Mr and Mrs Bowser.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 1014, 7 August 1891, Page 10

Mr and Mrs Bowser.

One of Mr Bowsei’’s hobbies is the family medicine-chest, and the quack who wants to get his money has only to go to him with a Spring tonic, a Winter porons plaster, a Fall liver pad, or an eveiy-day cure for l-heumatism. There is at this moment, in a closet set apart in the Bowser mansion for that purpose, more sure cures for coughs, colds, influenza, hay-fever, catarrh, toothache, rheumatism, consumption, torpid liver, neuralgia, flatulency, general decline, yellow fever, small pox. cholera morbus, and pneumonia, than any New York hospital could use in a month. _ Mi's Bowser hasn’t seen all this stuff come into the house without a pi’otest, but protests have not been of the least avail. At the first word of reproach Mr Bowser would turn on her with : ‘ Mrs Bowser-, how many doctors and drug stores ai'e there in this connti’y ? ‘ I don’t know.’ <Of course you don’t. It isn’t your business to know. I do know, howevei', anti I’ll you that thei'o aie ovex 2,000,000 doctoi's —one to about every, thirty of our population. J ust think of that! There are also nearly two million drug stores, each one supported by about forty such people as you are.’ ‘ Well,’ she asked. < Well, it must follow that there is mighty little sense among the average people to run to a doctor every time anything gets out of kilter. Think of the money thrown away.’ c But nothing ever ails any of us but a headache,’she px’otested. < No, of course not. But why not ? Simply because I’m a prudent and farseein" man. I lock the stable before the horse is stolen. In other words, during the five years we have been married I have saved us from at least fifty fits of sickness, each one of which would have cost at least fifty dollars in cash.’

‘ Well, have you been getting anything to-day,’ she asked._ ‘ If so, you might as well throw it out of the window, fox* we don tneed it. } ‘ Don’t need it, Mrs Bowser —don t need it ?’ he echoed, as he stood up and waved a paper package aloft. ‘But we do need it 3 all of us need it, need it

bad. Do you know what season of the year this is ?’ ‘ Of course, it’s spi-ing.’ Well, what takes place in the spring ?’ ‘ Various things.’ ‘Yes, and one of them is a sort of collapse of the physical system. We loose flesh. We are spleeny. We are bilious and subject to chills. We ax - e in just that state fo invite a fever to seize upon us, and in nine cases out of ten it would be fatal. Is it prudence to tone up the systen, or to have a funeral in the house ?’

‘ What have you got there V she asked, avoiding a direct answer to his question. ‘ Roots, Mrs Bowser, roots ! Nature furnished man all the medicines needed when it caxxsed roots to grow in the same soil he ti'eads. Here is bui-dock, sassafras, sai'sapaxilla. sweetbxxd, blackberry, and two or three other kinds, each a specific in itself, all combined, a sure panacea for nearly all the ills human flesh is heir to.’ ‘ And you ai-e going to eat them—all of us must eat them?’ she anxiously asked. ‘ Wait and see,’ he replied, with a pomposity that quite settled hei’, and in due time she saw. After supper Mr Bowser took possession of the kitchen to make his root tonic. He put all the roots in the tea-kettle, started xxp a good fix’e, and at intervals of every five minutes he walked out to cool his face and to say to Mi-s Bowser : ‘ Doctoi-s 1 Drug Stores ! Faugh ! In a week from now you won’t know youi’self!’ After a couple of hours Mr Bowser poured off two quarts of dark liquid which gave out an odour similar to that of a ripe cucumber flung against the smoke-house door in August. Being alone in the kitchen at the time, he of course took down the x-oller-towel to sti'ain it through. He then added to the liquid half a pint of whisky, an ounce of cloves, one nutmeg, and half a pound of sugai’, and put the whole in an old fruit jax\ ‘ There—that’s off my mind !’ he said, as he returned to the sitting-room. ‘The dose, Mrs Bowser, will be one tablespoonful three times a day for you and half that for the baby.’ ‘ If we need it.’

‘lf you need it ! Do you suppose I’d go to all this trouble if we didn’t needdt? I saw the signs of collapse in your eyes ten days ago, and I may not be in time to save our child. The ignoi’anee and obstinacy of some women is amazing.’ She was interested in a book, and did not care to pursue the argument further, and nothing more was said about the tonic until bed-time. Then he went to the pantry and took a pretty hearty pull at it, and as he came out wiping off his chin, he said : ‘You can begin to-mori’ow morning. Lands ! but that is a tonic ! I really feel a year younger for that one dose.’ ‘Then you won’t need to bxxy any other kind.’

‘ Probably not, but I am the best judge of that. If you want to collapse like an old wash-txxb after six weeks of dry weather, that’s youi’ lookoxxt, but I propose to live as long as possible and to have the company of our child.’ She had her revenge sooner than could be hoped foi\ Mr Bowser had snored about ten times when his toes began to ci-ack. And a minute later he was clawing around with his legs, and when Mrs Bowser gave him a nudge to ax-ouse him from a supposed nightmare he sat up in bed and exclaimed : ‘ Lands ! but how queer I feel ! I’m numb all over ! M& Bowser, are you awake?’ ‘ Yes.’ ‘ Well, I’m afi-aid I’m going to be awfully sick.’ ‘ Nonsense ! That root tonic fixed you all right.’ ‘ I know it, but I’m getting an awful pain ! Say ! I’ve eaten or drunk something to poison me!’ ‘ It’s that decoction, Mr Bowser.’ ‘ You don’t think so!’ ‘ I’m sure of it.’ ‘ Then I’d better send for a doctor at once !’

‘ Do nothing of the kind. It will only make expense for nothing. You have 432 different bottles and boxes of remedies in the closet. Go down and take a specific for Spi'ing tonic poison.’ ITe half fell out of bed, lighted the night-lamp, and he was almost bent double as he made his way downstairs. Mrs Bowser followed him half way, knowing what was coming. She heard him clattering the bottles aroixnd for two or three minxites, and then, seem-

ing to hold one in either hand, he muttered :

‘ls this which, or is that which, or which in thunder is which ? It’s the fii-st time I ever needed any medicine in the night, and now I can’t tell a cxxre for hydi-ophobia from a remedy for fits, Mx’s Bowser.’ ‘ Well?’

‘ Come down here. I’m dying V. Look this old chemist shop over and find me something to cure these colicky pains !’ ‘ All I want is the mustai'd fi’om the pantry,’ she said 3 and in half an hourshe had him in bed and asleep again. Next nxoi*ning he was as blithe as if nothing had occuri-ed, but just befoi'ebreakfast, when she asked him if he’d foi'gotten his Spi'ing tonic, he turned on her with : ‘ Mrs Bowsei', conscience should have prevented you from ever mentioning those words again !’ ‘ How ?’ ‘ How ! Am I blind ? Can’t I put two and thx'ee together and make five ?’ ‘ Explain yourself. Your language is ambiguous !’ v ‘ I undei'stand all about the ambiguous business ! You were determined not to take that tonic. You alsomade up your mind that if I took it, it would be the worse for me. Any juxy in this land would convict you on the evidence !’ ‘ What evidence ?’

Never you mind ! Let your conscience answer for you. I may feel it my duty later on in the day to see a lawyer—see a lawyei’, Mrs Bowser—and if so I shall, of course, be guided by what he says !’—Deti'oit Fx-ee Press.