Quips and Cranks.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 426, 10 April 1880, Page 4

Quips and Cranks.

" The reason why I got my ears boxed," said Johnny, "was because when mother said a neighbor had borrowed a hen of her, I said the Lent hen season had arrived."

"Mother is all the time telling me not to bolt my food," said the small boy, " and now she has gone and bolted up the cupboard that has got all the company's victuals." The class in geography was on exhibition, when the question came, " Who discovered the Sandwich Islands ? " Every hand was instantly raised, followed by a chorus of " Joseph Cook !" A priest asked of a condemned criminal in a Paris gaol: " What kind of a conscience have you?" "It is as good as new," replied the prisoner, " for I have never used it." A belated husband, hunting in the dark for a match with which to light the gas, and audibly expressing his disappointment, was rendered insane in an instant by his wife suggesting, in a sleepy voice, that he had better light one and look for them, and not go stumbling around in the dark, breaking things. "Harper's Bazaar," on table manners, says : —"Do not betray by any gesture that you are hungry." Certainly not. |Eor, of course, no one is supposed to go to the table to satisfy his appetite ; it is a mere form. Any indication that you go there because you want something to eat is very ill-bred. — Boston Post.

On the River. —"What's the matter, Alfred? You look uneasy." "Well, my wife, who is fond of swimming, dived, off the boat some time ago, and has not come to the surface ; I am afraid that something must, have happened to her." "How long has she been under?" 'jAbout two hours."— French Newspaper.

A LITTLE girl in the infant class of a Sunday school thoroughly appreciated the difference between being good from choice and from necessity. At the close of the school one day the teacher remarked," Beckie, dear, you have been a dear little girl to-day." "Yes 'm, I couldn't help being good, I got a 'tiff neck," the youthful Beckie replied with perfect seriousness.

He had just landed from a three years' whaling voyage, and, overcome by his jovial reception, found himself before the police cotirt. "Your honor," he said plaintively, "I'm a simple sailor, lowly born." "Thirty days for the drunk, six months tor the 'Pinafore,'" was the ringing sentence; and the poor tar, bewildered, was dragged to his dungeon cell and deprived of telephonic communication. A young lady of the mature age of six propounded the following question to her aunt the other day. It was after the story of the Creation and the Fall had been related, • and the young lady had been meditating for some time on the moral of it, when she suddenly broke out with : "Aunty, after Adam and Eve disobeyed God, why didn't he kill 'em, and begin over again ? " The question has occurred to older people. The Immortal Soul.—" This, dear children, is the shoe of a Chinese lady ; see how small it is ; what a very narrow sole it has." "I'll bet it ain't as narrow as Deacon 's. Father says his soul will fall through a crack in the floor some day and get lost," was the shrill comment of a boy given to sharp listening. The Superintendent put the shoe in his pocket, and requested the school to sing "Pullf or theShore."— Ncio Haven Register. Every town has its mean man, and ours was no exception to the rule. Enus Smuggs, our next door neighbor, was remarkable for his closeness and inventive genius. The other day he wanted to purchase a ton of egg coal, and borrowing the morning paper from us he read it till he found out where it could be bought for the least money. The only thing that troubled him was how to get it into his back yard without any labor or expense. There was a large alleyway between our houses which led to Enus' yard, and when the coal arrived he opened the door and walking up a few feet he drove an old broomstick into the ground and put a large bottle on the top. He was waiting in the yard with a shovel in his hand when three small boys came along and opened fire on the bottle with the pieces of coal. In half an hour the sidewalk was cleared, and the coal safely stored away in the shed, and then old Enus, grinning from ear to ear, sold the bottle to a junkman. How to Pass an Examination in Law.— "Examiner—Do you smoke, sir? Candidate— I do, sir. Examiner—Have you a spare cigar? Candidate —Yes, sir (extending a short six). Examiner —Now, sir, what is the first duty of a lawyer? Candidate—To collect fees. Examiner—Right; what is the second? Candidate—To increase the number of his clients. Examiner —When does your position towards your client change ? Candidate—When making a bill of costs. Examiner —Explain. Candidate —Then we occupy the antagonist's position. I assume the character of plaintiff, and he becomes defendant. Examiner—A suit decided, how can you stand with the lawyer conducting the other bill ? Candidate—Cheek by jowl ! Examiner—Enough, sir ; you promise to be an ornament to your profession, and I wish you success. Now are you aware of the duty you owe me? Candidate —Perfectly. Examiner— Describe the duty. Candidate—lt is to invite you to drink. Examiner—But suppose I decline ? Candidate (scratching his head) —There is no instance of the kind on the books. I cannot answer the question. Examiner —You are right, and the confidence with which you have made the assertion shows you have read the law attentively; let's take the drink, and I will sign your certificate.

Chauncey M. Depew told this story at the recent New England dinner : In the Berkshire hills there was a funeral. The woman who mingles curiosity with pity was there with the mourners. To the afflicted widow in a melancholy voice, she said : " When did you get your new eight-day clock ? "

"I ain't got no eight-day clock," responded the bereaved woman.

"Why, what is that in the corner: Ain't that an eight-day clock :" persisted the curious visitor. 'g&MgHifr'-'WVKp.i fc * "No, that ain't a clock ; that's the deceased. We stood it on an end to make room for the mourners."