NOTES.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 957, 4 July 1890, Page 17

NOTES.

“ The earth hath bubbles, as the water has, And these are of them, ’ —Shakespeare. That the seventh annual meeting outlie Wellington Woollen Compauy, took place on the evening of thsu2sth Hit., should have been ail sunshine and smiles, instead of storm clouds and bitterness, is a fact worthy ,>f note. Its indirect reflection on the community at large is a bright one, tending to engender hope and confidence. Has the day really dawned when Wellington is to be loyal to itself and its enterprises ? If so it is the birth of a new and prosperous era.

Nothing could have been more in keeping with the occasion than the Hon John Martin’s suggestion that a LIOO bonus should be voted to each of the Directors. The Hon John is nothiug if he is not lavish, even though it be only in white waistcoats and floral button-holes.

But the shareholders did not see it 1 It’s so awkward, you know, when the sentimental is brought face to face with the practical. Sentimental is one thing, one hundred pounds sterling is quite another matter. Both are current coinage, only one Colonial Robert in the hand happens to be worth more than a hundred pounds of “sentiment ” —in the bush or anywhere else !

Mr G. Beetham, M H.R., newlyelected after a year’s absence from lii.3 duties, was present at the Education Board’s meeting on the 25th ult. He had been so long away that he got mixed a litcie ns to his whereabouts, and walked up to Mr J. R. Blair, the Chairman, to be sworn in ! That’s how the story reaches U 3, anyway.

The average intellectual outsider—of course the average intellectual must ni t be looked for on the Board itself—is consumed with wonder why such a very simple question of equity as the Teachers’ Association’s application that teachers might be given a memo, containing a reason for dismissal from the Board’s service, was first of all opposed and thm shelved ?

Surely any employd has an undoubted right to know why he is deprived of hia employment. If any member’s seat on the Board was suddenly declared vacant, would not that member want to know the why and the wherefore ?

Should the frivolous retort that if a member’s seat was vacant, ho would of course have no foundation to go upon, we simply reply this is a serious matter—for the teaclier3 and airy persiflage is out of place.

Probably Mr Bunny hit tho truth in a sense he did not altogether intend when, in opposing the application, lie said that the granting thereof would “ lead to all kinds of trouble !’’

The Wairarapa members of the Board are notorious for their energy and activity in education matters—just before an election. Mr Buchanan, on Wednesday pleaded the cause of a faulty school chimney. It was facetiously suggested that Mr Buchanan should himself go up that chimney and do what was uecessary.

We can imagine the lion member for Wairarapa South addressing the bucolic electors of that country school district from the summit of that faulty chimney, and in this way distancing all possible other candidates. Naturally the electors would say that Mr Buchanan was preeminently sooted for the position he was so energetically set king, and that the fltseenev of his remarks had won their suffrages, even though tbe stand lie took was Ml og-stive of hia pledges ending in smoke.

A c respondent who ?aw a consulerab'it amount olservie in tbe Maori tr ouLiss writes to us as follows :—“ O -e fearfully siormy night, in the month of July, I l»y a-vaka in my t-nt listening to the uproar, and alarmed, for I thought the tents would he blown away. Then I heard the voices of the sentries crying out : ‘ No. 1, all’s well ;' ‘ No. 2, all’s well ‘No. 3. ali’a well.’ These three were in a sheltered position, but No. 4 was on duty on the summit of a rise, exposed to the full blast, not a toi-*oi or a fl.ixbush to afford the slightest shelter.

Presently came his cry, given in a howl of rage and suffering:—‘No. 4, all’s infernally d d bad ; ’ and I agreed with him.”

Our warrior correspondent goes on to “liken the cry of the present Government and the state of the country t* these sentries, the latter being represented by sentry No. 4, of course.” Well, we’re not responsible for our correspondent's opinio!!, but we would say to this tried defender of our country, “T.ke heart of grace, old man ! It is always darkest before the dawn, and any alteration must bo lor the bettor.”

