Odds and Ends.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 348, 12 October 1878, Page 3

Odds and Ends.

A story in two letters —" No" for " Yes." The only people who really enjoy bad health are the doctors. ' , '. ~ Chorus of Boston reporters—" In Tappan s fall we suffered all. ' How to make an impression at the seaside —bit down in the wet sand. ..'-,-■■. Tips have gone out of fashion at Saratoga, and. prices are down as well. An Eimira man has invented a soap that will cure an eruption of Mt. Vesuvius. A man must be awfully drunk to stumble over his own shadow. , She that hath a new bonnet is more consumed with a desire to go to meeting than seven pious women. . A new volume of poems by John Boyle O Beilly is in preparation. Boyle them down. John. A Tkxas couple h»ve eloped ia style, on horseback, with six groomsmen and bridesmaidj, also mounted. A stKONG agitation has sprung up in New York city for the reduction of the price of lager beer from five to three cents per glass. _ -"•"■. There is a gleam of genuine philosophy in. Wxla Oats when it says that " the girl who wears a diamond ring has generally an itchy nose." The wife of an Ex-Congressman and daughter of a former TJuited States Senator now makes an honest living selling milk at Washington. „;•,■;, To get figs from thistles : Reduce one ton of thistles to 70 pounds of potash. Then sell your potash for cash. Then take the cash and buy figs. Queen Victoria has now given away both of her garters one to Beaconsfield and one to Salisbury. What will she do to hold up her stockings ? A Michigan woman hid her cow under the hay to ■ keep her out of sight of the tax collector, and a newspaper call 3 it a case of cow-hiding by a female. - It is now believed that the fixed stars were placed jso far away in order that the patent medicine men couldn't get there to paint on the rocks. _ 1 The latest argument for paper money is taken from ! the fact that it is doubled up when you put it in your pocket, and you find it in creases when you take it "What I" said an ancient Dutchmen of the Mohawk Valley, when aske I to contribute to a new Ughtnipg-eonductor for the church, "you dink do Lord dunder His own house down ?" An old bachelor said he once fell in love with a young lady, but abandoned all idea of marrying her when her found that she and all her family were opposed to it. . ... Go West, young man ! It is a charming place. Those who do not freeze to death in winter, get sunstruck in summer. The others get killed by a tornado. A. tramp, on seeing a sign which read. " To Louisville without change," wondered if he would be any better off in that city without change thau in this 4.N Irish gentleman found a potato bug walking over him the other evening, and when his wife came forward to kill the ugly baste wid a broomstick, he exclaimed : " Whist, ye ould fool, let the baste alone ; he thinks I'm Murphy. ' AN editor is pretty certain to lose a patron when his foremau inadvertnetly puts a marriage notice under the head of " Another Swindle Home to Light. The groom iustead of accepting the blunder as a new sample of American humor, gets awfully mad, and wanrs to murder somebody. . A Polite philosopher once thanked a lady who had been singing to a party for an hour by saying, " Madam, you hive wasted our time charmmgiy. When a man leaves our side and goes to the other side he is a traitor, and we always felt that there was'a subtle something wrong about him. But when a man leaves the other side, and comes over to us. then he is a man of great moral courage, and we always felt that he had sterling stuff in him. Behind its emerald covering the seductive cucumber conceals a row of double teeth, and woe to the man who enters the combat with it single handed. The cucumber never shows light until after it is down. Men have been known to wrestle all night with a cucumber and come o-.it second best in the looming. If a Frenchman attends his wife's funeral he always walks A certaiu newly-made widower, who had seemed inconsolable, went through the usual form. Afterwards some friends cilled expecting to find him plunged in the deepest grief. To their surprise he was quite lively. " Vraimont,'' he said, "cette petite promenade m'a fait du bleu." If I din't love you, .Tacit—if I had not known you all my life—nay. if you weren't my oldest, be3t, and dearest frien i— I should hold ray tongue ! But, being wliat we are to each other, I feel bound in common honesty to tell you that you paint worse every year 1 And that from the day you scut your first picture to the Academy, forty years ago, (and a precious bad picture it was, as I told you at the time), you have been steadily going down-hill!" A minister's in'e has frequent dissapointments. During the great revival a stolid, matter-of-fact farmer went into the inquiry room, aud was at once taken in hand by anxio, s and zealous workers He seemed to be visibly affected by the nymn that was suntf and after the prayer one or two tears were appa--3> discovered. When asked, "Brother, do you feel any change?" he made a rapid and instinctive movement of his hand in the direction of his vest pocket, and then settling back w his chair with a sigh, replied, "Not a cent; that's just what Im after." • ',•..'

