Odds and Ends.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 214, 16 October 1875, Page 3

Odds and Ends.

Women are like houses—the longer they are to-let the more dilapidated they become. A newspaper advertises book-binders’ skins for sale— and this is the nineteenth century. ■ Bad temper bites at both ends ; it makes one’s self nearly as miserable as it does other people— Arthur Helps. A little girl sent out to hunt eggs came back unsuccessful, complaining that “lots of hens were standing roifnd doing nothing.” To a squire who was boasting of his horse’s speed, Foote, the witty comedian, replied “Pooh ! my horse will stand faster than your’s can gallop.” A philosopher asserts that the reason why ladies’ teeth decay sooner than the gentlemen’s, is because of the friction of the touguo and the sweetness of their lips. When a playful lad is sliding down a sand-bank, with a heart full of careless joy, and a pair of summer pantaloons, nothing more quickly turns the current of his thoughts than a slide on a brier. “I HATE anything that occupies more space than it is worth,” says William llazlitt ; “I hate to see a load of bandboxes go along the street, and I bate to see a parcel of big words without anything in them," Virginia once more comes to the front with the sword of Lord Cornwallis, exhumed near Richmond this time. This only makes thirteen swords, and you know Cornwallis had over forty buckled around him. —Detroit Free Press.

Philadelphia gives employment to no less than 00,000 women—chiefly in exhibiting their Spring bonnets on Chesnut-street. There are twenty-threo men in a Turkish monastery who have not seen a woman sinco infancy. Lucky dogs 1 Probably every shirt they have has all the buttons on. It has been reserved to an African gcntloman of color to turn his name Smith into the most insideout likeness to Smith yet known. He calls himself Sympthathy. The Springfield Republican says that wo shall come to regard intemperance as we are coming to regard bad drainage and smallpox, as a nuisance which it is for the interest of every property-owner and citizen to suppress by combination of private effort and public authority. Proof Positive.—Old Lady (who sleeps badly): Now, Mary, if I should want to light my candle, are the matches there?” Mary: “Yes, ma’m, there’s wan.” Old Lady : “ One ! Why, if it misses fire, or won’t light-—Mary: “Oh, divil a fear of it, ma’m. Sure I timed it:” The Troy Times says : “It is a fact that a wellknown politician of this city frequently bargains to head subscription lists for charitable ‘and other purposes with a liberal figure, the understanding being that he shall not be called upon to pay a cent. His liberality is the magnet that attracts others. Words are good, but there is something better. The best is not to be explained by words. The spirit in which we act is the chief matter. Action can only be understood and represented by the spirit. No one knows what lie is doing while he is acting rightly, but of what is wrong wo are always conscious. —Goethe. Dan, said a little four-year-old, “ give me a sixpence to buy a monkey?” “ We have got one monkey in the house now,” replied the elder brother. “ Who is it, Dan ? ” asked the little fellow. “ You,” was the reply. “ Then give me sixpence to buy the monkey some nuts.” The brother could not resist. One of the best bits lately made in any satirical London paper has appeared in the Hornet, one of the numerous competitors of Punch. It is short and sharp, as follows: “ The papers are filled with articles upon ‘ Germany and the Peace of Europe !’ But Germany does not want any piece of Europe—she requires the whole.”

A Highlander was one day examining a picture by one of the old masters, in which angels were represented blowing trumpets. He enquired if angels really ever played on trumpets, and being answered in the affirmative, made the following remark :—“ Hech, sirs, but they maun be easily pleased wi’ music ! I wonder they didna borrow a pair o’ bagpipes.” “Doctor,” said an old lady, “I’m so troubled in my sleep. Last night I saw grandfather, who has been dead thirty years.” “What did you eat before you went to bed?” asked the doctor. “Nothing but half a mince-pie.” “Well if you had eaten the other half, you might also have seen your grandmother.”

