Humorous.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 1030, 27 November 1891, Page 8

Humorous.

It is the man of sound judgment that knows when to keep still.

Marriage —For the average citizen marriage is a sentence for life, with hard labour. As long as there is one sin in the heart it is impossible to keep the door shut against others. The difference between a circus license and a poet’s license is often a mere matter of money. Many men take a rest as if they were taking something that didn’t belong to them. A great many women imagine -that they are flies and that all the men are spiders. Teacher—Johnny, give the name of the largest known diamond ? Johnny—The ace. No church is ready for a revival so long as the members are afraid of sitting too close together. A man’s reputation is what his friends say about him. His character is what his enemies say about him. Thousands of souls have been lost because somebody was afraid of doing something somebody else would find fault with. Feminine Amenities —May—l wouldn’t go down in a coal mine as you did for anything. Belle (swoetly)—Of course not, dear; but you’re not a minor, you know. A naturalist says some insects are in maturity thirty minutes after birth. They are like people who are converted to a new cause, the biggest when they are first born. A Fact with a Moral—lt is the idle moths and festive flies that burn their wings in the gas flame. The industrious and business-like mosquito never does.^ Schoolboy’s first experience of smoking —One sickerette—and he never could do another. O si sic omnes 1

MEM. IN COLOURS. Man’s life is, in two colours, simply told — Green while you’re young, and grey when

you are old. Hold on ! —You very often hear_ people speak of a story as one that 4 quite lays hold of you.’ Is that what is meant by a prehensile tail ? Oricketana —Young Ladies v Boys.— Fair Batter (netat. 18) — 1 Now, just look here, Algy Jones —none of your patronage I You dare to bowl to me with your loft hand again, and I’ll box your ears.’ The (European) World and its Wife. — Europe—says an oracle —is 4 wedded to peace.’ Possibly. And Europe, doubtless, does not exactly desire a divorce. But Europe has to pay pretty heavily—in armies and fleets, &c. —for Peace’s maintenance.

. A Howling S well. —Father —I hear from Alice that you were serenading her last evening. Cachou —Yes. Father— Well, I just came out to apologise for throwing that soap-dish at you. You see, I thought it ivas the dog. Did Jew Ever.—What class of girls are the sweetest you ever heard of, eh ? Why, Jewesses, of course. You can’t have anything much sweeter than molasses, can you ? A Curious Mistake.—-A well-known student of language fell into a very remarkable error the other day—he positively took a house for a term. Even So.—They say you cannot stay the flight of time. What nonsense ? Why, the biggest duffer we know called upon us the other day and stopped half an hour. Lost and Found. —A young lady, who became engaged last week, entirely lost her head. The missing article was subsequently found buried in her lover s breast. Repartee. —Celebrated lawyer travelling in Scotland —‘ My good man, can you tell me why you stand in that position with your hands in your pockets ? I haven’t seen you make a move all the morning.’ Sandy—‘ Aweel, ye ken it s bekase I hae na been far eno’ sooth ta pit my hands in onybody else’s.’ SLEEPING ON THE ROOF. Our literary editor was tarred and feathered last night:— liSsf” No paper will be issued from our office next week, as they used our ink for the tar and our only feather bed for the rest. We are now sleeping on the roof. AWKWARD ENOUGH. Brobson — 4 You look all broken up, old 1 man. "What* s the matter ? Craik — 4 1 called 'on Miss Pruyn last night, and no sooner had I entered the parlour than her mother appeared and demanded to know my intentions. Brobson— 4 That must have been rather embarrassing.’ Craik— 4 Yes, but that was not the worst. Just as the old lady finished speaking Miss Pruyn shouted down the stairs: 4 Mamma, mamma, he isn’t the one 1’

DESERVED HIS FATE. Justice (to prisoner)— 4 1 see you have a jug there. It that the whiskey that made you drunk ?’ Prisoner — 4 Yes, your honour.’ Justice —‘ Pass it liere. I’ll sample Bailiff— 4 Pass the jug to his honour.’ _ Justice (after a long pull)— 4 The prisoner gets twelve months on the chaingang. Any man who would get drunk on good whiskey like that, and run the risk of losing the jug, is irresponsible, and should h 9 care <?f. Clear the court!’