Intelligent Vagrant.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 244, 22 July 1876, Page 13

Intelligent Vagrant.

Quis scit an adjiciant hodiernse crastina summaa Tempora Di Superi.— Horace. A Wellington merchant received the following telegram from Napier one day last —“ Sheehan arrived all safe and in good condition.” As the merchant in question does not take the smallest interest in our sample of Home-grown political genius, Mr. Sheehan, and has not even the honor of that gentleman’s acquaintance, this telegram astonished him. But he subsequently discovered that “ Sheehan ” was a telegraphic mistake and that “ Sheep have ” were meant, the telegram referring to the arrival of some well-bred sheep which the merchant had sent by steamer to Napier. He is now puzzled to find out how the telegraphist mixed up Sheehan with sheep, and scouts indignantly the idea of a friend that Mr. Sheehan being a lawyer, and lawyers being undoubtedly social sheep of a particular color, the mistake can be easily accounted for. Whoever arranges the sequence of the advertisements in the Evening Post must have a touch of grim humor. On Thursday night a gentleman informed the working classes that he “ performed funerals ” at moderate charges, and immediately underneath another gentleman announced that he had commenced practice as a doctor. It would really seem as if in some respects the performances of the one had a connection with the practices of the other. Has anyone noticed that Wellington juries make up their minds about a verdict with remarkable quickness, even when the case is one that would seem to offer unusual facilities for disagreeing ? If anyone has noticedjthe occurrence of the foregoing fact and is at all curious about it, I can supply an explanation. When a jury has been locked up a sufficient time for its members to grow hungry, the policeman, who keeps watch outside the door and feels tired of doing so, get 3 the station cook to send up a savory-smelling meal, and this he eats as close to the keyhole of the jury-room door as is consistent with the thorough enjoyment of the food. An agreeable odour penetrating into the room seldom fails to make the jury agree, and return a verdict in order to get something to eat themselves. But should it fail, the policeman has a potent remedy. He orders up a stiff glass of hot grog, with a slice of lemon in it, and that never fails of accomplishing the desired object. Nothing was more characteristic of Sir Goorge Grey than his lament that he had not been afforded time to prepare a set speech of sorrow for Doctor Featherston. All Sir George’s emotions, whether of honest indignation or decorous grief, take as careful making up as does the face of any young and charming actress. How different to the ex-Govern or was Mr. Fitzherbert, whose touching tribute to the worth of his own and his country’s friend was all the more felt by those who heard it, because it was spontaneous, and was, as Mr. Fitzherbert also said, none the worse for being spontaneous. Attending a place of worship, by accident, the other day, I noticed my esteemed friend Fipkins Hawyaw, Esq., occupying a prominent position in the choir. Knowing that he has

about as much voice as a stewed oyster, and as much knowledge of music as a crow, I took an opportunity of asking him subsequently what he wanted in the choir. “My dear fellow, said he, “pew rents are very high, Government only pay £3 a week ; by joining the . choir I 'get an excellent sitting for nothing, and when the singing is going on, I open my mouth and breathe hard, and I get credit for adding much to the volume and tone of the vocalisation.”

Not a bad story comes from the lobbies. Mr. Rees, whose tendency to open his mouth and talk on all possible occasions is well known, had just returned from his trip to Auckland. Meeting the member for Gadabout, who supports the Ministry, Mr. Rees said to him, “Ah, now I think I’ve done it pretty well this time. Made a speech in Auckland that has fixed the election for City West, played a game of football, and got back in time for the real fight of the session. Replied the member for Gadabout, “ Played football, did you ? I’m sorry to see you have got the foot-and-mouth disease.”

Competition is very brisk in the advertising line. In fact some enterprising newspaper proprietors, so long as they can get an advertisement from a shopkeeper, are willing to meet him more than half way, so far as regards payment. A gentleman who sells hams and cheese, in an evil moment, advertised the fact the other morning. He was disturbed at breakfast by the canvasser of an evening paper, who would not leave him until he had given an order for the insertion of the advertisement in the Evening Nuisance. At last he agreed to give the order at a charge sufficiently reasonable, and to be paid in ham. lam glad to see this mode of doing business showing up, for some friends of mine who are likely to benefit by it will have an opportunity of supplying themselves with soap.