QUIPS AND CRANKS.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 951, 23 May 1890, Page 6

QUIPS AND CRANKS.

TH vT BENEFICENT BRITISH RULE. ‘ Few of us in England are acquainted with whiskyassnppliedtotheHindoo Nevertheless, this very week one thousaud oases of this refreshing beverage have lett the port of London for Hindostan, the price per case of a dozen bottles being only 9s.’— Globe ] ‘ What iniquities all those nationalities which are not British,’ said John Bull, ‘ perpetrate upon tho Aborigines who have the misfortune to be under their power. Look at the Boer, for instance ! Now, our merciful British rule, on the other hand ’ • Oullo ! excuse my interrupting you, but what’s that?’ said Mr. Fun. ‘Eh? Why, dear me !’ said Mr. Bull, * just like the blundering idiots, to leave it about for people to see. But it’s all right, Mr. Fun. Tell you what—l’ll send out missionaries to persuade the Hindoos not to touch the stuff —after I’ve sold it to ’em.’

HAPPY THOUGHT. * Oh, I say, old man, I wish you’d run upstairs and hunt for my aunt, and bring her down to supper. She’s an old lady, in a red body, and a green skirt, and a blue and yellow train, with an orange bird of paradise in her cap. You oan’t possibly mistake lier. Say I sent you.’ ‘Awfully sorry, old man, but—a—- ’in totally colour-blind you know. Just been tested i’ Exit in a hurry,— Punch. '

RUSTIC POLITENESS. Squire Roadster : * Where are the hounds, my man?’ Yokel: on with yer! Dou’t knaw wheer the ’ounds be, and got a red coat and a big ’oss ! Yer oughter be ashamed of yeraelf !’—Punch.

THE JOINTS OF HIS ARMOUR. Justice Draco : * Why did yon beat your neighbour’s dog ?’ Hardened Offender : ‘ Because his children called me names, threw stoDes at me, and broke two of my windows.’ Justice Draco : ‘But the poor dog had nothing to do with all this ?’ Hardened Offender (who is not so foolish as he is bad) : * No, your honour, the dog wasn’t in it at all ; I just beat him to break up the man. He’s a member of the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals ; he wouldn’t notice it if I scalped his o ildrCD, but he laid awane and cried all night when they told him I’d bit the dog with a clothes-prop. I’ll make that man govern his family better or I’ll break his heart.’

HONEST PRIDE ! Mrs. Slattery (to her servant) : ‘ Come right in here, Mary, and eat yonr supper with the family.’ Mary : ‘ No, thank’ce, mam ; I only came here to earn my wages not to be looked down on.’—Puck,

A WOMAN'S REASON, Cousin Jack i ‘ 'Then why did ydu marry him, Effie : ‘Oh, well—l wanted to see ihe Paris Exhibition, you know !’—Punch.