Odds and Ends.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 241, 1 July 1876, Page 3

Odds and Ends.

A Noisome Place— A howling wilderness. Favorite jewellery for horse fanciers.—Studs. Fit accompaniment for a sheet of water—A spring bed.

It is said that nothing contributes so much to the “ music of the future” as matrimony. Shaksperb says, “ There is a tide in the affairs of men," but it appears to be pretty much all tied-back in the affairs of women.

A German actor refused to learn English on the ground that he could make nothing of a language where people wrote “ass” and then pronounced it “donkey."

M. Twain says : “ I am different from Washington; I have a higher and grander standard of principle. Washington could not lie. I can lie. But I won’t." “My Lord," began a pompous young barrister, “it is written in the book of Nature ” “On what page, sir,—on what page?” interrupted the judge, with pen in hand. An old Scotchwoman, whose favorite son was in the habit of swearing occasionally, was censured by her minister for not correcting him. “It’s vara wrong, minister," she admitted, “ but ye maun aloo that it sets off conversation miclitily.” _ A Severe Retort.—Soon after Lord ’s elevation to the peerage he happened to observe, in company, that authors were often very ridiculous in the titles they gave. “ That,” said a poet who was present, “is an error from which even kings appear not to be exempt.” Sweet Music.—Mamma: “Sing the Major something, dear. What would you like, Major?" The Major (who hath music in his soul) : “ Well-er—-what’s that song about Kathleen manoeuvrin’—where it says, ‘ It may be four years, and it may be for ever?’ I’d like that."

A _ spendthrift who had nearly wasted all his patrimony, seeing .an acquaintance in a coat not of the newest cut, told him he thought it had been his great grandfather’s coat. “So it was,” said the gentleman, “and I have also my great grandfather’s land, which is more than you can say." Legal Illustration.—A young Kentucky lawyer lately made his maiden speech in defence of a man charged with hog stealing. “ Gentlemen of the jury,” he woundup, “my client is no more guilty of stealing that hog than a frog that ain't got no tail. I thank you for your attention." of course the man was acquitted. “Who was the first man?” asked a school tercher of a little girl. She answered that she did not know The question was put to the next, an Irish child, who answered loudly, “Adam, sir," with apparent satisfaction. “ Lawq” said the first scholar contemptuously,' “you needn’t feel so grand about it—he wasn’t an Irishman !”

In Forma Pauperis.—A beggar some time ago applied.for alms at the door of a partisan of the AntiMendicity Society in Edinburgh. After vainly detailing his manifold sorrows, he was peremptorily dismissed by the inexorable gentleman. “Go away,” said he, “go; we canna gie ye naetliing. “You might, at least," returned the mendicant, with an air of great dignity and archness, “have refussed me grammatically. ”

A clergyman, says Vanity Fair, was “ turned down” at a fashionable spelling-bee for spelling drunkenness with one “n.” Shortly afterwards he returned to his parish, and found himself very coldly received by his parishioners. He sent for the parish clerk and asked him what was the cause. “ Well, sir,” replied the man, a report has come down here that you was turned out of a great lady’s house in London for drunkenness.

A gentleman in Paris paid a visit to a lady, in whose parlor he saw a portrait of a lovely woman of, say, five-and-twenty. Upon the entrance of the lady, her visitor naturally asked her if the picture was a family portrait, and was told that it represented her deceased daughter. “ Has it been long since you lost her?” asked the gentleman. “ Alas, sir!” replied the lady, “ she died just after her birth, and I had a portrait painted to represent her as she would have appeared if she had lived until now.” Knight, the actor, passing the evening among some friends in the City, was requested in his turn, to favor the company with a song. He politely declined, alleging that he was so indifferent a vocalist, that any attempt of his would rather disgust than entertain. One of the company, however, asserted that he had a very good voice, and said he had frequently bad the pleasure of hearing him sing. “That may be,” resumed the wit, “but as I am not a freeman, I have no voice in the city."

An elder!}' gentleman, accustomed to “indulge,” entered the room of a certain inn where sat a grave Friend by the fire. Lifting a pair of green spectacles upon his forehead, rubbing his inflamed eyes, and calling for hot brandy and water, he complained to his friend that “ his eyes were getting weaker and weaker, and that even spectacles didn’t seem to do them any good.” “ I’ll tell thee, friend.” replied the Quaker, “ what I think. If thee was to wear thy spectacles over thy mouth for a few mdntlis, thy eyes would get round again.” Some time back a man of notoriously bad character, residing in a village, wished to emigrate. To obtain assistance from the Emigration Commissioners one must hate a character, and the man accordingly asked one from his neighbors. Everyone was anxious he should go, and everybody therefore testified to his excellent reputation. No one was more astonished at this result than the man himself, and, after looking at his certificate, with its long list of signatures, “ Well,” said he, “I had no idea I was so much esteemed in the neighborhood ; I think I shall stay.” Pure Wines. —The other day a stranger entered a Detroit wineshop where four or five men were drinking, and in a loud voice, inquired for the proprietor. That person came forward, and the stranger said : “ I’m hard up, and I want to sell you a recipe. For two dollars I’ll show you how you can make a gallon of best Catawba wine out of twenty cents’ worth of drugs and whisky.” “Would you insult me?” cried the dealer. “ I have none but pure wines here ! Get out of my place, sir!” The man “got out,” but hadn’t gone far when a boy came running after him, and said, “Come round to the back door if you want to sell that recipe.” The Cornell University Era says that a professor went into a tool closet and locked the door, so as not to be disturbed, putting the key in his pocket. He forgot this, however, before he was ready to go out, and supposed some student had maliciously imprisoned him. He waited awhile, and then kicked, pounded, and shouted, but nobody heard him. After four hours he was released by the janitor, and the Era says : “When the professor sat down to his newspaper after supper that evening, and happening to put his hand into his pocket found the key to that closet, he immediately went into the back yard and ran a wheelbarrow back and forth over himself.” A story is told of a dandified attache at Constantinople who travelled into Koordistan, intending to copy Layard and write a book. He was what he called “roughing” it, with seven or eight horses carrying his necessaries— i.e. a few things he could not possibly do without. Among them were the wooden frames for cleaning his boots and shoes, and a case of bottles of a particularly fine varnish for his polished leathers. He was attacked by Arabs, who overhauled his kit. When they came to the bottles they opened them, and the varnish being made with Madeira and scented with all sorts of good things, it smelt so nice that the thieves though it must be something to drink. In vain did he explain that it was paint for his boots. They were sure that it was too delicious for that, and, in order to try, he should drink some ; so they took out one of his own cut-glass tumblers, and made him drink a glass of his own boot varnish.