QUIPS AND CRANKS.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 766, 5 November 1886, Page 6

QUIPS AND CRANKS.

A MILD DRINK-

Rambler ‘ What kind of water is this ?’ asked Binks, as he drained off a glass of Irish whisky in the presence of his wife. * Celt, sir,’ answered hia accommodating friend.

And Mrs Binks was satisfied that her husband never drank intoxicants.

NOT A FISHERMAN HIMSELF, PERHAPS.

‘ You are fishing with persistence,’ said a gentleman to an urchin who had thrashed a stream without apparent reward a whole afternoon.

‘ Oh, no, sir ; on’y jest angle-worms,’ replied the youth pleasantly. ‘ I mean you have a good deal of perseverance,’ explained the other. ‘ No, them’s suckers ; guess ye ain’t Dever lived in these parts, hev ye 1’ The boy was not a little disgusted by the stranger’s ignorance. EQ,UAL~TO HIM. Waiter girl (to commercial traveller) — There’s roast beef and roast duck. Commercial Traveller —Ganvas-fcack duck ? Waiter Girl—Yes. Commercial Traveller (facetiously)—ls it shirred down the front, with lace cuffs turned back over the sleeves, Mary ? Waiter Girl —The same. Commercial Traveller—l will try some of it, I guess. Waiter Girl—Very well, sir. Will you have it with or without ? Commercial Traveller—With or without what ? Waiter Girl —Buttons.—N.Y. Times. An authentic story of a North Devon sexton illustrates the salubrity of that part of England. There had been a wonderful dearth of burials in his parish, and the sexton, who was almost reduced to penury, tearfully exclaimed : * I haven’t buried a livin’ soul for ever so long.’ The most prudent man on record was he who, when retiring at a hotel and finding only four matches in the match-box, for fear that they might be wet and prove useless in case of emergency during the night, carefully tested them one by one, blew them out in turn and tranquilly laid down to rest. The other evening Dr. X arrived at the house of a friend who was expecting him to dinner. * I am completely exhausted,’ he exclaimed, as he mopped his brow. *My patients are killing me.’ ‘Come, doctor,’ cried his friend, ‘ you ought not to complain. It is only a case of just retaliation.’ —French wit.

Among the stories told of the late Dr. Kemper, of Nashota, Wis., is this : One day he asked a divinity student home to dine with him, adding that there might not be much to eat. When they were seated at the table the Doctor at once began to carve at a boiled ham that showed evidence of having seen considerable service. * Why, my dear,’ exclaimed his wife, ‘ you have forgotten something. You have nob asked the blessing.’ * Yes, I have, too,’ bluffly responded the doctor ; ‘ I’ve asked the Lord to bless this old ham all I’m going to.’