QUIPS AND CRANKS.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 751, 23 July 1886, Page 6

QUIPS AND CRANKS.

THE OLD-FASHIONED MAN'I was readin’ in de paper yesterday,’ said Brother Gardner, as the meeting opened after the usual style; * I was a-readin’ a lament bekase de ole-fashun’d man an’ woman had died off an’ would be soon no mo* on airth foreber. Ize glad on it. De ole-fashioned man scraped off de measure when he sold wheat; he believed any sort of food and any sort of bed was good ’naff fur his ehill’en ; he took de biggest piece of pie at de table ; he ate mo’ like a hog dan a human bein’; if he had sympathy, it was fur his cattle instead of his fam’ly. De olefashun’d man was a reg’lar attendant at j > prayer meetin’, but he worked his hired help twenty hours out of twenty-four just de same. He’d drive five miles to church on Sunday to show his religun, but doorin’ de odder six days of de week he was a bad man to trade hosses wid. It took his wife six months to git up de courage to ax him for a new kalaker dress, an’ most of his chill en growed up an’ went away from home widout a reckoleckshun of a dozen kind words. ‘De ole-fa9hun’d man had two recipes fur his fellow bein’s. De fust was hard work ; de nex’ was boneset tea. He had but two

ideahs in regard to boys. De fust was lots o’ work an’ a leetle schoolin’; de next was lots o’ lickins an’ no holidays. He had but two ideahs in regard to bizneßS. De fust j was git all ye kin ; de next was to keep all ye git. He argued dat a liar could Deber enter de kingdom of heaben, but would go out an’ lick a sick ox to death widout any fear about his hereafter. He prayed loudly dat de Bawd would increase his crops, but ! he kept his hired hands down to de lowest possible figger. He made a great show of i submittin’ to de will of Providence, but if 500 pounds of hay got wet in a rainstorm ’ some of de chill’en come in for a lickin’ befo’ night. j . ‘De ole-fashun’d man and woman have departed, an' de world hasn’t lost a cent by i it. It was a good depart. "Wicked as some j folks claim de world to be, I feel dat I kin walk into de aiverage crowd an’ pick out i mo’charity, humanity, religun, sympathy, | an’ morality dan could be found in a 10-acre • lot of ole-fashun’d men.’ Lime Kiln j Soliloquy.

The- following is told of a well-known London diner-out, whose love of oysters is notorious. At a dinner party the other evening oysters were duly served to him, but when he got the fourth he sent his plate away. The hostess, by whom he sat, observing this, expressed her concern, adding : * I assure you they are natives.’ ‘ I don’t doubt it,’ he replied; but that last one I ate was a settler.'

The disappointed suitor (Not improbable.) Prince Alexander —Kicked out by the Powers 1 Then I must console myself with Sophia ! King Milan—Boo-boo. No Widdin, after all.—London Punch.