QUIPS AND CRANKS.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 850, 15 June 1888, Page 7

QUIPS AND CRANKS.

Both Getting on —Mistress (to applicant) —-How . old are yon, Bridget ? Applicant (with a sigh)-—Ah, mem, /nayther av us will iver see forty agin. The Giddy Girl—‘But remember, my dear niece, that to get married is a very solemn thing.’ ‘Ye-ea, auntie, but not to get married is a more solemn thing.’ Heiress—l am afraid that it is not for me that you come so often, but for my money. Ardent Woper—You are cruel to say so. How could I got your money without getting you ?—Scranton Truth. Owlish Legal Wit— * My erraud here tonight,’ said a young lawyer to a damsel on whom he had called, ‘ reminds me of the cry of an owl.' * Indeed,’ said the maiden, • what is your errand here to night ? •Courtship. To wit, to woo.’—Philadelphia Herald.

In Desperate Straits—Tramp (to woman) —can you gi\e me something to eat, madam? Woman—Naw; there ain’t a thing in the house;, an', beside, I’ve got a couple of letters to write an’ no time' to bother. Tramp (pleadingly)—Madam, let me lick the stamps. 1 can’t starve. Not Likely to Get Away—Father—Young Sampson has been devoted to you for two or three years, hasn’t he ? Daughter—Yes, papa. Father—lsu’t lie very slow about proposing? Daughter Yes, George is a little slow, but (confidently) I think he is sure.—Harper’s Bazar. ... A man who was suspected of having stolen a horse, being arrested by the Sheriff, said to him : ‘ I should like to know what I am taken for.’ ‘ I take you for a horse,’ responded the officer. * Very well, then, I will act like one,’ said the man, as he kicked the Sheriff over and ran off.

The French teacher in a young ladies’ Beminary was a-king the members of her class to give her their full names, when she Game to a modest-looking little girl who slowly responded: •'Mary - Josepbine-Angusta-Tomkinson.’ Tho mademoiselle looked at her in astonishment for a few seconds, then said : ‘ Ees all zat you ?’ A leading minister of New York was preaching from the text—‘Thou are weighed in the balance and found wanting.’ He was very much annoyed by people leaving the church during the sermon, and finally stopped and said That’s right, brethren—as fast as you are weighed pass out !’ The exodus -stopped.