Odds and Ends.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 419, 21 February 1880, Page 3

Odds and Ends.

It is said that it would be difficult to naturalise the alpaca, but the "La ! Ma," was long ago introduced into England. Foote, the great wit, shot many an arrow that remained quivering in the wound for a long time. When someone, with bad taste, raised a laugh against him on the subject of his lameness, he turned on his intruder and remarked sharply, " Why do you attacK my weakest part? Did I ever say anything about your head ?" A minister out in Oconto, Wis., went on strike a few Snndays ago. The congregation assembled and waited anx ously for him. He didn't put in an appearance. A messenger arrived, however, with a note from the pastor, stating that the divine service would b • suspended until the congregation purchased h'm a suit of clothes so that he could appear in the pulpit decently clad. The woolly skin of the peach, the blushing colorsof the apple, the flavor of the pear, the juice of the water-melon, all do fade as a leaf ; but the peanut holds its own for ever, the transcendental combination of fruit, berry, and vegetable, king of the gallery, par excellence on the half shell, and the greatest promoter of matrimony in the wide world. A certain old gentleman, very rich, and still more stin?y, is in the habit of wearing his clothes to the last thread. One of his friends, meeting him. exclaimed : " They told me you h*d a new hat, and I'll be hanged if you haven't!" " Oh, yes " said the miser, looking as if he were a trifle ashamed of himself ; " you see my wife kept telling me that the old one was a good deal worn out. Well, yesterday was my wife's birthday, and I got myself a new hat for her birthday present." The eloquent counsel, MaitreX., recently appeared at the assizes to defend a prisoner, and delivere I an oration as long as the Mont Cenis tunnel, and as dry as dust. When he had concluded, the jury was aroused from their slumbers and charged, and presently brought in a verdict of guiltv. With a pleasant smile the presiding judge sentenced the prisoner to 15 years' imprisonment at hard labo*% the time spent in listening to his counsel's argument to be counted as a part of the punishment. A Practical Question. —A striking illustration of the materialistic and utilitarian tendencies of the age is to be found in the title of the new song—" Can You Support Me, Darling?" which is just now all the rag-< in Eastern drawing-rooms, and has quite superseded the "Pinafore" selections. The author is said to have been a prospective mother-in-law, and the esoteric rendering of the question is suspected to be —" Can You Support TJs ?"

A Doublk Barrelled Hint.—One of those revenues of nature, which come from time to t' ; me to show that the great mother does not sleep, is now brou-'ht to the knowledge of our citizens. The bay is covered with schools of smelts, immense y popular and public, and contrived a double debt to pay, by suggesting instantly the smells which possess the streets of San Francisco and the schools we have been holding our noses over for eight months. The world is full of wonders.

A Sceptical young man confronted an old Quaker with the statement that he did not believe in the Bible. The Quaker said—" Dost thou not believe in France !" "Yes, though I have not seen it, I have seen others that have ; besides, there is plenty of corroborative proof that such a country does exist." " Then thee will not believe anything thee or others have not seen ?" " No, to be sure I won't." "Did thee ever see thine own brains ?" " No." Ever see anybody that did ? Dost thee believe thee has any i" The young man left. A Georgia man changed his residence eight times in eleven months, and the last time his wife said she didn't even care to go to heaven, for about the time she got fixed up and learned where the water was, and everything, her husband would want to move. A l-airy farmer in Mepunga, Victoria, has b en making £2 a week by trapping rabbits, feeding the swine with the carcases, and selling the jackets, which are now used extensively in Melbourne for manufacturing the well-known head covering yclept the " wide awake," Dog-Seller.—" That 'ere hanimal's the real stock, mum, and dog cheap at five pounds." Young Widow —" It's a sweet pretty darling, black and white ; but in my present state of bereavement you will procure one entirely black. This will do very well for half mourning in six months."

A Paris beauty recently won a husband in three interviews. The first time she saw him she wore a wacer-green muslin, with short skirt and short sleeves; the second time a short silk polonaise over a frilled skirt of India muslin, and a straw hat trimmed with pink clover and a white feather ; and t e thi d, a gown of wedgwood blue foulard and a Rubens hat. This fetched him.