A. mlan very much intoxicated was taken to the station-house. "Why did you not bail him out?' inquired a bystander of a friend. "Bail him out'" exclaimed the other; "why you could not pump him out." *'■-.' c Wicked gossips say that the Crown Princess of Germany encouraged her brother, the Duke of Connaught, to fall in love with Prince Frederick Charles' daughter, so as to keep the young lady from marrying the Crown Princess' own son. Queen Isabella's jewels, if they are selling at half price, are bringing in to her majesty quite a nice little sum in cash. Among the high priced lots thus far disposed of have been the butterfly brooch, 23,885 dol. ; a diamond necklace, 40,000 dol ; a brooch in the form of a flower, 16,300 dol.; SI emerald balls, with as many in brilliants, 15.320, dol. and the celebrated ear pendent, 62.000 dollars. Manufacture of Precious Stones.—At the last meeting of the Paris Academy of Science, MM. Feil and Fremy read a paper describing a new process for the manufacture of rubies and other precious stones. The sensation created by these wonderful experiments lias been so great that the Association of Jewellers iiave written to some of the papers asserting that it is impossible for human art to compete against nature., and that all the productions of art are valueless when set beside the natural product. M. Feil has already produced, by the same process as rubies, an immense number of stones which can be compared with the most admirable crystalline productions ; and M . Doubree, director of the School of Mines, has expressed a wish to open, in the public museum of the establishment, a gallery for the exhibition of artificial copies of minerals. Some of the new gems are so inexpensive that they may be used for ordinary decorative purpo-es. Dogs with Antipathies.—Crib, a wonderful dog, described by his proprietor as " an enemy of poachers, a friend of cats, and a connoisseur of gooseberries," while regailing himself upon his favorite fruit fresh from the bush, got stung by a wasp, bent upon gooseberry taking too, and experienced a new and never-to-be-forgotten sensation. Crib became convinced his vocation in life was to wage war upon wasps, and from that time devoted all his energies to their destruction ; and taking up an advantageous position under the bush he and his enemy most affected, snapped them as fast as they appeared without getting hurt himself. He, at any rate, had reasonable and just cause for th« antipathy he indulged, which is more than can be said in extenuation of the irreligious collie, whose habit it was to sneak out of his master's company as that gentleman took down his Family Prayers and rang for the servants. Purposely prevented one evening fmm making his usual exit, Koble took such pains to behave indecorously that it was judged wisest to let him have his way for the future ; and he was never known to make one of the nightly gathering again. An Ocean Romance. —" The Lady Midshipman" is the title of an ocean romance in the files of the last foreign mail. Fourteen months ago a good looking Irish girl, seventeen years old, took it into her head to go to New South Wales or Queensland. She accordingly went out as an emigrant to Queensland, where she obtained a situation as bar maid. While there she received a letter from her mother begging her to return home, and inclosing money to pay her passage. With this she bought men's clothes, and obtained a situation as second steward on board a steamer making short trips between Newcastle and Sydney. She remained on this vessel two or three months, and then thought she would like to go to England, and that she might as well work her passage over as pay for it. She sought and obtained a situation on board the Strathdon, a clipper ship plying between Sydney and London. The new hand did duty as well as could be desired, and became a favorite with the ship's company. When the vessel had been out about forty days, a communication was made to the captain which aroused his suspicions, and he accordingly taxed the supposed apprentice with being a woman. She admitted the soft impeachment, abandoned the forecastle, changed her uniform, and returned to Ireland like a lady.