QUIPS AND CRANKS.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 769, 26 November 1886, Page 6

QUIPS AND CRANKS.

‘THE BILLS OF MORTALITY.’

Kirk Elder (after a look at his morning paper): ‘ Poor McStagger deid ! Et’s vera sad to thenk o’ the great number o’ Des tengweshed Men that’s lately been ta’en ! ’Deed —I no feel vera weel mysel 1’ Punch.

Gladstone to Rossa ‘ Are you there, Moriaritee?’ Rossa to Gladstone —‘I am, Gladstone, avict.’ Gladstone —* Don t blow up London yet awhile, O’Donovan darling. Be decent. Give us a month.’ Rossa—‘For your sake, old chap, I’ll do it.’ (To the dynamite factory)— ‘ Aisy, byes, aisy. I’ve granted a respoite.’—New York Journal. Young Mistress. —‘Mary, what do you mean by chalking the soles of my boots V Mary : ‘ Well, ma’am, the fact is I have a pair of boots exactly the same as yours and I. like mine best, and T chalked yours so that I would know the difference between yours and mine.’ A country clergyman who recently preached in an Austin church is an admirer of the writings of Charles Dickens, and quotes from his novels almost as often as he does from the Bible. He surprised his congregation by winding up a gorgeous peroration with: ‘lt is thus, you see, my brethren, as the Scriptures say, “ Barkis is willin’, biat the flesh is weak.”’ Pat—Be jabers, what harrud toimes. If I had me loife insured I’d take it. An old lady being late at church entered as the congregation was rising from prayer. *La !’ said she, courtesying, ‘ don’t get up on my account.’ The sign of a barber upon a Parisian boulevard reads as follows : ‘ X—, European barber. Customers shaved in every language.’—French wit. ‘ My poor friend, you loved your wife so much ! This separation must cost you dearly !’ ‘Enormously. I have paid all her debts.’ —French paper. The conductor exclaimed angriiy : ‘ Here ! don’t do that. You’re ringing the bell at both ends, of the car.’ * That’s all right. Bedad, an’ I want both ends of the car to shtop.’ When John Lord, the historian, was examined for ordinatioD, he was asked by a disciple of Dr. Emmons: ‘Are you willing to be damned for the glory of God ?’ His answer came with the force of an unexpected cannon-shot : ‘No ; but I am willing you should.’ He did not get ordained.—School Journal. Another narrative of the same story is to the effect that Rev. J. W. Turner was the examiner, and that Dr. Lord’s reply was : ‘Me be damned ? No ! you can be damned and welcome !’

Two ladies got in a horse car and two young men sat near. One man gave his seat at once to the elderly lady ; the other kept his place. His friend asked him—disguising it, however, in German why he did not give his place to the young lady 1 He answered in the same language, ‘ Because she is not pretty enough.’ But, after a little reflection, he rose and surrendered his seat. The lady took it, and thanked him—in German.