Odds and Ends.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 358, 21 December 1878, Page 3

Odds and Ends.

Sweet Things in Comes.—Honey. Domestic Pets. —Matrimonial sulk 3. The early swimmer catches the cramp. Dos't attempt to hold the reins in a driving storm. What is better than a promising young man—A paying one. When a man is rooted to the spot does he branch out before he leaves i A bad hat, taken to an evening party, frequently comes out the next day as gooa as new. Mns. Partington, when she heard the minister say there would be a nave in the new church, observed »he knew well who the pariy war. There is a man by the name of John Hole who is so lazy that in writing his name he merely makes a J. and then punches a hole through the paper. It is expected that dresses in Paris will soon be made of elastic, as nothing else is found sufficiently clinguiß. A wag who thought to have a joke at the expense of an Irish provision-dealer said, " Can you supply me •with a yard of pork?" *' Pat," said the dealer to his assistant, "' give this gentleman three pigs'feet!" The crown of England contains 1700 diamonds, that of France contains 5252 diamonds, and the Russian imperial crown contains 2500 diamonds. Dealers and connoisseurs regard the Russian collection as the finest. Classic Relic. —Another relic of the classic age has been found in Kent, being a dog's collar, supposed to have belonged to Julius Cresar, from the fact of having his name engraved upon it. " Can that horse run fast ?" asked a boy of a milkman, the other morning. "No, sonny," replied the purveyor of aqueous lacteal fluid, "he can't run very fast, but he can stand the fastest of an horse you ever saw." It was said of a laity who had just completed her two score years, and who played very loudly upon her piano, but never spoke of her age except in a whisper, that she was forte upon her piano, but piano upon her forty. Startling.—Ttlistress. " You needn't be so frightened, Maria; "Lor," mum! I thought it was a sewing-machine. And I only just touched the handle, and it said, ' What the devil are you at ?' just like the very moral of master !" Defenceless citizen (afraid of burglars to his hoasekeeper, on retain? for the night)—"There, Mrs. Binks, if they attempt to come in here, you see, the bell will ring, the dish-cover will be thrown down, and the coal-scuttle will upset ; and no doubt we shall hear them at any rate. And the man trap Iv'e set just inside the draw ing-room door !" A sceptic who was badgering a simple-minded old man about miracles and Balaam's ass finally said : *' How is it possible for an ass to talk like a man ?'' " Well." replied the honest old believer, with mean, ing emphasis, "I don't see why it ain't as easy for an ass to talk like a man as it is for a man to talk like an ass I''

