The Lime-Kiln Club.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 937, 14 February 1890, Page 9

The Lime-Kiln Club.

As the meeting opened in due form, Brother Gardner called for the report of the chairman of the committee on medical science, and that individual reported as follows on further tests of the Brown* Sequard elixir of life : 6. The sixth test was made on Judge Uncomfortable Jackson, and of his own free will. This brother was not named until he was 15 years old, and the name is a very appropriate one. He was never comfortable a moment in his life, aud his demeanour gave outsiders the idea that he had picked up a carpet tack as he sat down. Four ounces of elixir taken from a squint-eyed lamb was injected into his right arm, and he was sent out to walk around for half an-hour. When he returned all the wrinkles had disappeared from his brow, he had a grin of contentment on his face, and lie wanted to sit down on two chairs and stay there all day. The judge has only had one dose, but there seems to be no danger of a return to his old ways. His wife says he is so meek and lazy that she is at a loss how to handle him, and that he can’t be got out of bed in the morning without throwing cold water on him.

7. Prof. Sundown Smith was one of the first to apply for the elixir, but the committees held off on him owing to bis physique. He is nearly seven feet tall, and weighs only ninety-two pounds, and they were afraid be hadn’t the constitution to stand it. He made a formal demand, however, and w*s given a six-ounce dose of the elixir in the left leg. He went away to buy a washboard and send home, and since that time has not been seen by any of his friends. It is supposed that the liquid, which was taken from a motherless lamb, produced melancholy in the feelings of the professor and drove him to suicide. Search and inquiry have been made in every direction, but he cannot be found.

S. The eighth victim was Rear-Admiral Sarsaparilla Tompkins, one of the oldest members in years the club has on its rolls. He is 72 years old, walks with two canes, and only attends the meetings monthly, and then comes down in a one-horse waggon. Of late years the only part he has taken in the proceedings has been the move that any matter advanced by Shindig Watkins be laid on the table. It was thought safe to experiment a little on the old man, and his death would be no great loss anyhow, and the liquid was taken from a Berkshire hog weighing about 250 pounds. The old man was on hand and very anxious, and he was given ten ounces and loaded into his waggon. He drove off slowly and without excitement, but when only two squares away he licked the old horse into a run and began shouting at the top of his voice. Nothing could be done with him at home. He thrashed hia wife and children, cleaned out a grocery and threw a. policeman over a fence. He declared himself the boss of the town, and to show his strength and agility he jumped eleven feet and lifted a barrel of pork. He went to bed feeling like a man of 20, but the illusion was temporary. Some time after midnight the old man got up, went out to the woodshed, and there hung himself by the neck with a dog chain. TOO UNCERTAIN TO TOOL WITH. * I was at fust led to believe dat de elixir would fill a long-felt want,’ said Brother

Gardner as the report closed, * but I hev now made up mj mind dat it is too unsartin to fool wid. While dere kin be no sorter queshun dat it has greatly benefited some ob our members, it bus acted just de contrary wid odders. It seems dat we can’t depend on how it will act, thus making all experi* merits dangerous, an’ Ddarfore reckon dat weM best let de hull thing drap. In ao’se it would he wery nice if we could part wid dese wrinkles an’ bent backs, an’ hev youth return again, hut I doan’ believedey’s hit de right thing yet. De committee will be discharged an’ de experiments discon, tinued.’ A NEW BRANCH. A communica'ion was received from Judgs Carryall Parker. Secietary, stating that a branch Lime-Kilo Club had just been organised at Pittsburg, on the south side of the river, a d that its name would be the South Side Lime-Kiln Club. The officers are:—Col. Kyban King, President; Greentree Smith, Treasurer ; Old Man Jones, Keeper of tbe Bear Trap ; Layback Taylor, Outer Guard ; Prof. Blunt, Visiting Delegate and General Grand Bouncer. It was stated that the Branch started business with $7 in cash, a second-hand stove, four mottoes, a stuffed ’possum and a dozen umbrellas. They have taken great spirit, and will no doubt push forward to success. WHEN TO CUT A BEE TREE. The above communication also contained an inquiry as to the best time to cut a bee tree, and Brother Gardner replied : * D&r’ am seberal occashuns when bee trees should be cut, an’ seberal odder occashuns when dey should be left alone. If you want honey mighty bad, you kin jump at de trees moss’ any time in August, but if you jist want honey to sorter tone up de stomach de bes’ way is to wait till some time in October. I hev cut down bee trees when de bees war’ at hum, an’ agin when dey was gone away, an’ I am free to say dat I injoyed myßelf much de moss’ in de latter case. De Secre. tary will answer to de effeck dat de wisest way is to gin some odder chap half de honey fur gatherin’ de crap.’ PENSTOCK BOBBED UP. The Secretary announced the following, dated at Austin, Tex : Brother Gardner :

Sir, —Several years ago I applied for membership in your valuable order, and v ould have been elected, but your ruling caused me to be rejected. I now address you upon a different subject. I desire to purchase the fall wool clip of the Lime-Kiln Club, and would like to have your personal shearing in a separate package. Please bring this matter before the club at your next meeting. Yours in trade. Tonka way Bob. The reading had been scarcely concluded when Elder Penstock sprang to his feet with fire in his eyes and shouted : * I move dat de secretary be fined $lO for readin’ such an insultin’ communication to dis club !’ ‘Brudder Penstock.’ calmly replied tne President, *weis a public body. We can’t expect to please ebery one.’ — — ‘But he speaks of our wool !’ ‘Well, it has alius been called wool, an’ I reckon dat hits it purty elus. If we called it ha’r it would still kink up. Callin’ it woo doan' hurt us.’ ‘But what about de insult?’ persisted Penstock. ‘ Nuffin. Life is too short to go round wid a chip on your shoulder, or to be huntin’ arter insults. We’ll jist lay de letter on de stove.’ ‘ But I appeal !’ * Penstock, sot down !’ shouted the President, as he brought down his gavel with a bang. ‘lf you feel dat you has bin insulted, go down to Texas an’ demand au apology, but doan’ seek to raise a row in dis lodge. We doan’ feel dat we has been hurt any, an’ we doan'. propose to Jose any wina. Da meetin’ will now adjourn for one week.’