Weall know the Union Steam Ship Company christen their boats by the Maori names of our lakes, but they have been beguiled into a peculiar complication with

fegard to the nomenclature of their last steamer. When Mr McKerrow, now Uailway Commissioner, was in charge of the surveys of the Lake district, many lakes had no names, and he named them after fanciful Maori appellations till he got to the end of his sentimental tether. The uexfc lake to hand had but one river flowing into it; “ wai ”is Maori for water or river, “ mono ” is Greek for one ; he therefore called the lake “Monowai,” one river,” and so the imperishable language of Homer is blended with that of Titokowaru in the name of a New Zealand hvke and steamer !

The new Bishop of Sydney, Canon Sanmarez Smith, ia reported to be arranging '■ for the disposal of his children” prior to leaving for New South Wales. How does that strike you ?

When Bishop Smith—Great Scott ! bnly fancy Bishop Smith !—has solved the problem of what to do with his boys or girls, or both, as the case may be, perhaps he will give a host of suffering parents the benefit of his superior knowledge.

But how about the children ? Happy offspring ! They, at least, if only for a time, will have no such dread, as was felt by the captive rebel Sepoy in the Indian Mutiny, of being blown up from the Canon’s mouth !

The Rimutaba left for London on Saturday, and round many a Wellington fireside good wishes for a pleasant passage Homeward will be uttered. Her genial captain is a universal favourite. What Captain Conion is to the Orient service, Captain Carey to the Union service, Captain Greenstreet is to the New Zealand Shipping Company’s service. They are the commodores of their respective fleets, and are the guides, philosophers, and friends of ladies travailing alone. Captain Greenstreet prides himself on his punctuality. Apropos of this a stoty is told. He met some ladies in London and arranged to dine with them in Now Zealand on a certain day months hence. The day arrived, but no Rimutaka, no Captain Greenstreet. The family sat down to dinner, the covers were removed, Wuen lii ue Walked looking fresh auu cool as the writer has seen him look in a hurricane off Cape Horn.

It was the other day we had occasion Somewhere in our columns to hint at the socialistic tendencies of certain members of the Ministry. These tendencies culminate in the opinion that the State should control everything, a la the Bellamy scheme.

It would appear as if we were being gradually educated up to that state of perfection. A local contemporary we notice advertises : “ A House to let. Apply, so and so, Government Buildings.”

We trust the new House agency will be a success, of coarse, but is it a delicate hint that ceitain candidates at the coming general elections will receive Government assistance ?

Bishop Julius wants to know how the Church people can expect their young clergymen to be fitted for the work of saving souls, when from the first moment of their ordination they are sent oat to fight church restries for a stipend to keep body and soul together. They could not expect to train a shoemaker like that. But the diflereuce is this : The shoemaker sticks to his last, the young clergyman does n’t! He does not even stick to his latest!

A Wa'rarapa exchange says :—“ Messrs Rutherford Bros, invite tenders for stufnping at South Carterton.” This is a free advertisement, we know, hut seeing the opening it offers to a number of windy politicians now in our midst, we cmnot withhold it.

The Palmerston people must he very peculiar folk, with ail due respect, to them, of course. One of th* ir local papers anys that complaints are rife b.cause the fireball is inaudible !

Footballers will be interested to learn that their Master ton confreres, who recently toured the Msnawatu district, have since been in a state of “tuberosity.” It is one of the local papers which chronicles this physiological fact, and we there fore presume it is not libellous. However, what else can be expected from a game in which the players are so often knobbled.

Mr J. B. Heywood, Accountant to the Treasury, and Mrs Heywood, whose hospitality and good nature are proverbial even among a very hospitably inclined community, celebrated their silvern wedding on Saturday. To the host of good wishes they received on the occasion we desire to add our own.

