There yer are ; but if you are a square cove, you will nick some nuts and (laying it down formally) :

‘Now,dear, once and for all, we are going to the Twinkleheim’s ball, and I will no have you flirting.’ She (with ddcolleld ideas of a wife’s duties) : * You are the first man that’s objected, and I shall please myself.’