QUIPS AND CRANKS.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 931, 3 January 1890, Page 6

QUIPS AND CRANKS.

DIOGENES AT TORBAY. \ Reports of institutions are usually rather dry reading ; but one would wade through many wearisome pages to come across such a gem as the following, quoted from the last report of Torbay Hospital 4 By the death of the late secretary, Mr. Pepprell, the hospital has lost an old and useful servant. It is satisfactory to report that his aocounts were in order, and that, as far as is known, the hospital has sustained no loss through him.’ This ingenuous surprise at discovering an honest man in their midst scarcely speaks well for the general character of his contemporaries.—Hospital. SERMONS IN STONES. Tourist (of an inquiring and antiquarian turnot mind) —Now, I suppose, Farmer, that large cairn of stones has some history? Highland Farmer—Och, aye, that buig o’ stanes has a gran’ history, whatever.’ Tourist (eagerly)—lndeed ! I should like to What is the legend ? Farmer —Just a gran’ history. (Solemnly) It took a’ mu’ oairts full and horsss sax months to gather them aff the land and pit them ther-r-re ! Punch, BROTHERHOOD PROSPECTS. The Rev. Quiverful (watching his daughters at play)—By the way, Maria, why don’t you ask young Brother Anselmus to> the house sometimes ? He's such a nice man ! Mrs. Q.—What’s the good ? He has taken, vows of celibacy ! JLhe Rev. Q. —Only for a year, my love—of which six months have already expired ! —Fun. AT THE KAFFIR CLUB./ Lord Lackbrain—The worst of belonging to a literary club, don’toherknow, is that people take one for a fellow who fives by his or wits, don’tcherknow. Jack SmartNonsense, deah boy. Nobody could ever suspeot you of suoh an impossibility.—Fun. A NASTY ONE. ./ Irate Farmer (to nervous bicyclist, who in dismounting to let the cart pass, has let his bicycle run under his horse’s feet—Damn you, you great lubber ! Yer might ha’ bin born in seme toon. —Judy. HE HAD FORGOTTEN SOMETHING. Smith—What are you loafing around town at this time of night for ? Brown —’Fraid to go home. Wife tbld me to be sure and remember something; and I’ve forgotten what it was. Smith —It wasn’t drygoods or groceries, was it ? Brown —No. ■ , Smith—Baby-food, tacks, or theatre tickets ? , - , , Brown —No; but I have just thought of it. Smith —What was it ? * - Brown—She wanted me to remember to come home early. A BAD OUTLOOK. Warner—Has Owen Allover paid you that old account yet ? . Littlehope—No ; he wants to let it stand a little longer, but he says; he’ll pay interest on it.. >• ' '■ i* n ' ■' ;‘ t Warner —Well, tho interest is all you 11 ever get, for .'he’s a man utterly without principle. ■ 1 " ,-a *