CURRENT HUMOUR

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXXVII, Issue 23601, 9 March 1940, Page 13 (Supplement)

CURRENT HUMOUR

A retired, naval chaplain performed eight wedding ceremonies in an hour, flight knots is good going. "I dug for, two hours in the garden," gavs a writer, "and then realised that 1 was a little stiff.'' Wed. he said it! Savs our youngest secretary: Hut wouldn't it be safer to join the Salvation Army!*"' The best way to waken a man is to tickle.hi* bare feet, says a doctor.. Oh. well, another little job won t do the sergeant-major any harm. FIRST AID An A.R.'P.. warden was returning from duty when he saw a man doubled lip on the white line in the middle oi the road. He went over and helped the man to his I'eet, then, asked it he was hurt. "Hurt ? No.*' replied the reveller, "I rn only winding up this bandage. MADE IT FLY Jories (dismally): "Yes, I had a bit in the bank not long ago, but since I became engaged it has all gone." : Friend: "Expensive game, eh? Never mind, love makes the world go round, you know " Jones: "Very likely, but J never thought it would go round fast enough to make me lose mv balance."

According to an economist, there is a lot to be said in favour of women having men's wages. And lots of wives say it. "Wear shoes." says an advertisement, "and you can always count on your feet." Frankly, we find it handier to do it on our fingers. A man in a flooded district earned 2os. in one day transporting womr.il across n flooded street. He insisted, we understand, on the cash-and-carry principle of doing business. GOOD AS A NOD Doctor: "Why do you want to be oured of winking? Does it matter so verv much?" Patient: "Matter! T should say it does. I wandered into an auction sale this morning, and now I own three grand pianos, four carpets, and a parrot!" TAKING THE TIP Visitors to the house in the daytime made so much noise that the night nurse could not get sufficient rest. One dav (she mentioned this to the doctor, who wrote a large notice bearing the words—"Please remember the night nurse, M and placed it on the hall table. Next evening when she came on duty, she found beneath the notice a shilling, a sixpence, and fourpence in coppers.

An army physical-training expert reveals that the favourite P.T. exercise to-day is club-swinging. Many an old soldier will sigh and recall wlien it used to be lead. " Hitler keeps one eye on Goering and one on Himmler," declares a Dutch journalist. We've otten w'ondered how a really good squint woidd look with that moustache. "Compared with the Maginot Line," declares a military engineer, "the Siegfried Line is little more than a showpiece in parts." The German High Command, however, is said to be definitely against t lie idea of renaming it the Ziegfeld Line. ENCORE The boxer who knew practically every trick in the game finally met his match. In the third round ho found himself flat on his back, listening to the referee counting over him. "One," roared the referee, "two — three—f o u r—fi v e—s i x—se v en" The fighter reached up and grabbed the referee's wrist. "I'm a little hard of hearing," he interrupted "Would you mind repeating that?"

ANOTHER WAR PROBLEM He had just returned from his honeymoon and taken a house in an area where evacuated children were being billeted. Before his first day back at work had ended he received the following telegram from his wife: "Darling, eome home at once —have four babies." HELP! An armed bandit dashed into the post office. "Hands up!" he shouted to the assistant. "Let me have the cash, stamps and postal orders, quick!'[ The nervous assistant licked his lips. "F-fnrther up the counter," he stammered. "This is the dog licence department." REASON WHY "What on earth is the matter with this shaving-brush?" stormed the husband. "It's as hard as iron and won't bend at all. It was as right as ninepence yesterday morning." "It certainly was all right yesterday, dear," replied his wife. "When ] touched up the paint in the bathroom ifc was in splendid condition."