Not Likely.—Minnie C. Ballard, in a tender lyric just ijublished, inquires of whom it may concern : Would you love me as well, true heart, Had I a face less fair ? We dislike to say unpleasant things, Minnie, but the chances are he wouldn't. Plain word- are best, and so sometimes are women, but we repeat that the chances are that he wouldn't. CHURCH PRIVILEGES. It was after the evening service. Mrs Coonton and the three Misses Coonton had arrived home. They sat listlessly around the room with their things on. Mr Coonton was lying on the lounge, asle>p. It had been undoubtedly an impressive sermon, as the ladies were silent, busy with thoughts. ' Emmeline,' said Mrs Coonton, suddenly addressing her eldest, 'did you see Mrs Parker when she came in.' * Yes, ma.' replied Emmeline. * She didn't have that hat on last Sunday, did she ?' •No,' said Bmmeline. ' It's her new hat. I noticed it the moment she went down the aisle j and I says to Sarah. ' What on earth possesses Mrs. Parker to weai such a hat as that ?' ' says I.' ' such a great prancing feather on such a little hat lookid awful ridiculous. I thought I- should laugh right out when I saw it,' observed Sarah. ' 1 don't think it looked any worse th m Mary Schuyler 8, with thelflaring red bow at the back,' said Amelia.

' I don't see what Mis. Schuyler can be thinking of to dress Mary out like that,' said Mrs. Coonton, with a sigh ' Mary must be older than Sarah ; and yet she dresses as if she was a me-e child.' 'She's nearly a year older than I am,' asserted Sarah.

' Did you see how the widow Marshall was trucked out ?' interrupted Emmeline. 'She was as gay as a peacock, Mercy! what airs that woman puts on ! I would like to have asked her when she's going to bring back that pan of flour; —' and Kmmeline tittered maliciously. ' she's shining around old McMasters 1" ejaculated Mrs. Coonton. " Why, he's old enoueh to be her father.'

' What difference do you supppose that makes to her ?' suggested Emmeline. * She'd marry Methuselah. But I pity him if he gets her. She's a perfect wildcat.'

' Say, Em, who was that gentleman with Ellen Byxby?' inquired Amelia, ' That's so,' chimed in Sarah with spirit: ' who was he?'

' What gentleman ?' asked Mrs, Coonton. ' Why, I don't know who it was,' exclaimed Emmeline.

' They came in during the prayer. He was a tall fellow, wiih light hair and chin-whiskers.'

'lt couldn't have been her cousin John from Brooklyn,'suggested Mrs. Coonton. ' Brother, no.' said Sarah pettishly. 'He is short, and has brown hair. This gentleman is a stranger here. I wonder where she picked him up.' ' She seemed to keep mighty close to him,' said Amelia. 'But she needn't be scared: no one will take him unless they are pretty hard pushed. He looks as soft as squash. Did you see him tumbling up his hair with his fingers ! I wonder what that big ring cost —two cents ?' and the speaker tittered. ' Well, I'm glad if she's got company,' said Mrs. Coonton kindly. ' She's made efforts enough to get some one, goodness knows !" ' I should say she had'coincided Emmeline. ' She's got on one of them Victoria hats. I see. If I had a drunken father, I'd keep in doors, and not be parading myself in public' Just then there was a movement on the lounge, and the ladies began to take off their things. ' Hello, folks!' said Mr. Coonton, rising up, and rubbing his eyes. 'ls church out ?' ' Yes,' said Mrs. Coonton with a yawn, which communicated itself to her daughters.

' Did you have a good sermon ?' ' Pret-ty good,' accompanied by another yawn all round.

' See many good clothes ?' ' I suppose you think, Mr. Coonton, that that is all your wife and daughters go to church for, —to look at people's clothes,' said Mrs. Coonton tartly. That's lust like pa,' said Emmeline, with a toss of her head ; 'he is always slurring church people.' Pa sloped to bed.