It is one thing, of course, to have safely weathered, in company with the partner of one’s joys and sorrows, the barometrical changes experienced during twenty-five years of married life, and to have reached the silvern epoch of the conjugal state : It is altogether another affair to have done so, and to have gained and reteineo. during that period the golden opinions of those with whom one has been brought in social contact.

That Mr and Mrs Hey wood have achieved this latter enviable position was amply evidenced by the hearty congratulations they received on all sides, by the beautiful and valuable presents ine.de them, and by the happy gathering of their numerous friends at their residence to celebrate the auspicious event. *

Private theatricals and au impromptu dance kept the fun going until close on midnight, and everybody hugely enjoyed himself or herself. “ Borrowed Pluums ” and “ The Little Sautinel” were the pieces performed, Mrs Heywood, the Misses Heywood, and Messrs H. M. Heywood, T. G. Fraser, and J. P. Stevenson enacting the respective characters with considerable ability.

Mr Christie Murray, the distinguished novelist, passed through here the other day. “ Whither bound 1 ’ inquired a member of the Times staff. “ I’m going to winter it at Lake Te Anau,” replied Mr Murray.

Just fancy the genial Murray among the ice and snows of picturesque Te Anau? How horribly cold he will be, but what possibilities it opens up of new literary work from his facile pen !

Is it too much to picture him, just entered from his matutinal bath, warming his numbed fingers at the grateful log fire, preparatory ;o udding some'characteristic touches to his latest poem, entitled —“ Waimakariri, or how the shower came down at Te Anau.”

May we not also exnect another drama to be evolved from his fertile brain as his useless digits suggest the idea of “ Thumbs !”

On Saturday night wo were regaled with Orpheus glees and tobacco smoke at the Exchange Hall. The mixture was full-flavoured and delicious, and Mr Robert Parker and the members of the Orpheus Glee Club are conferring a liberal (musical) education on the public if the latter only knew it.

We might suggest, however, that, the singers would score very much more heavily if they paid the same attention lv o.cai enunciation as they do to musical light and shade. “ Banish, oh maiden ” was one of the glee gems of Saturday night’s concert, but the refrain thereof puzzled us for a time. What we made out of it was—

11 Kiss me love, kiss me, kiss me to-day, Onions to-morrow, so kiss me to-day.”

A glance at a borrowed programme showed us these were not the exact words, but half the pleasure is gone if one has to follow a song on a programme.

A correspondent desires to draw the attention of the City Council “ to the main thoroughfare from the Railway Station between Mifigravo street and Moles worth street.” This little section, he says, seems lo be reserved for a rubbish depo\ We hud better give his own words.

“There is about half an acre of grass, and on this people deposit loads of old broken bricks, iron, and other more offensive rubbish, and the roadway is full of deep ruts, where you plunge over the shoe-tops in wet weather.”

As the locality referred to is the high road to the niiway station, and lienee the first thoroughfare the visitor to this city by train has experience of, such a state of affairs must be prejudicial to its best interests. No doubt the City Council will attend to the matter at once-.

Another correspondent, writing under the nom de plume “Judex,” takes exceDtion to the Chairman of the Harbour Board refusing to admit reporters when a deputation w ited upon him re his decision on teuders for wool press. “Let us have,” he says, “no hole and corner work in dealing with public moneys.”

That is a contention all fair and reasonable ci izeus will uphold, and no one more so th ui the Coairman of the Harbour Board, who, doubtless, had , excellent reasons for the course he took on the occasion referr. d to. Honi soit qui mal y pense ! “ Judex ” will himself see that the matter under discussion was a tender subject, and newspaper fellows are always de trop on such occasions.

The lato Bishop Parry is said to have undermined his health by becoming a total abstainer about twenty years ago !