A certain clerk in a western village recently made the following comment on Pocahontas. Said he: “ Pocahontas was a great man; Pocahontas was a kindhearted and true man.” “ Hold on!” cried his champion ; “ Pocahontas was a woman.” “She was, eh ?” said he. “Well, that’s just my luck. How am I expected to know? I never read the Bible.” We have received a poem, of which the last stanza is as follows :

“ But should I unsuccessful prove In all the fond intrigs of love— Should they despise me and my wealth, I’ll buy a gun and shoot myself.” On the whole we think it is the best thing the author can do. We particularly admire the last line. Sheridan once told of the excellent good-breeding of a banker’s clerk, of whom the wit had borrowed some money, and to whom he actually repaid it. “Didn’t he look astonished?” asked a discourteous friend. “No," said Sheridan, “he was just going to look astonished, when ho remembered his manners, and swept away the money as unconcernedly as if he had not given up any idea of seeing it again.” Pins and Needles.—' What should you lend to an importunate borrower?—A deaf ear. Who should publish Mr. Longfellow’s works in this country ? Why, Mr. Longman, to be sure. Why should a lawyer make a good soldier ’—Because he is good at a charge. When does a lawyer work like a horse ? When lie draws a conveyance. When may the lawyer’s clerk be said to have seen much of the world ? When lie has witnessed many deeds. Wolves in sheep’s clothing—Lawyersamong their parchments. An article that is generally left out in packing the Derby hamper —The Epsom salts. Eminent Jews.— A writer in the British and Foreign Evangelical Review points out that the Jews in modern times have acquired an influential place in European politics. The Premier of England is a Jew. In France, tlio late Minister of Public Worship and Education, Jules Simon, and the ex-Dictator, Gambetta, are Jew’s. The most powerful statesmen in the new German Empire, next to Prince Bismarck, is Lasker the Jew, the leader of the National-Liberai party in the Imperial Diet. In the little Hanseatic Republic of Hamburg more than two-tliirds of the members of the House of Representatives are Jews.

Curious Matrimonial Advertisement.— What a position is that of a fond mother ! Who can read the following suggestive appeal, cut from the Irish Times of 2nd July, without a heart-throb? “Matrimony.—A mother, suffering from a mortal disease, and longing to see her two daughters suitably married before she leaves this world, wishes to meet to gentlemen ; respectable parentage, minimum income £IOO, age under 40. Girls are good-humored, trained housekeepers, very handsome ( advertiser can guarantee this), ages 22 and 19, eldest very sensible, youngest a little flighty, fortunes £3OO each. Enclose carte, &c. —Address Y, 72,.office of this paper.” Food for Lean People. —lf any one wishes to grow fleshy, a pint of milk before retiring at night will cover the scrawniest bones. Although nowadays we see a great many fleshy females, yet there are many lean and lank ones who sigh for the fashionable measure of plumpness, and who would be vastly improved in health and appearance could their figure be rounded with good solid flesh. Nothing is more coveted by thin women than a full figure, and nothing else will so arouse the ire and provoke the scandal of one of the “ clipper-builds” as the consciousness of plumpness in a rival. In cases of fever and summer-com-plaint, milk is now given with excellent results. The idea that milk is feverish has exploded, and it is now the physician’s great reliance in bringing through typhoid patients, or those in too low a state to be nourished by solid food. It is a great mistake to scrimp the milk-pitcher. A New Way to be Beautiful.— Master Frankwas in a brown study. lie had been taken up-stairs into the drawing-room to see his new aunt—that is to say, the wife of his Uncle William, who was only recently married ; and this was her first visit after the wedding tour. Master Frank had behaved with great propriety during the interview, but had gone away so grave and thoughtful that his nurse was a little disturbed by such an unusual state of affairs. “Why, Frank, what arc you thinking about !” said she, “don’t you like your new auntie?” “Not much,” replied the matter-of-fact Frank. “And why not, Frankie?” “ Because she is not pretty, like mamma.” “ Oh, but, my dear, you ought not to dislike your auntie for that. I’m sure your aunt was very good to you, and it is better to be good than pretty any day.” “Is it?” asked Frank, wonderingly. “Certainly, dearie, for one may be pretty outside and ugly inside—one may have a pretty face, and an ugly temper.” (The worthy old party, you will observe, was rather awkward in her modes of expression.) “ Well, but,” said Frankie, slowly—“ well, but is auntie pretty inside, do you think 1 Because ” Here Frankie stopped. “Of course she is, dear. But ‘ because’what ?” “ Why, because ” and here an intelligent look darted into tho boy’s sweet blue eyes, “ because— why don’t they turn her inside out then ?” Judy.