Varieties.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 117, 12 July 1873, Page 9

Varieties.

It is said that female compositors ' set up' their copy very rapidly, being anxious to get the last word.

A manufacturer advertises a patent shoe that will prevent horses from ' balling.' Spiner says this is not a new idea, as Mr S. has used a shoe often to stop the young Spiners bawling.

A short man does not fall in love with a tall woman ; he climbs up to her. StTGOESTiVE.-Bishop Massong, in Tong King, has addressed to one of his friends a letter in which he says, ' The native priests, wishing to givemeacomplimentary gift, consulted together, and bought me—a coffin.'

A writer says, ' Fathers, remembering their own boyhood, should make some little allowance for their children.' But the trouble is that many children, after spending their ' allowance,' get into debt for double the amount.

The Female Mosquito.—Just what we expected. It turns out that it is the female mosquito that makes all the noise, does all the stinging, and occasions the deplorable amount of profanity wasted on these insects.—' San Francisco Paper.' ' I suppose,' said a physician, smiling and trying to be witty while feeling the pulse of a patient who had reluctantly submitted to solicit his advice, 'I suppose you think me a bit of a humbug?' ' Sir,' gravely replied the sick man, ' I was not aware that you could discover a man's thoughts by feeling his pulse. A Singular Bequest. The Hon. R. B. Cranston, of Newport, Rhode Island, formerly member of the House of Representatives, Washington, and postmaster of New York, who died on the 27th ult., aged 81, has left by will 75,000 dollars to the poor persons of the city of Newport ' who are too honest to steal, and too proud to beg.' His executors will doubtless have some difficulty in distributing this singular bequest. There is a story of a doctor who went to settle in a village out West, and on the first night of his arrival was sent for to attend a sick child. He looked at the little sufferer very attentively, and then delivered this oracular opinion :—• This hyar babe's got the small-pox, and I ain't posted up on pustules. We must approach this case by circular treatment You give the fittle cuss this draught. That'll send him into fits. Then send for me. I graduated on fits.' • What do you call that ?' indignantly asked a customer at a cheap restaurant, pointing at anobject thathe had discovered in his plate of hash, « Wristband with sleeve-button attached, sir,' said the waiter, briskly. ' Well, do you consider that a proper thing for a man to find in his hash ?' asked the customer in wrath. * Good gracious, sir,' cried the waiter, 'would you expect to find a ten-dollar silk umbrella in a fifteen-cent plate of hash ?' —' American paper.' The Latest Enoch Abden. —Schenectady has the latest Enoch Ardenism. Husband was gone sixteen years; wife became the third spouse of a wealthy citizen, and when her husband returned to look into the window (figuratively, for he went squarely into the door), she j asked the wealthy citizen to whom he should leave his property. 'To my children,' said he, • children by my first wife.' * Then I shall have to leave you ;' and she did, in company with her first and earliest.

Just his Tkade.—The Rev. George More was riding to Howgate, in the vicinity of the city. The day was stormy, snow falling heavily. Mr More was enveloped in a Spanish cloak, with a woman's shawl tied round his neck and shoulders. The loose garments covered with snow, and waving in the blast, startled the horse of a commercial travel*

ler .who chanced to ride past. The alarmed steed plunged, and menaced to throw its rider, who exclaimed —* You would frighten the devil, sir I' * May be/ cooly said Mr More, ' for it's just my trade.'

An Irish clergyman, who was a hard labourer on his glebe, and when so occupied dressed in a very ragged manner, was recently engaged attending the early potato field, when he was surprised by the very rapid approach of his patron in an open carriage, with some ladies whom he was to meet at dinner in the afternoon. Unable to escape in time, he drew his hat over his face, extended his arms covered with his tattered jacket, and passed himself off as a scarecrow.

Sir Nicholas Bacon being once, in the capacity of Judge, on the point of passing sentence upon a fellow just found guilty of robbery, the culprit greatly importuned him to save his life, and, among other things, alleged he had the honour of being one of his lordship's relations. 'How do you prove that ?' said Sir Nicholas. 'My lord,' replied the man, 'your name is Bacon, and my name is Hog, and hog and bacon have in all ages been reckoned akin' ' That is true/ answered the judge ; ' but hog is never bacon until it has been hung, and, therefore, until you are hung, you can be no relation of mine.' One style of bonnet is called the "Mansard," because it takes a great deal of "mans-hard earnings to pay for one of them "

Here is an authentic instance of true and faithful.love :—A Pittsfield schoolgirl, in order to convince a jealous boy that she liked him better than some other urchin, exclaimed, " Of course,' I like you better than Bill, for don't I miss words in my spelling lesson on purpose, so as to be down at the foot of the class where you are."

" writing in the last " Australasian" on the education question, remarks that the clergy are conspicuous by their absence on the newly-ehosen school boards. "A very few," he says, "have been elected, and these are well known as holders of liberal and unsectarian views. Priestcraft and education don't run well in double harness. So think the laity, who are bound to have more of their own way than when subjected to the gentle moral tyranny of the associated parson. Free from this, laymen will take a vigorous practical interest in the cause of education, which can scarely fail in producing the happiest results. Beyond the confines of the colony the influence of free education will be felt, and our newly adopted system will have its effect on the good cause in England." In the suit brought by General Forster, M.P., and others, against the Secretary of State for India, it was decreed that the defendant should pay £30,000 in the "Arms suit," with interest at 12 per cent from February, 1836. The money has just been paid. The interest for thirtyseven years amounted to £133,318, making with the principal £163,318.