This is terrible news for our temperance friends, anci wa sincerely trust that there will not be any serious exodus from the ranks of the temperance societies. After all it only bears out what we have always maintained on this and kindred physiological questions : “What’s one man’s meat is another man’s poison ! ”

The p .culiar reflection, iiow« v>r, is that the late lamented and worthy prelate should by voluntary abstinence from alcohol become accessory to his own death, and, therefore, guilty of Parrycide 1

It will he welcome news io any of our readers who may happen to be abnormal y stout that surgical science is now prepared, to pare them after the fashion of a potato or an apple. The French term for the

operation Is degraisaage, and it consists in the removal of slices of adipose tissue. A literary man in Paris lately had 4slb of fat removed in this way. Literary men out here do not gut us fat as that somehow !

We were talking the other day of this practical age destroying old and cherished illusions. Here’s another one rudely dissipated. There has lately been placed in the museum at Pompeii a plaster cast of the impression of a tree, with foliage and fruit, taken from au impression made in a stratum of ashes outside the Stabian Gate.

Tho tree lias been found to be the Laurua nobilis, and as the impression found shows the fruit to have been ripe, it is evident the destruction of Pompeii did not occur in August, as generally believed, but in November !

At a tea-fight, or a presentation of prizes, or something, In Dunedin the other day a Mr Bain said that it was very nice for a young lady to be able to abstract the cube root, but to be able to darn a stocking went a great deal further in the direction of making a good wife and mother.

Bravo ! Mr Bain 1 Good, sound, wholesome advice that to the future matrons of Greater Britain. Take it, young ladies, and make yourselves adepts in all household and domestic arts, together with the accomplishments that adorn the home, and leave the men to datn the cube root, instead of using profane language because they cannot abstract toes from holes in their socks !

An exchange records that a prisoner, under committal for vagrancy iu the New Plymouth gaol, was found to be making a rope with which to hang himself. He is thought to be insane.

We do not know whether this unfortunate’s being a prisoner alters the case, but it is a fact that quite a number of people in this world are daily “ making a rope with which to hang themselves,” and they bear a reputation for exceeding smartness and ability—until th6y are found out!

Here’s a good story from a Napier paper :—“ Even an Inspector of Schools doesn’t know everything. At the conversazione at the Athenceum last evening Mr lliil, referring to the departure of Mr Hamilton to Otago, said, ‘Twelve years have gone by since he and 1 first met, and since that time we have been very old friends, like Absolom and—’ the speaker paused, ‘ And t’other fellow ’ mildly suggested Mr Hamilton. The Inspector couldn’t for the moment think who the ‘other fellow’ of the Scripture was, and the Bishop of Waiapu interpolated, ‘ This is the remit of secalar education.’ The, meeting roared with laughter, which did not subside until the Inspector excised his mistake, and said his Bible history was evidently getting rusty, but he meant David and Jonathau. ’

A bankrupt met his creditors the other day in an Official Assignee’s office. The creditors were quit 9 jovial over their and the debtor’s position, and allowed tho latter was a perfectly justifiable alternative under the circumstances. They were quite unanimous that an examination was unnecessary.

Then up spake the debtor :—“ Boys,” said he, “I have no offer to make at present, but if ever I make a rise I’ll pay you 10j in the pound 1 ”

A littlo thing like this amuses us ! There is a delicious taste of the Blarney Stone about tjhat “If ever I make a rise!” We are reminded insensibly of certain companies, which have to pay' *o the State or public bodies a share of all profiis over 8 per cent, for example.

Business may be brisk and prospects good, but r somehow those, companies never clear over that 8 per c£iit. There is such a faci'ity for writing off, you know. For all that we hope the debtor in question may make a rise sufficient to pay his creditors not 10s but 209 in the pound. It is a i>ity New Z. aland citnnot deal with the public credit >r on the same terms.

