SUPPLY AND DEMAND

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXXVII, Issue 23773, 28 September 1940, Page 5 (Supplement)

SUPPLY AND DEMAND

By DENIS DUNN, Illustrated by MINHINNICK

NEVER be a Supply Officer. The Supply Officer in the Army is regarded by his colleagues as a combination of Selfridge, Dan Leno, Daddy Christmas, and darn fool.

I have a stuffy little office and a whopping big secretary. Man named Peabody. (Private Peabody used to be a plumber in .private life, and with the Army's sense of fitness he was naturally chosen to work my typewriter.)

I had had an irritating morning. 1 was trying to obtain 123 ground sheets we had not got, and wanted, and trying to get rid of' two miles of copper wire we didn't, but had. Then tho beautifully-attired and languid Major Chipping strolled in to make the day a joy. "I need," he said, casually, "100 suits of underwear —colonial type."

"Male or female?" I asked, interestedly. "Also," he said, icily, "I want fifty fence posts, four portable cookers, 2000 tins of pressed beef, and a hammer." "Ah —a picnic?" I smiled.

"Hor! Hor! Hor!" said my confidential secretary. "Down, Peabody!" said the major, and strolled languidly away. This sort of tiling goes on all day. As a matter of fact it was a quiet session. Apart from an angry sapper who wanted 3000 baffle plates and a screwdriver, and a hopping-mad fieldofficer whose wliolo soul was crying out for an anti-airciaft gun, we had an easy morning. 1 decided to get on with my arrears of correspondence. "Take a letter, Peabody!" "It's as good as took/' said my disciplined staff. •'To Central Supply. Section 9. Dump 4b. "Sir, —I have the honour to report that the last consignment of boots, ammunition, 500, arrived as ordered. Unfortunately they are all for the left foot, and as we are running a battalion, and not a flock of flaming storks, I would be grateful for an early settlement. "I have the honour to be, etc."

The reply only took a week. "Sir, —In reference to yours of the 9th ult, if you will return boots, ammunition, 500, to Central Supply, we shall see that the error is rectified. "We have the honour to be, etc."

After giving a magnificent imitation of a soul in thrall, the colonel allowed mo a squad to pack and send back the boot 3. The rectified issue arrived by the very next month. "Take a letter, Peabody." "Sir I" "Gentlemen, —Yours to hand. I acknowledge receipt of rectified order for boots, ammunition, 500. The new consignmont lias just been checked. 1 must congratulate you upon the subtlety of your humour. Sending back 500 for the right foot only was a mot which disarms me. Would be glad to know if you think our men are a parcel of contortionists. "I have the misfortune to remain, etc." That letter stirred them up G.H.Q.! They got down to it properly, and bang on the stroke of two months

later, Peabody handed me tlieir reply. "Sir, —Our code experts have deciphered your last communication. Wo would remind you that according to Army Order 3-B, Section 2, letter.;

should not be written in Sanskrit. (Oh, Peabody, Pen body!) However, we note tho error in re boots, ammunition, 500, and if you will return same, the matter will be given immcdiato attention. "We have the honour "to remain., etc." The colonel granted me another packing squad with a snarl like a starving wolf. And,l lost my temper. I blasted Peabody from the top of his groaV mutton head to tho soles of his great flat feet. "Give mo that machine," I snarled. "I will draft the reply!" And I did! "Gentlemen, —About this traditional little matter of boots, ammunition, 500. 1 am an understanding man. Your previous issues obviously show that you believe our unit to consist of many patriotic but one-legged men. This, gentlemen, although feasible, is, j assure you, a canard. Could I have footgear for my hard-working and neglected males, this decade if possible? "I have the madness to remain, etc." Five days later we were astonished and irked to receive 500 horseshoes in little wooden boxes!

As Peabody pointed out, "You have to be careful with a typewriter, sir. It is so easy to make errors. I mean to say, sir, writing 'mules' for 'males.' " "Peabody," I said, brokenly, "take a resignation!"