Odds and Ends.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 230, 5 February 1876, Page 3

Odds and Ends.

Hush Money.—Nurse's wages. A Young Shaver.-—A barber's baby. Sound Undertaking. Getting up a concert. Carvers of their own Fortunes.—Butchers. What kind of paper most resembles a sneeze ? Tissue paper. The Hardest Thing to Deal With. An old pack of cards. When does a man's right leg become his left leg ? AVhen the other is cut off. At a recent lottery in Mississippi, only one man drew a prize ; all the rest drew pistols. Why are Children like Jellies ?—Because as they are moulded so they will turn out. Why is a man who lets houses likely to have a good many cousins ?—Because he has ten-ants. Madame Roland defined marriage as an institution in which one person undertakes to provide happiness for two. Match and Flame.—An Aberdeen girl supposes that the reason she has never kindled a flame in any man's heart is because she is not a good matcJi. There are six girls to one young man at Niagara Falls and Saratoga. Young men do not go to such places any longer, or if they do, they never marry anybody they see there. A convention of Waterville girls has "resolved that it would be a good deal nicer to be squeezed by the boys, only they do not know how to do it so well as the married men." "Every tree is subject to disease," said a speaker in a fruit-growers' convention. " What ailment can you find in oak ?" asked the chairman. " A-corn," was the triumphant reply. There has been published recently a little book entitled "How to Court." The man who lacks instinctive knowledge on this subject will never learn anything about it from books. One Aberdonian asked another if he believed in the appearance of spirits. "No," was the reply ; " but I believe in their disappearance, for I missed a bottle since last night." Grattan once said to a lady, who asked him what was the subject of a letter he was reading, "It is a secret." " Well, but tell it now." " No; I would trust my life in your hands, but not a secret." A man who had lost his mother-in-law called at a hat shop to get the requisite crape put on his hat. " How wide do you want it ?" was asked. " Well," he replied, " I think a wide shoestring will do." A young man fell in love with his minister's maidservant, but lacked the courage to tell her so. At last he met her one evening fetching home the cows, and seeing a bright new handkerchief round her neck, he said: " That's a bonnie hankie ye have on, Mary." " Wo'd ye like it, John?" she asked. ."Ay, an' I yersel' tae, Mary." He got both.

Con.—Why is a church bell more affable than a church organ ? —Because one will go when it's tolled, but the other will be " blowed" first. A brilliant young gentleman remarked, the other day, to a lady with whom he was bowling tenpins, "I think, miss, that you would make a capital baker." "Indeed, sir, why?" "Because you make such excellent rolls." A new feature in the management of hotel diningrooms has been introduced at a Kentucky resort. One hundred negro waiters, all wearing white spiketail coats, run on roller skates and bear delicious viands to the guests with lightning speed. Youthful Benevolence. —" Well, my boy," said a father to his eight-year-old son the other night, "what have you done to-day that may be set down as a good deed ?" "I gave a poor boy a penny," replied young Hopeful. "Ah, ah! that was charity, and charity is always right. He was an orphan boy, was he?" "I didn't stop to ask," replied the son; "I gave him the money for licking a boy who called me names." There is an old story about a clergyman leaving his parrot, squirrel, and monkey in a room together, and returning to find that a terrible tripartite fight had occurred. The feathers had been pulled from the back of the parrot, the monkey had lost pieces of flesh from various parts of his body, and the squirrel's tail had been bitten off. The parrot was perched disconsolately on the back of a chair, and, upon the entrance of the clergyman, it explained, in a pitiful tone, " We've had an awful time." He Would Not Understand.—The captain of a steamboat, seeing an Irishman smoking away abaft the wheelhouse, stepped up to him and said: — "Don't you see that notice stuck up there?" "D'ye mane that bit o' painted tin ?"' "To be sure I do. Why don't you follow it?" "I haven't seen it move—its's nailed fast. I'm considerin'." " I mean, have you read that notice?" "Divil a bit ; I don't know how to rade." " Well, it says, "No smoking allowed here." '•' Be the powers ! it don't consarn me a smile, thin, for I never smoked aloud in my i life." Reading the Line. —In the parish church of Fettercairn, a custom existed of the precentor, on communion Sabbaths, reading out each line of the psalm or paraphrase before it was sung by the congregation. On one Communion Sunday the precentor observed the family of Eglinton approaching the tables, and saw that they were likely to be kept out by those who pressed in before them. Being very zealous for their accommodation, he called out to an individual whom he considered to be principal obstacle in the passage—- " Come back, Jock, and let in the noble family of Eglinton ;" and then, turning to his psalmbook, he took it up and went on to read the line—" Nor stand in sinners' way." Denver, Colorado, gives an instance of a joke being carried too far. It was perpetrated years ago, but only lately came to light in public dress. Some time after the Atlantic cable had been established a telegraph operator at Denver sent the following despatch : —" To the Emperor Napoleon, Garden of the Tuilleries, Paris, France. Governor Gilpin will not accede to the .cession of Italy to France. Please let Bohemia alone." The operator supposed it would make some fun in the Omaha office, and stop there, as the station agents had a general understanding in regard to each other's jokes. By some hook or crook the despatch went on, and dived under the ocean, and came up smiling in the garden of the Tuilleries, in France. The manner of its reception by Napoleon is lost to history. All that is known is that the Emperor did not pay for it, and the facetious operator was hunted up and obliged to pay a bill of 187 dollars 50 cents in gold for his little joke. That operator was entirely satisfied with the result of Sedan. Cottle, in his "Life of Coleridge," relates the following amusing incident: —" I led the horse to the stable, when a fresh perplexity arose. I removed the harness with difficulty ; but, after many strenuous attempts, I could not remove the collar. In despair, I called for assistance, when aid soon drew near. Mr. Wordsworth brought his ingenuity into exercise ; but, after several unsuccessful efforts, he relinquished the achievement as a thing altogether impracticable. Mr Coleridge now tried his hand, but showed no more grooming skill than his predecessors; for, after twisting the poor horse's neck almost to strangulation and the great danger of his eyes, he gave up the useless task, pronouncing that the horse's head must have grown (gout or dropsy ?) since the collar was put on ; for he said it was a downright impossibility for such a huge osfrontis to pass through so narrow a collar. Just at that instant a servant-girl came near, and understanding the cause of our consternation, ' La, master,' said she, ' you don't go about the work in the right way. You should do like this;' when, turning the collar completely upside down, she slipped it off in a moment, to our great humiliation and wonderment, each satisfied afresh that there were heights of knowledge in the world to which we had not yet attained." A philosopher writes—" The girl is generally educated on novels, and her first disappointment comes in on the quiet indifference of the husband after the honeymoon. ' You love me no longer,' said a bride of a few months to her better-half in his gown and slippers. 'Why do you say that?' he asked, quietly, removing a cigar from his lips. ' You do not caress me, nor call me pet names. You no longer seek anxiously for my company,' was the tearful answer. 'My dear,' continued the aggravating wretch, ' did you ever notice a man running after a conveyance ? How he does run—over stones, through mud, regardless of everything—till he reaches the conveyance. And he seizes hold and swings on. Then he quietly seats himself and reads his paper.' 'And what does that mean?' 'An illustration, my dear. The conveyance is as important to the man after he gets in as when he is chasing it; but the manifestation is no longer called for. I would have shot any one who put himself in my way when in pursuit of you, as I would now shoot any one who would come between us. But, as a proof of my love, you insist upon my running after the conveyance. Learn to smoke, my dear, and be a philosopher. The two combined clear the brain, quiet the nerves, open the pores, and improve digestion."