Varieties.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 118, 19 July 1873, Page 9

Varieties.

About the commonest social vice, and one most abhorred, is advice. What is that from which, if you take the whole, some will remain ? The word wholesome. There is a ship now sailing from Holland which was built in 1658. She passed the Cape of Good Hope in October, 1864, being at that time 224 years old. An active little girl, whose parents adopted the repression system of keeping the Sabbath, once confidently informed a visitor that she ‘ would like to be a minister, so that she could holler on Sunday.’ Nobody ever stands in the horse cars at Lavensworth, Kan. When a gentleman enters a car, the nearest young lady rises and offers him a seat. She then sits in his lap and both are satisfied. Two men exert themselves to no purpose —one is the man who tries to have the last word with his wife ; and the other is he who, having had the last word, tries to make her confess that she is in the wrong. This is the way a Waupaca justice of the peace divorced a couple he had married a year before. lie stood them in the middle of the floor, backs together, and as they walked away from each other, he repeated the marriage ceremony backwards. An Irishman passing through a village near Chester, Penn., saw a crowd approaching, which made him inquire what was the matter. He was answered : ‘ A man is going to be buried.’ * Oh,’ replied he, ‘ I'll Btop to see that, for we carry them in the old country.’ A Western reporter died of brain fever the other day ; he tried to take notes of a discourse that his mother-in-law was making for the benefit of the family, and the swiftness with which he was obliged to work overstrained his mental organisation. A Scranton man who went home the other evening and found his house locked up, after infinite trouble managed to gain entrance through a back window, and then discovered on the parlor table a note from his wife, reading :— ‘ I have gone out; you will find the key on the step.’

What form of government is the most popular nowadays ? —Reform. A short time since, a surgeon was called as a witness, for the purpose of proving damages in an action of assault. ! He deposed that he had bled the plaintiff; and being asked if bleeding had been necessary, candidly answered, ‘We always find it necessary to do something when sent for.’ A Massachusetts paper tells of a colored woman who had been lately' converted but was so unfortunate as to fly into a passion over the misdoings of one of her neighbor’s youngsters. Her mistresa remarked upon the impropriety of such conduct in the case of one about to join the church, and received this frank response : ‘ I have ’sperieneed religion, an’ I’se gwine to jine de church, but, Miss B , I’ll scaid dat nigger fust!’ ‘When Greek Meets Greek.’ —Scene —District court in a colony.— Scotch Judge (with a very marked pug nose) Weel, noo, sir, if ye gae along the ro’d in question, where’ll ve gang tae? Scotch witness (deliberately)—That a’ depends, yer honor, on how far ye gae ! Judge (snappishly) —\e understan’ vara weel, sir. If ye follow yer nose, mon, where’ll ye gang till ? Witness (after a pause)*— Ah’ve always heered it said, yer honor, that if ye follow yer nose too far, it’ll tak’ ye t’ the moon ! Judge—Step doon, sir ! (In an angry aside) —The moil’s a fule! Humor in the House.— A certain corridor of the House of Commons has posted up in it at the present moment a notice which calls forth a good deal of wit. It appears that a Mr lost a sovereign somewhere in the House, and be thought that the best plan was to advertise the fact, consequently the notice in question was put up, and in its original form ran thus: —‘Lost, a sovereign. If found. Mr will be gratified if it is left with Mr The second edition of the notice contained the heading, ‘A Sad Case.’ and the word ‘bad’ was introduced before ‘ sovereign.’ In the next edition a conundrum was added— ‘ Why is Mr like Spain? Answer: Because ‘ he’s lost his sovereign. .’ To which some satirical wag added the words. Incorrect, for Spain, threw the sovereign away.’ The last amendment up to the date of the notice is to the effect that 30s reward is offered for the recovery of the ‘ bad’ sovereign.— ‘ Court Journal.’ Josh Billings on Silence. —Silence iz a still noise. One ov the hardest things for a man to do is to keep still. Everybody wants tew be heard fust, as this iz jist what fills the world with nonsense. Everybody wants tew talk, few want to think, and nobody wants to listen. The greatest talkers among the feathered folks are the magpie and the ginny hen, and neither of them are of much account. If a man aint sure he his right, the best kard he lean play iz a blank one. I have known menny a man tew beat in an argument by just noddiug his head once in a while, and simply say, ‘ jess so, jess so.’ It takes a grate menny blows to drive in a nail, but one will clench it. Sum men talk just as a French pcwiy trots, all day long, in a half bushel meazzure. Silence never makes enny blunders, and alwuz gins az much credit az iz due it, and ofttimes more. When i see a man listening to me cluss i alwuz say to miself, ‘look out, Josh, that fellow iz taking your meazzure.’ I hav heard men argy a pint two hours and a haff and not get any further from where they started than a mule in a bark mill, they did a good deal ov going round and round. I hav sat on jurys and had a lawer talk the law, fakts and evidence of the case all out ov me, besides starting the taps on mi boots. I hav been te.w church hungry for some gospel and cum hum so phull of it that I couldn’t draw a long breth without starting a button. Brevity and silence are two grate kards, and next to sayii g nothing, saying a little is the strength ov the game. One thing is certain, it is only the grate thinkers who can afford to be brief, and there has been but few volumes yet published which could not be cut down, two-thirds, and ov menny ov them could be cut clean back to the title page without hurting them. It is hard tew find a man ov good sense who caD look back upon enny occasion and wish he had sed sum more, but it is easy tow find menny who wish they had said less. A thing sed is hard tew recall, but unsed it can be spoken at enny time. Brevity is the child ov silence, and is a great credit tew the old man. Cincinnati is building a huge sausage for the Vienna exhibition, that will require the Great Eastern to tow it across the ocean, after it has been floated down the Ohio and Mississippi to the Gulf. It was made in sections in a railroad tunnel, the hogs being driven in by the hundred, and then subjected to hydraulic pressure. Hid the man who ploughed seas, and afterward planted his foot upon native soil, ever harvest his crops ? If you make love to a widow who has a daughter twenty years younger than herself, begin by declaring that you thought they were sisters. g