QUIPS AND CRANKS.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 898, 17 May 1889, Page 6

QUIPS AND CRANKS.

A LETTER FROM MARK TWAIN. The following letter, addressed by the American humourist to the Pall Mall Gazette, refers to an article which was printed in that journal under the heading ‘ Mark Twain as an Inventor ':— ‘ But you do me quite too much honour ! I did not invent that typesetting machine. Ia my letter to my English friend I did speak of it as “ my ” machine, and of course that is what misled him, When I own part of a piece of property

X always speak of it as “ mine.” This is merely for grandeur. I ignore the other proprietors. On the same principle I always speak of America as my country. It is a misleading expression. Some think I own it all, others think I invented it. These are err. rs, but they do no particular harm, and I allow them to pass. But in the case of this machine it doesn’t seem quite fair to let it pass. Mr J. W. Paige invented it, and has spent eighteen toilsome years upon it. It was promising to place him at the head of the world’s procession of inventors, when all of a sudden I seem to step in and claim his miracle as my performance ! Indeed, you would not like that yourself; nobody would. No, no, I must beg you to take back that great compliment which you have paid me ; it is not deserved. I have built this machine at my private expense, and have been three formidable years at it. I do claim a good deal of credit for that—l don’t kuow any particular reason why, yet I do—but I Btop there.’ THIS IS WHAT A SCHOOLBOY WROTE. Monkeys are very cleaver they can do nearly every excepting reading and writing there is a big tree in India which is covered with small and big one of the monkeys sore a snake lying on the ground asleep he went down stealthily while the snake is lying a sleeping then he gets hold of a snake by the head and puts it on a stone then he stamps its head till it is flat. We were all monkeys once upon a time. But our great grandfathers being so wise they cut it off because it would be to a bother for us to have a tail hanging behind or in our breaches thats why we dont wear a tail. ‘NOT DONE ENOUGH.’ A hunter more boastful than successful ®nce joined a bear-hunting expedition. During the hunt, as this man was resting by the side of a rock and talking with another hunter, he remarked, 4 If there’s anything I dole on, it’s bear. A slice of bear-steak nicely done is just perfect !’ * Well,’ said his companion, looking up, ‘l’m hanged if there isn’t a bear now !’ The man who 4 doted on hear' looked up, saw an immense grizzly standing on the rock, gave a yell and a leap into the woods, and disappeared. His companion soon overtook him, and said to the fugitive as he came up, 4 Why, I thought you liked bear ?’ 4 Well, I do,’ said the runaway; 4 but that one ain’t done enough !’ ONE THING SHE KNEW. Mistress (to applicant): 4 Have you been in this county long ?’ Applicant : 4 No, mum ; I landed last wake; I’m a granehorn.’ Mistress (dubiously) : 4 Can you cook V Applicant (hesitatingly): ‘Well, know, mum, but I’m willin’ to Taro.’ Mistress : 4 Are you a good laundress ?’ Applicant (hesitatingly) : 4 Well, I dun know, nurn, but I’m willin’ to l'arn.' Mistress : 4 Do you understand chamber-work ?’ Applicant (hesitatingly) : * Well, I dun know, but I’m willin’ to l’arn. ’ Mistress: ‘What wages do you expect?’ Applicant (promptly): 4 Twinty dollars a month, mum.’ —Harper’s Monthly Magazine. PHILOSOPHIC. The negro Is often a real philosopher. An aged colonred man had just paid the last dollar he owed on a mule when the animal suddenly died, leaving its owner bankrupt. On being sympathised with, he said calmly, 4 Well, his time come ter go, sah ; an’ I radder him dan me.’ THINGS ONE WOULD WISH TO HAVE EXPRESSED DIFFERENTLY. Genial Hostess : 4 What, going already, Profeseor ? and must you take your dear wife away with you V The Professor (with grave politeness) : * Indeed, madam, I am sorry to say I must.’ —Punoh. NOT SILK-PURSE MATERIAL. Sillicadde : ‘Ah, Miss Sweetlips, if yer was to marry me I should make a lady of you.’ Hebe: 4 That would bo a one-sided bargain,’ because I couldu’t make a gentleman of you I—Fun.1 —Fun.