Humorous.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 992, 6 March 1891, Page 7

Humorous.

A candidate may itch for office, but if his constituents scratch his name he does not get there. When we hear some people talk we regret that the Lord did not provide a man's ears with shutters. . An amateur singer may lose his friends, but he will never lose his voice. Watts ‘ Is your teacher a man or a woman?’ Tommy ‘Neither. He’s a dude. ■ If a man deliberately sets fire to his house with a wax candle, surely he is quite right if he ascribes it to (w)axident. Woman may indeed have a sphere that is boundless, but she has to stop when she comes to a barbed-wire fence. There can be nothing more discouraging to a man than the greatness and goodness of his enemy. Yon do not always get returns for your wisdom, but you always get big returns from your follies. The Usual Sign.— ‘ Don’t you want a sealskin, wifie dear?’ ‘Well, what deviltry have you been up to now ?’ Two Hearts with a Single Thought.— When a girl is in love she always thinks the young man is perfect, and he agrees with her. He (within the pearly gates).—l knew you would come to me, my own, my beloved. She (just arrived) —Yes, darling. Eh —how does my crown become me ? Dr Koch—‘l wear the grand cross of the Bed Eagle. I discovered the cure for consumption.’ American Traveller —‘ I wear diamonds. I discovered a new way of curing hams.’ Can Stand Experimenting.—Brown— ‘ I see by the papers that the latest is a cat doctor. Now his patients have some show.’ Mrs Brown —‘ How is that, my dear ?’ Brown — * Because they have nine lives.* Visitor (finding his host’s daughter at the piano) —‘That’s right, young lady; practice makes perfect.’ Host— ‘ Perfect Bedlam.’ Strive as we may, we never can Tell who are happy, who forlorn ; The cutest little shoe of tan May hide a very painful corn. ‘ He.’—So many women speak of their husbands as ‘ he.’ Why do they do it ? No man likes to know that in all his wife’s conversation his name is never mentioned; that he goes by the name of ‘ he.’ Proof Against Time.—She— ‘ They have discovered some wood in Egypt which is said to be 4000 years old. I wonder what kind it is ?’ He (imperturbably) ‘ Chestnut, of eourse.’ Win a mem’s friendship by telling him to-

day that he is the smartest one in his family, and you will have to tell him to-morrow that he is the smartest man in town and the next that he is the smartest man in the state. A Multiplied Vision.—‘Bronson made a tank of himself at the club last night.’ ‘ Didn’t he ? Why he drank so much that when a carriage went past he thought it was a funeral procession.’ Teacher —‘ Thomas, I saw you laugh just now. What were were you laughing about ?’ Tommy— ‘ I was just thinking about something.’ ‘ You have no busines thinking during school hours. Don’t let it occur again.’ Young Man —* Do you think, Mrs Brown, that your daughter Sallie would change her name for mine ?’ Mother —‘ Well, Mr Perkins, Sallie is a very impulsive girl, and I really don’t know what she might do under great provocation. A Mistaken Kindness.—‘ Minnie— ‘ I have borrowed another new novel from Aunt Dorcas. It has all the moral passages marked, as usual. She always does that with the books she lends me.’ Mamie— * How nice. You know at once just what to skip.’ Silversmith —‘ That teapot is for a member of Parliament. ‘ Isn't it a beauty ?’ Philosopher— * I think you have not made enough of one feature.’ Silversmith— ‘ What’s that V Philosopher— ‘ The spout.’ I ‘He is very haughty in his bearing, but I understand he has no money.’ ‘ But don’t you like to see a man have some natural dignity ?’ * Yes ; only its difficult sometimes to tell whether its dignity or a stiff neck.’ She —‘ You should introduce a little change in your style of dancing.’ He— ‘ How do you mean ?’ She —‘ You might occasionally step on my left foot; the right has had quite enough.’ ‘My object in calling this evening,’ he began, with a nervous tremble of his chin, ‘ was to ask ycu Katie—l may call you Katie, may I not?’ ‘Certainly, Mr Longripe,’ said the sweet young girl. ‘ All of papa's elderly friends calle me Katie.’ And he said nothing further about his object in calling. Mrs G-reyneck— ‘ Mr Greyneck, you make yourself intensely distasteful to me. There is not a thing that I say from morning till night that you do not contradict.’ Mr Greyneck— ‘ I know it, I know it. Little did my dear mother think how much trouble Bhe was preparing for me when she brought me up to tell the truth.’ Mamma —‘ Why, what in the world is the matter with Cousin Ned's moustache ? It has turned all the colours of the rainbow.’ Mabel (blushing)— ‘ Well, mamma, you see he was in the cloak room when I went in to develop my pictures this morning, and—and he ought to have known better, when I had the acid in my hand. SAM TVEIiIEEISMS. ‘ Better luck next time !’ as the bridegroom said when he discovered his wife had a wooden leg. ‘ Better look next time,’ said the merchant when he broke the lock of his safe in opening it. ‘ I’m completely stumped!’ as the man said when he left the hospital with a pair of wooden legs. ‘ Pray, let us drop the subject 1’ as the bangman eaid to the chaplain at an execution.