Round the Corners,

New Zealand Mail, Issue 426, 10 April 1880, Page 15

Round the Corners,

I am interested in the Civil Service Commission, because I take a warm interest in the Civil Service : there is ho much about it that I. find congenial, for I know all the ins and onts of the departments, and daily chuckle over the procrastination and how-not-to-do ifc that is practised, to say nothing of those who really do not know bow to do it, and whose duties are resolved into efforts to find out some one who does, and who will do it for them. I could supply the Commission with valuable evidence if they would but call me as a witness. I know they wont, for the muck-heap they have undertaken to remove has already alarmed them, and they will, if possible, dispose of the matter in hand by mere surface exploration. Of course I would be an awkward witness, but I will give them a hint, and strongly recommend its acceptance. Examinethat department to which the others are most

prone to refer. Reference is the very essence of the system ; what would the over-worked officials, poor dears, do without it ? The ease with which the British public can be gulled has been frequently commented upon, but never—well, hardly ever- has it been more forcibly demonstrated than by the Utopian idea which was so readily swallowed recently, namely, that of small farm settlements along the West Coast railway, several families to possess a life interest in one cow. The working man only requires stuffiug with some auch bunkum as this, and be will imHgine that the carrying out of the idea propounded is the only means by which this howling wilderness may be transformed into a land flowing with milk and honey. Such pictures of happiness are conjured up before them that they fancy they have at last found out how this dre*ry world may be converted into a very paradise,

•nd their thinking powers are rarely, if ever, brought to bear upon the subject. At a camp meeting I once hovered around in America—jou must know I am great on camp meetings —a " culJered brudder" was describing the different ideas of heaven whicn various nations entertain, and he spoke of one as being • place abounding in cool pastures and clear Tunning streams, where innumerable flocks and herds were to be found, the joint property of •11 who reached that blest abode. At this ■tage the preacher was interrupted by one of bis audience, an old lady, to whom the good things of this life were not without their •harms, shouting, " Glory, glory, Hallelujah !" •*' Hold on, mudder," said the preacher, " You're crowing ober de wrong Heben." I fancy the recent agitators and their disciples bave been doing something of the same sort. " Are you a member ?" Such was the query frat to me under novel circumstance* on a recent evening. The querist, a plump, pretty, dark-eyed damsel ; the place, to me a house of mystery. It looked like a pub, and feeling •thirst, I entered, and espying a bar, with goodly show of liquors, I called for a cool tankard of my favorite tipple. "Are you a member, sir ?" said the maiden. " What," thought I, " does she take me for an M.H.R. ? What is there in my appearance that so belies me ?" Sternly, I asked, " What do you mean, lady ?" " Well, sir, you know, of ■course. Are you a member 1" And the fair damsel actually winked ! A slight, coy-like, half - bashful, half - encouraging, tremulous motion of the left eyelid, a fl-eting, flashing •quiver, but decidedly a wink. It was interesting but puzzling, and I ceuld only say, *' What, • member of the Police force? emphatically n>; Druids ? no ; Queer Fellows ? no ; Ancient Order of Foodies ? no ; Good Templars ? no ; Vraternal Democrats ? no; City Council? no, ■o, no ! Imps ? Fourth Estate ?—well"—but here my fair inteirogator grew impatient, and exclaimed, " Well, you must be a m ." I really think, from the firm compression of her lips, that she intended to say " muff" that •time, and not "member," but at the moment my friend Squills appeared, and she forbore. " Hullo ! old un, found it out, have you ?" said Squills. " Well that's what I certainly have not," said I, "and to tall the truth, I'm puzzled. This Interesting young person want* to know if I'm a ■a—." "Oh, is that it ?" saki tiquills, "come on," and he laughed, and the young damsel laughed, and we adjourned to the bar. " Give us two tidal waves, Araminta," said Squills ; and, Io ! two shinijg pewter pints frothed on the board, and we dipped our beaks and smiled again. Squills, bloated capitalist that he is, deposited sixpence worth of coppers on the counter, and the young lady, once again beaming an all round smile, betook herself •way, and then my faithful friend and pitcher elucidated. " It's a club, you see," said he, ■" half-crown entrance fee ; number unlimited ; beer* half price ; member can introduce friends—join, and be happy." Need I say, in the language of the poet, " I have been there, .»nd still will go " —especially while the damsel with the tremulous eyelid remains a permanent member of the establishment ?

Alack, and alack a day. That it should come to this ! James Hennessy and his confreres banished into the cool shades of distrust. ■" Why may not imagination trace the noble dust of Alexander till he find it stopping a bunghole ?" Had Hamlet lived in these latter •days he might have rhapsodised not on a bunghole but a barrel, choked with atoms of mortality, The Morning Advertiser has a French ■correspondent who, in his fiendish malignity, has circulated a horrible bit of gossip. Why did he not keep the secret, and let us who take for our stomachs' sake and our inward infirmities an occasional three-finger nip enjoy the blissjof ignorance? Phaugh ! "lis gruesome reading:—"A wine-grower near Cugneaux, in the department of the Haute Garonne, on testing his new wine found it had a most peculiar and unusual flavor. He had the vat emptied, and found at the bottom of it the corpse of one of his vintners, who had been missing since last September. The authorities have forbidden the sale of this extraordinary wine, but curiously enough they will allow it to be made into brandy.' Lovers of French brandy who object to human alcohol would do well to take to beer for some tim« to come." For my part, I certainly shall, although the corporeal entity of that epicurean vinter, who jumbled his ideas of suicide and self-preservation in so extraordinary a fashion, will be a good deal etherialised before being dispensed in sixpenny nobblers. I wonder how it agreed, in its full strength, with the wine-grower who tested it. Perhaps he may recommend the contents of the vat as excellent tipple to those who appreciate a full-bodied after-dinner port. It is astonishing how mightily disinterested and considerate folks can become under certain combinations of circumstances. Brotherly love is, in fact, nothing compared with their frame of mind. They cannot even live apart, but want to be all of a heap, like Brown's cows, and to have cows and pigs, to say nothing of doves and pigeons, in common. I happened to be stilting about the Government Buildings the other day, and was much j