The public galieiies of (he House, as was expected, were full on Tuesday night, when tho opening scenes of the great battle between the Ins aud the Oats were to be looked for. Of course, the ladies’ gallery was numerously patronised, for the fair sex scent a wordy battle from afar, being' themselves partial to that species of pastime, and auy hints they can obtain, even from the sterner sex, on this head may come in useful. *"■

WVhave always wondered, apart from this view of the matter, what attraction there was to ladies in the proceedings of Parliament, Of course they do not go th-ro to do fancy work, and, as nearly t.ie same -•ccupauts may bo seen nightly in the gallery, they do not go theie. at any rale more than the once, to examine each other’s millinery. It was exDlained to us the other day, however, that they go ...cre ss a silent auu solemn protest against being excluded from Parliamentary privileges.

are exceedingly astule critics, t||pp ladiesj, a%d their untrammelled opinion is that oub RoffroHentativo Inati« *

tution would be conducted on much higher lines as to quality and tone of its procedure if some of its members wire of their sex. “ Let us have no shams,” they say ; “ turn out the male old women you now have in the House, arid replace them by the young and vigorous genuine article!” Well, that is a fair proposal, and Sir John Hall intends to do his best to bring it about by extending the suffrage to the female portion of the community,

Should he succeed and ladies take their seats in Pailiaraent, what an exceedingly delicate and trying position Mr Speaker will be placed in ! Not that Sir Maurice would be unequal to the occasion,—oh, dear no!

To hark back, however, to the great battle which is approaching : We understand that hon members are girding up their loins for the fray, and that there is a horrible possibility of the debate lasting for three weeks !

Apropos of this we are reminded of something we read in an exchange recently. It was to this effect:—lt used to be the custom with the Belgian Parliament to supply not only the members but the reporters in the gallery with brandy and water ad libitum. Every member habitually spoke with a glass of brandy and water beside him, and when he had finished it au attendant brought another.

Several pressmen who are interested are very anxious to know if, in view of a three weeks’ debate as suggested, there is any chance of refreshments being supplied after the Belgi n method. There are even hon members to whom some such course would be very acceptable.

But what would Mr Hobbs or Mr Goldie say? And this reminds us that a statement is being circulated abroad, and much dwelt upon by our Good Templar friends, that it costs L 161.000 less now than it did seven years ago to supply the New Zealand colonists with alcoholic liquors.

We do hope we are not about to shake the faith of these well-meaning people in any way, but they reaily must not think that the financial difference is caused by less drinking habits on the part of the masses. It is not so, at least to that extent. It is the quality of tho liquor sold which has depreciated to the amount named. Horrible thought, i 3 it not ?

By the-bye, the native of the Emerald Isle is supposed to have a monopoly of those amusing verbal or written blunders known as “ bulls.” How about the fo lowing :It was a Scotchwoman who said that the butcher of her town only killed half a beast at a time. It was a Dutchman who said that a pig had no marks on its ears except a short tail. It was a British magistrate who, on being told by a vagabond that ho was not married, responded, “Th it’s a good thing fur your wife.” It was an American lecturer who solemnly said one evening, “Parents, you may have children ; or, if not, ymir daughters may have.”

We doubt if there was ever a more satirical comment on the manner in which the ordinary business of the small trader in this colony is conducted than the following The book dibs in three Gisborne bankruptcies, put down at, £2525, were submitted at auction recently and realised only £2 10s.

The new Bishop of Christchurch is visiting his district. The other day it would appear as though he found himself in a warm place. At any rate we read that the chairman of the meeting convened in the Prelate’s honor “heartily welcomed the Bishop to the Oust!”

He was a person of gentlemanly address, good presence, soft of speech and voice, and when he called at our office and requested to. see the proprietor, he had audience straight away. He took a chair, and opened fire with sincere congratulations on the improved appearance of this journal, expressing the hope that its success would equal its merits.

When he spoke of himself a 3 an old journalist of lengthened and varied experience our heart went out to Idm. hut, when he offered us, free gratis for nothing the benefit of his great literary ability and journalistic knowledge, then we felt in all our pockets prenaratory to requesting him to do ua the honor to take sometning, short or long as his inclination prompted.