A man advertising a shop to let in the delightful village of Pleasant Ridge, added to his announcement : " The late occupier being taken off by typhus fever, a densely populated community of many miles are left to mourn the loss of a good family grocery." College Professor (to Junior who has been taking advantage of his absent-mindedness) : " Young man, I find on looking over the records that this makes the fifth time in two years that you have been granted leave of absence to attend your grandmother's funeral." AMONG the Zulus, a nation of Cnffres, according to et.iouettc, the mother-in-law cannot face the son inlaw", but must hide, or pretend to hide, when she sees him. In this country the custom is reversed. It is the son-in-law who does the dodging. '• Mossoo Dissembling."—lt is said that, through the Paris Exhibition attracting all the world to Lutetia, the only war in which a Parisian can hope to receive civil treatment from officials, shopkeepers, cockers, etc., is to go about with a "Buedecker" under one arm, and a map of Paris ostentatiously displayed, in order to be taken for the intelligent and presumably we dthy foreigner whom money-making Paris is anxious to make the most of. Just before the public schools in New Haven closed for the vacation, a lady teacher in one of the departments gave out the word "fob" for her class to spell. After it was spelled, as was her custom, she asked the meaning of it. No one knew. The teacher then told the class she had one, and was the only per son in the room who had. After a little while a hand went hesitatingly up. Teacher—" Well, what is it ? ' " Please, ma'am, it's a beau." Tracks.—ln the State of Kentucky lived a very eccentric old man by the name of Nicholas Leathers, known far and wide as " Old Nick Leathers." Having some land business which called him to Frankfort in the dead of winter, he went to the house of the Secretary of State, who happened not to be in just then. The wife of the secretary undertook to entertain him in the interval, and being a devoted deaconness and greatly interested in the distribution of tracts, she asked him about the religious condition of the people of his neighborhood whether, they were supplied with tracts, etc.—" Oh. yes, madam, hog tracks, coon tracks, deer tracks, all sorts of tracks : I expect my boys are tracking rabbits now." The managess of a certain theatre is a lady, and she play Juliet herself. She engaged a star Romeo for a time, and when the term was over he was to go. In the last scene, in an interval of the business, she said, ' I am sorry, dear Montague, you are going." He replied. " Jf you will re-engage me, Miss Capulet, I will stay All seemed concluded ; but after Romeo had stabbed himself, and Juliet had died decorously on his padded chest, suddenly, just before the sorrowing friends rushed in, Romeo r.dsed himself upon the stage and said, " On consideration, Miss Capulet, I will not remain unless you give me five pounds a week extra and a clear benefit." The house enjoyed the "situation," as was evidenced by the loud laughter. Makes all the Difference. addressing a communistic meeting : " As I said before gentlemen, lam with you, heart and soul. The property of the country should be equally divided. The rich must be compelled to share their horded wealth with those whom a somewhat careless and inattentive Providence has blessed with nothing. Why should one be penniless while another has his thousands ? AVhy—" At this point a telegraph messenger boy pushes his way through the crowd and hands the speaker a despatch, which reads as follows :—" Colonel Whackup—Dear Sir : Your aunt in Pen Yan has just died, leaving you a legacy of §IB,OOO. Attorney."The speaker devours the glad tiding silently, and then says, "Hum—ha—yes—well—gentlemen, I shall be compelled to conclude my speech at some future clay, as I have been summoned away on important business," and Colonel Whackup isn't with them so much as he was. " His banner led the spears no more Amongthe hills of Spain." A eew days ago, a green-looking couple, evidently newely married, called at a Nevada photograph gallery and wanted their pictures taken- Just as the operator had gothis plate ready the man called him aside and said he wanted to ask a favor. " I was told in Carson you took the best pictures in the State. Now, you see, Sail and I got hitched down there last Monday; now, herfolks are agood deal on style, and they live in New England. They never saw me, and if I send my mug back East they'll be dead agin me, sure. I'm a darned sight better man than I look, and when people come to know me they vote me a' brick. Now, what I want is to get some good-lookin' man to sit with Sal for a picture. Will you stand in ? She's willin'. Them big whiskers of yours'll catch 'em sure, anil creat6 harmony. You look like a solid capitalist, and they'd take me for a petty larceny thief." Th.s operator enjoyed the idea immensely, and sat with " Sal" for the picture which will doubtless carry joy into the household of the Eastern relatives in a week or so. The San Francisco News Letter, m a humorous account of Professor Edison, the inventor of the phonograph, says :—" Young Edison evinced his remarkable turn for invention at an extraordinarily early age. He used to invent five excuses a week for playing truant, and would have been on regular schedule time with six, but there was no school on Saturdays. At the age of seven he b-gan, according to the maternal Edison, to ' take notice,' and soon after he invented the since popular practice of sitting up late on Sunday nights in parlors with the gas turned down, accompanied by a photograph album, a box of caramels, some cardamon seeds, and a young woman. It was about this time he conceived that the patent Anti-bashful Sofa, the hidden machinery of which is wound up by the young lady immediately before the arrival of the young man in such cases enacted, and by an almost insensible contraction it. diminishes in size from a six-foot lounge to an ordinary sized armchair. The latest improvement to this admirable piece of furniture he cal s the Patent Parent Preventer. A fine strand of wire is passed under the parlor door, and connects with the hall bannisters. This rings a small electric bell in the coat-tail pocket of the young man whenever the girl's mother comes out on the landing above to listen, and promptly exposes any attempt of the old man to sneak down stairs in his stocking feet- a disreputable dodge until recently, we regret to say, very much in vogue."