QUIPS AND CRANKS.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 957, 4 July 1890, Page 6

QUIPS AND CRANKS.

AN LL.D. Considerable amusement was created in a Scotch police-conrfc when a sweep, while about to give evidence in a casn of assault, was asked his name, and replied, ‘Dr Thomas Macleod.’ ‘Doctor;’ ejaculated the sheriff: ‘doctor of what ?' ‘I dinna ken, ’ the begrimed individual answered, ‘ but I’m what they call an LL.D, ; and that, folks say, is ruuckle the same thing.’ ‘ Well,’ asked the Court, scarcely able to maintain its gravity, ‘how did you acquire such a distinguished academical honour V * Weel, sir, it w:-s like this. A Yankee chiel that was avert- for yin o’ the colleges in his ain country, c*m’ ta bide hereabout wi’ his family for the summer, I soopit his three lums thrice, but deil a bawbee could I get oot o’ him. Ae day I yokit sair at the cratur for the siiler, an’ says he, ** Weel, Tammas, I’ll make an LL.D. o’ ye, an’ that wall pit us even.’’ I just took him at his offer, as there seemed tae be naetbing else for’t. I’ve gotten my diplomay framed at hame. and I can tell ye, sir, a bonny picture it mak’s.’ SOCIAL ECONOMY. , Mrs Scrooge: ‘l’m writing to ask the Browns to meet the Joneses here at dinner, and to the Joneses to meet the Browns We owe them both, you know.-’ Mr Scrooge : * Bnt I’ve heard they’ve just quarrelled, and don’t speak !’ Mrs Scrooge ; ‘ T know. They'll refuse, and we needn’t give a dinnerparty at all ?’—Punch. TIT F-»R TAT. Captain Pullem (having just, effected a ‘swop’ with his *riend): ‘ N"W, I’ll be straight with yon, old mao. That horse you’ve got from me is a hi - f a crih-bUer !’ Friend : ‘ Oh, don't mention it. old chap. You’ll find mine to be a confii uietl runaway !’—Punch. AT THE ‘ZOO.’ Arabella : ‘ Oh, Aug——-Mr Brown, let's go to the apeiary. I think the monkeys are such fun !’ (He did not propose that afternoon.) Punch. NO SUPPOSITION. ’You will notice,’said tfcc manager of the company as he stepped before the curtain, 4 that the programme says that seven years are siipjJt&vd to elapse between the second and

third acta. In this case, there will be no sup* Eosition about it. The sheriff of this county as just taken possession of the stage, and I think it will be about seven years before we get the matter settled. The audience is now- dismissed.’ '