Unfortunately we only fingered a threepenny bit, so we put aside liberality iu favour of courtesy, and assured him that we had any number of vacancies on our staff for experienced journalists who would give their services for nothing, asking him at the same time to choose the position which he thought lie would fill with greatest benefit to the paper and least discomfort to liimsolf

His sympathies were with us, he said, and there was nothing lie could have liked better than to devote his days to us gratuitously, but a cruel Fate opposed. “And now,” he said, “to business ! I am an Insurance Agent, and I want to take your life !”

It was at ©Bee apparent to hiat from

the deadly look of wrath which darkened our usual genial countenance that the want was at any rate reciprocated, with the difference that we should probably take first deal. “Yon see,” he hastened to add, by way of averting his impending doom, “ the work you are doing, the task you have set yourselves, is more than one man cau get through. You cannot stand it. It will kill you before long !”

We rose to slay him in his tracks but he had fled precipitately,“ieaving bei hind him only ,! an insurance pamphlet with the singularly appropriate title ; “Do not delay !” However, as we want a nice gentlomanly young fellow as canvasser for this paper, if that insurance agent keeps his eyes open he will probab y ere long find in our “wanted” column something to his advantage.

The ladies of, course, were in full force in their special gallery in the House on Tjesday evening. Mr W. P. Reeves warmed them up a bit, but poor Mr Ballance was voted altogether too-too quiet and courteous under the circnmstauces. A story is circulating to the effect that a determined-looking matron forming one of the fair audience said to her neighbour :—“ Do I understand that that° ia the Leader of the Opposition, and that he is attacking the Government ?” Being answered in tho affirmative, she ejaculated : “ Bless me ! He’s taking it very easy ! You should just hear me when I’m going for my old man !”

No doubt many ladies were prevented from being present that evening by the duty of attending the “ social ” in connection with St Peter’s parish. It.ispleasing to record that the annual gathering was very successful this year. The new incumbent, the Rev W. 0. Waters, must have heartily appreciated the compliment, and he as richly deserved it.

We cordially join with him in the views he expressed as to the benefits derivable from these social reunions of church people. It is to be hoped that they will lend, at least in church work, to break down tho terrible class barriers which so mock our vaunted Ohristianiiy. We heard recently of an aristocratic member of a congregation, a regular churchgoer, who absolutely refused to put a stiver in the collection bag because, consequent upon some vestry changes, “it was taken round by a beast of a shopman, don’tchtrknow !”

The moral which adorns that unfortunate touch of human nature applies, we regret to say, in a measure, even to certain of the salt of the earth who constitute a part of church congregations iu this Colony. The social gatherings such as that presided over by the Rev W. C. Waters on Tuesday night should at least teach that -in. the race for doing good all mortals toe tho line, and that mutual help and encouragement will alone enable the competitors to go the distance without falling by the wayside. .

And while the St. Peter’s folk were enjoying themselves in their way, there was another little social entertainment going on at the other end of the city, which was distinctly in the direction of that mutual help we have alluded to. It was an unpretentious little affair, well managed, a thorough success, and decidedly creditable to those who promoted it. We allnde to the concert »nd dance given at the Alhambra Hall in aid of the tramway employes who are out on striko and have not yet secured work.

Without passing any opinion on the merits of that strike, we may at any late eay that it ia a wholesome sign to see the people at any time animated with the philanthropic desire to help’their fellows who have fallen upon bad times. We chanced to drop into the Alhambra Hall during the small hours of Wednesday morning, and it was a pleasure to see tne hearty manper in which some thirty couples were tripping’ it ’merrily to the strains of a very excellent quadrille band.

