Humorous.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 999, 24 April 1891, Page 7

Humorous.

« Why do they call them ' fountain pens? ” •Oh, I suppose because they are forever overflowing.’ , Lady—Boy will you run after that car and stop it? D.M.8.—1 can’t ruD, mum ; Im a m NR s s^Flyaway—He’s a great cross country rider. Mias Frostique —Why, I think lie is a very pleasant gentleman. A striking countenance is no always an evidence of brains. Consider the William coat, for instance/ _ .. • How appropriately Miss Caustique is dressed!’ Why, in what way? ‘Her gown is made of moire antique. Teacher— Johnny Cresus, how is it you never have your grammar lesson? Johnny I expect to go into society when I grow up. ‘The calendar is getting mixed. Is not winter th« time for Bkating?’ * Yes. Aua yet it is in the fall season, too.’ , ‘But you have no ancestors, ye know, said his lordship. ‘No ’ replied Miss Lakeview. ‘We have the advantage of you there.’ ~ Harry—What would be more romantio, dearest, than love in a cottage? Dearest— Especially if it was a cottage at Newport. * We call the new boy who is distributing type ‘ Circumstances,’ ’ said the compositor * Why is that?’ * Because he alters cases. Tommy—Does your ma ever go throngn yonr pockets lookin’ for cigarettes? Jimmy Naw. She dont smoke the same kind as Clean shaver— 1 And a little powder, sir? Volunteer (whose thoughts are of things military)— ‘ Powder?’ No. Use the last up at the butts this afternoon !’ She— ‘ D’you appreciate the langnrge ot the stars?’ He (absently)—* Can’t Say I do. Bather see a good ballet, myself, yon know. A contempory informs us that ‘ Bald headed men are numerous in Berlin.’ Query —ls marriage a failure in the German Capital f ... Artist (to Irish model) — Keep still, O’Orady, and put on a smile,’ Model- I can't £orr. I’ve got a pound of three inch nails in the tail pocket of me coat, and 1 m sittin’ on the point of one of ’em.' _ ) Fond Wife - * You’ve been drinking again? John—‘No, m’love (hie).’ F.W. —‘Well, how do you account for your present condition?’ John— * I fancy I must have been (hie) hypnotised.’ Dnck'of a Wife— ‘ There, sir ! there s a charming button-hole for you 1 Now, I think you ought to give me just as much as yon would those forward girls at the florist s for it.’ The wretch—* All right, dneky—but I’ve just given you one kiss.’ (and then the band played). Batten—l understand that you have stopped boarding and gone to housekeeping. Where are you now ? Batten we are living with a servant girl. ‘Dr. Prairfull’s sermons never seem to deteriorate.’ * Why no ; that one we heard from him this morning is the same sermon I heard him preach ten years ago l _ • And now that we are engaged, Frederick, I only think it right to make a confession. I love onions.’ ‘ That’s all right Emiline. I smoke cigarettes, so we’re quits.’ He—What would you say, darling, if I should tell yon that yon can never be mine ? She—l would say, pet, that I’ve got a nice bundle of your letters that would help to make it expensive for you. Elder Goodman—Young man, I fear yon do not entertain the right views of life ; it is not all of life to eat and drink. Young Hiflyer—‘Well, I guess not ; I couldn’t live a day without my cigarettes. •What are the findings in the case ? inq aired a detective of the attorney in a burglary decision. * Mighty little that you had to do with,’ was the cruel reply, and the detective went to seek comfort, if possibly he might find it. . ... . A four-in-hand is worth two in the diton. New broughams wash clean. All’s swell as ends well. (Look at these ere boots !) No • smoke ’ without a light. What is sauce for the servants’ hall, is downright billsticker s paste in ‘ the room.’ The horse that’s been fired must be admired (if yon wish to sell him). . How many peas in a pint ? One p. When you bury animosity, don’t set up a headstone over its grave, Why is a Zaln belle like a prophet of old ? She has not much on’er in her own country. , A farmer is one who works the farm and an agriculturist is one who works the farmer. A lie will go along wav, but the sender usually has to pay the freight. WANTED KNOWN. Whether, from a dyspeptic point of view, cold pie has not it 3 points of resemblance with cold pie son ? Whether donkeys are cheap on the brays of Bonnie Doone 1 Whether the man who drinks too much Scotch whisky .can be properly spoken of as having a ‘ Highland fling?’ Whether one would not naturally expect the Boob of Numbers to be a Beiial publication ? NOT QUITE. As he entered the car at East Buffalo he saw at a glance there was one seat with a young lady in it and he marched straight down the aisle, deposited his grip and overcoat, sat down and familiarly observed : ‘I entirely forgot to ask your permission.’ * That’s of no consequence,’ she replied. * Thanks, Travelling alone, eh V • Almost, but not quite. My husband is in the smoker, my father and brother are in the seat back of us, and the two gentlemen across the aisle are my uncles. The conductor, who is a cousin of mine, has just gone forward, bat will return soon, and I will introduce you tc my aunt if you will go hack a few seats.’ ‘Aw ! aw ! I see ?’ gasped the man, and the floor of the car suddenly became so red hot that he picked up his baggage and his feet and lit out for the next one ahead.