QUIPS AND CRANKS.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 937, 14 February 1890, Page 6

QUIPS AND CRANKS.

A MISUNDERSTANDING. Enraged Father : Well, that’s che last time 111 ever bo fool enough to give any of my daughters a wedding cheque. Mother : Why, Charles? There’s nothing wrong 1 hope! Enraged Father : Yes, bat there is. That fool of a son-in-law has gone and had it cashed ! BUCOLIC WIT. Weary Travellor : How farisit, my man, to Goose Green? Village wit : Better nor four mile. Single-minded Son of Toil: Four miles ! Whoi, what’s ee talking about ? it’s under two miles. Village wit : Well, that’s better than four, ain’t it ? SMART—BUT OLD. Landlord (to trespasser) : Go back, there 1 That’s not the road.’ Giles : Do’ee know where Ibe a-goin’? Landlord : No Giles : Then how do’ee know this han’t the road, maister ? SAM WELLERISMS. That was the unkindeet cut of all, as young Snobsky observed when his tailor would not recognise him on Margate jetty.. I’ll be spokesman, as tho wlieelright said when he was making the bars of a wheel. You carry your head precious high, as the keeper of the Zoo remarked to the giraffe. After me, is etiquette, as tho soup said to the fish. I’m a sound instructor, as the singing master observed when he was trying to obtain a pupil.

Howtodresslarks —Catchthem if possible; when the sky is falling, serve on toast, garnished with real jam. How to toll whether a goose is tough.—lnvite your friends to dine upon it, and watch their faces. How to bone a turkey.—Annex one of your neighbour’s when he is not looking. Divided attention.—Miss Flirtington (who has been spooning with Charlie Cherriohappie, to Herr Spoutz, who has been reciting!—Thanks so very much for your charming recitation, Herr, it was so touching it nearly made me cry. Herr Spoutz—ls dat so? Ach : lam ferry zorry I intended it to be gomic. Mr Jone3—l see by the paper that the kilts are in Paris. Mother-in-law—Wßat do you mean ‘by the kilts,’ John ? Mr Jones —Why, a Highland gathering. Mrs Jones —Nonsense, John ! A kilt is pleated, not gathered! What ignorant creatures you men are, to be sure ? Smith—Wonderful alike those two clerks of yours, and take ’em for twins any day. Brown—Yes, you might ; well, you see they are corresponding clerks, perhaps that accounts for it.