Our reception was of the kindliest, and we were invited to join the mazy throng, but declined on principle. There was an ill-fated day many years ago. when we allowed ourselves to be seduce! into trying a waltz with a lady acquaintance. It had always appeared to us up to that time that, the wal z was intended to bring obis r together two hearts that beat as one, &c. That, however, was evidently a mistake, for after a half-turn round the ballroom our partner elected to sit the rest of the dance out, on the ground that wo “held her too tight!’’ Wehave never danced since !

Apropos, however, of tho tramway strike, and unionist tactics generally, wo venture to clip from Punch the following clever verse, because the excellent caution it gives applies with equal force to the Colony as i Great Britain, and because, as Punch not much read by the bulk of colunis'S, the lines are so good as to be worth the reading :

MIND HOW YOU SHOOT ! f (Mr Punch's Friendly Tip to the Strikers.) H 7

“ All of a row. Bend the bow, Shoot at the pigeon and kill —the crow ! ’ So goes the old doggerel. Labour tako heed ! For a moral for you may be found in this ; screed. All of a row, you may freely combine, # v And bend Union’s bow, and shoot all in a tins.. But, bowmen, beware test you shoot in the.st .dark $ Of impetuous passion, and hit the wrong mark. Combination is good; and, to better your lob

A rational Strike may be called a “good shot.” But to blaze out all round, or to shoot the wrong bird, May prove to be something much worse than absurd. Against the Monopoly pigeon arrayed, All of a row You may bend the bow, But mind you don’t wing t’ other bird.—British Trade ! If to make wages high you sound Commerce bring low, You’ll have “shot at the pigeon and killed the crow! ’•

Having regard to the lamentable prevalence of the dreaded typhoid in this city, the following extract from a Home paper may bo of special interest :—“ M. Chamberlain, the ‘ collaborator ’ of M. Pasteur, assisted by MM. Cadeac and Meanier, it is reported, has just completed experiments to show that the essence of cinnamon destroys the bacilli of typhoid fever in twelve hours. The same preparation diffused in living rooms would be equally efficacious in the destruction of morbid germs.”

While we are doing our best here to foster a pauper class by too liberal charitable aid legislation and relief, it is as well to realise by the experience of older countries what autocrats we are creating to our own future confusion.

An English exchange records the fact that at Coventry the inmates of the workhouse have struck against the use of tinned mutton, which they call “ Kangaroo.” The guardians therefore contemplate substituting New Zealand fr< zeu mutton for tinned meat.

Naturally this is all in favour of the New Zealand frozen meat trad'*. But on the principle of things happening by contraries, in a not distant future may not New Zealand paupers strike against New Zealand mutton and insist on the importation of American tinned meat ! But, anyhow, just fancy the inmates of a workhouse dictating to the guardians thereof what shall be the daily menu !

Most assuredly the unconscious humorist stalks rampant amid the columns of the ordinary newspaper press. In a township somewhere up North there had arrived an imported hearse of excellent build and splendid appointments. The reporter on the local paper concludes a eulogis’ic par. there anent with the following unique senteuce : “One cannot hope there will be plenty of work for it; still, enterprise in any shape deserves public patronage !’’

The Hawkes Bay Rugby Union must be a singularly astute and wise body'. They have just solemnly passed a resolution “affirming that an umpire should be a thoroughly impartial official, and not a partisan of either side.” We cannot say how long the Hawkes Bay Solomons have been in coming to this conclusion, but the inference, at any rate, is that up to the present the Hawkes Bay umpires have been partial to the local players. Perhaps our footballers here will be interested to get this confirmation of possible suspicions on that head.

A most peculiar departure was taken v by some sneak thieves in Wanganui the other night. Usually this intelligent and careful class of the unemployed confine their indiscriminate attentions to tie clothes line, but on the occasion referred to they trie 1 another sort of line. They helped themselves to several swarms of bees from a private garden. They got off with their pluuder, but private advices statu they are still soliloquising whether it were better to suffer the stings and swellings of outrageous fortune, or to stick to shirts and linen generally.