amused with the Ministerial baiting that wa3 going on. Two of the Ministers were tied to a stake and had to submit to the attacks of sundry bands of tormentors who wanted their skins, or something akin to them. One of these bands was an as emblage of brethren who aspired to live together on the model settlement principle, and made a sort of stand-and-deliver demand for a block of land that the two f,oor Ministers seemed to value more than their cuticles, for they would not give it. The applicants, it seemed, were not in proper form ; they ought to have been bound together by certain legal ties, and also to have come with a marked cheque in their hands. And so, after inflicting intense torture on the baited ones, they departed in dudgeon. Now, I have a friend in town, a brother " demon," who is up to a thing or two, and I quietly gave him a hint. We call him J ydown below, but above ground he is something very much more honorable and a landholder to boot. He wasn't long in taking action, but at once intimated to the "Brothers" by advertisement that he had something to suit them at a place called M n b h. But the Brethren were unappreciative. Was it that they preferred a plum out of the public pudding to a whole dish of private speculation ? At any rate I have not heard that they responded to the invitation to buy, and yet J y declares his price is dirt cheap, and terms of the easiest. If the brethren are really in earnest, my friend's proposition is surely worth considera-

tion. It's not very often that a prisoner charged with obtaining money under false pretences makes an application for the loan of a few shillings from the prosecutor immediately after his acquittal by a Supreme Court jury. This singular incident, however, took place a few days ago in a city not a hundred miles from Wellington. And the strangest part of the thing is that the applicant got the money too. It is a somewhat unusual thing for a jury engaged at the Supreme Court trying a man for larceny to be called upon by the Judge to decide upon the sobriety or otherwise of the principal witness ; but on Monday thia singular proceeding occurred in the Wellington Supreme Court. The prosecutor had evidently been paying his attentions to the shrine of Bacchus, early as it was, but when taxed with it by the Judge he denied the soft impeachment, but admitted that he " thought he had had one drink that morning." His state of maudlin intoxication, however, was so evident that even the Crown Prosecutor, who, of course, wished to secure a conviction, was of opinion that he was not in a fit state to give evidence. But the Judge, good easy man, remarked that some people were affected with peculiarities that were akin to intoxication, and decided not to do the witness—who explained his erratic conduct by Laying he was deaf—an injustice without an appeal to the jury. Though not empannelled to enquire into this question, their deliberations were very brief, and several of them instantly ejaculated "Very drunk !" —none being more emphatic than the foreman, a rubicund and well-known Boniface, who should be a good judge on such matters. And eo the verdict having been arrived at, the Court refused to take the man's evidence, and the accused was liberated. And then his Honor read the early tippler a severe lecture, saying that if he were sure he was the worse for liquor a very serious punishment would have been inflicted, but under all the doubtful circumstances of the case his expenses only would be stopped. So that his Honor did not agree with the jury's dictum. How was it then that he refused to receive the evidence, and that the case fell through ? The proceedings were strangely anomalous, ts say the least of it, and the prosecutor was lucky in being before Judge Prendergast instead of Judge Johnston. Policemen as a rule are supposed to be infallible, particularly if they happen to be a cut above a private, I, in common with a good many others who attend our Courts of law, have long had my own opinion on the subject, and this opinion was quite set at rest a day or two ago while listening to a case being tried in the Supreme Court. A sergeant of police—supposed to be in charge of a considerable upcountry district was being cross-examined, and in answer to a question having reference to his depositions, stated that he did not know exactly what they contained, although they had been read over to him. More than that, he added, to the astonishment of the Court, that he had not signed the depositions, and when asked if he would be surprised to find his signature on them, he replied that he should be very much so indeed. Even when told that his name appeared there, he seemed to have considerable doubt about it, and it was not until the depositions were put into his hand and he had examined the signature, that he admitted—though it seemed most unwillingly —that it was his signature. Such glari g forgetfulness —to say the least of it—on the part of an officer, must tend to very greatly shake our faith in the efficiency of at least some portion of the Wellington police force. How many citizens are hoping a fire will occur on the 14th instant, provided, of course, the fire should burn any house but their own ? Should the event happen, we may expect a beautifully novel spectacle a worshipful Mayor and twelve honorable City Councillors turned into firemen, and zealously extinguishing the " devouring element." The brigades say they will disband on the 13th ; the Mayor, being asked the consequence in case of fire, replies in full Council—" We shall all have to turn to ourselves." So if the breach is unhealed, and the fire-bells ring on Wednesday next, gods and men will see a nineteenth century city corporation ranged in halves, working a fire-engine. Who cannot see in the mind's eye Messrs. iFisher and Maginnity racing along the Quay, Mr. Stafford rushing out of Court in his gown and wig, Dr. Diver deserting a patient, and Councillors Thompson and Young bolting bareheaded from their

warehouses. Cinci sntus Diogenes and thereat | of those terribly virtuous men we have all read

of a few thousand times but never seen are to i have their monopoly broken at last. Of course I Councillors will carefully sort themselves over, ae it were, beforehand. 'Twould never do to j put all the Falstaffs on one side of the machine and the Cassiuse's on the other, or the former | would go to earth and the latter be thrown j into the air. They should eng ge a handicapper to strike an average, to draw fair half aDd half. But then the arrangement might be upset by a few city fathers having taken suddenly ill at the first peal of the bell.