QUIPS AND CRANKS.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 761, 1 October 1886, Page 6

QUIPS AND CRANKS.

THE MODEL MAN. He don’t play the fiddle, part his hair in the middle, nor dress like an Anglican dude. When he goes to a party with Meigs or McCarty, he is never noisy or rude. He lives in frugality and sweet conjugality, and wants pie but two times a day ; He never eats onions, nor treads on your bunions, nor growls when you get in his way ; He’s wise and he’s witty, persevering and gritty, and has a magnificent head ; He’s all light and sweetness, he's thorough completeness, he’s perfection in short—but he’s dead ! —Lynn, Mass., Union. A VIOLENT SHOCK. An old lawyer had brought up his son to the law, and the young man had succeeded to the father s practice. One day the old gentleman asked his son how he was getting along. ‘Oh, first rate, father. You kno.v that old Chesford estate that has been hanging on so long ? ‘Yes, son ; what of it ?’ * Well, I've settled it all up and the heirs have their property.’ ‘ Great heavens, my son ! Is it possible ? Why, I raised my entire family off the fees in that case, and here you have gone and settled it in your first year.’ HE WAS ON OATH. When a witness was being interrogated in Cobb Superior Court as to his knowledge of facts, he swore although he didn’t see it he knew that a certain fact occurred. ‘ What !’ said the astute lawyer, ‘ Would you swear to knowing a thing occurred and you never saw it ?’ The witness hesitated a moment in thought, and replied confidently : ‘ Yes, sir, I will. I will swear that 1 was born, but I never saw the occurrence.’ The lawyer subsided. —Marietta, Ga,, Journal. V ' '

It is folly for an eminent man to think of escaping censure, and a weakness to be affected with it.

Lottie was invited, with her mamma, to a dinner party. A gentleman gravely a3ked her: ‘Are you a vegetarian?’ ‘No,’ promptly said Lottie, ‘ I’m a Presbyterian.’ ‘ What is the meaning of the words, “ De mortuis nil nisi bonum ?’ ” asked Johnny Fizzletop of his father. ‘lt means, my son, that when a man closes both eyes, the public is expected to close one eye at least to whatever wrongs he may have committed while he was alive.’

Two wretched-looking tramps were brought up before a Texas Justice of the Peace. Addressing the worst-looking one, the Justice asked : ‘ Where do you live ?’ ‘ Nowhere.’ ‘ And where do you live V said the Justice, addressing the other. ‘l’ve got the room above him.'—Texas Siftings. ‘Ephie,’ said a countrywoman to her thriftless neighbor, ‘ I wonder how ye can sleep wi’ sae muckle debt on your head to which Ephie quietly answered, ‘ I can sleep fu’ weel, but I wunner they can sleep that trust me. 1