CURRENT HUMOUR

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXXVI, Issue 23405, 22 July 1939, Page 5 (Supplement)

CURRENT HUMOUR

"Most women dispose of the average* man in two words," states a feminist, "i will." A famous barrister is compiling a list of Famous- Last Words. He will include, „o presume, the well-known "Yes, dear.'' " a Swiss scientist claims to have produced a ray that will split anything open. No picnic party should bo without one. Angry guide: "Why didn't, you shoot*that tiger?" Timid hunter: "He —he didn't have the right' kind of expression for a rug." "A rich man must employ a valet, n laundrpss. a secretary, a, cook and a housekeeper." "Yes—and the poor man jusb gets married." _____ "A father should treat his son considerately in most things, but very sternly as regards finance," assorts a writer. In fact, his kindness should be unremitting. A milk-bottle thrown at a rat by a Leicester' woman hit the concrete wall of the kitchen and her husbaifd was cut b'v a flying fragment.. It would seem that people living in stono houses should not throw glass. i According to a doctor, white marks on a man's' finger-nails are a sign that he needs to be more careful about his nerves. Black marks on his thumbnail are a sign that be should be more careful with his hammering. A sports writer says the successful boxer is the ono who keops calm in spite of, the frantic excitement that goes on around him. The unsuccessful one, of course, is the one who allows himself to be carried away.

PROOF "I saw someone trying to kiss your daughter last night." "'.Did he succeed?" "No." "Then it wasn't my daughter. I '' \,i. ; PAIR OP THEM ' V Saridy: "My. boots were, guaranteed for sis; mojiths, and they need ea:;in\" Bootmaker: "They seem to fit." Sandy: "Av, they're fine on me, but tight for. xny-brither on night shift." TO THE POINT Teacher:, "Tommy, why did you not comb your hair this morning?" Tommy: "No comb, sir." "Why did you not borrow a comb from your father?" "No hair." z TOUGH WORK Jones came back from his fortnight's holiday proud of his bulging muscles. , "Look aij these arms," lie said. They were certainly in good condition. His colleagues put it down to rowing, but Jones withered them with 1 scorn. "Rowing be blowed," he snorted. "I got them pulling fish up." - • SALE PRICE A man appeared in court, and when the magistrate imposed a fine of 20 shillings the man pleaded for a reduction 011 the grounds of poverty. - "What are you?" asked the magistrate. j, "A draper, your worship," was the reply. "Then I will make it 10 shillings and 11 pence halfpenny," answered the magistrate. JUST A CHANCE The hospital patient had just had a visit from the surgeon in chargo of his case. • "Ir.say, nlirse," ho said weakly, after the doctor had gone, "that young surgeon who operated on me seems rather pleased with 'my progress, don't you think?" "Oh. he is!" the nurse replied cheerfully. "He 'thinks there's a chance of you being his first successful operation."

A phrenologist claims that he can t-ell if a man has any money by studying the back of his neck. You can try this in a taxi, but more than likely the driver won't have any change. It is Maid that, tho French will spare no effort this summer to break the Atlantic crossing record. But we doubt the fantastic story that the owners of tho Norma ndie are arranging for an aeroplane to tow a tin hare in front of their ocean greyhound. "Cats, my dear," said the spinster, "I hate the very sight of them. I had a sweet little canary and some cat got that. I had a 1 perfect parrot, and some cat got that. I had an adorable fiance, and-—oh, don't mention cats to me!" During tho performance of an English seaside concert party, a rat ran across the stage. We understand that a talent scout in the audience immediately offered the soprano a contract in the 8.8.C. effects department as a railway engine whistle. A GOOD START She: "What did my father say when he heard that you had £2OO saved?" Ho: "Ho tried to borrow it." PROGRESS e "How is Duffer getting along with his golf?" "Pretty well. Ho hit a ball in one to-day. 1:1 FORGING AHEAD Father: "I am proud of the way mv son has worked his way to the top. ' Friend: "What is he doing?" "Well, he started as a shoe-maker and now he's a hairdresser. •A BLOW TO PEACE River attendant: "You two have been fishing together for years, and now, tor the first time, I find you quarrelling.'' Angler: "Well, you soo, it is the first time we have caught anything. 1 " i "NOT LIKELY 1" "Those slugs have eaten all my radishes!" "Why not put. down some saltP" "Certainly noit! If they can't eat 'em without salt, they can go without!"

EXPLANATION "So your namo is Johnny Thompson?" the teacher said, to make sure of the facts, "but your mother's namo is Jones?" "Yes, ma'am/' Johnny said. "You see, she married again, and I didn't." TEMPERING JUSTICE WITH MERCY "Franklin D. Roosevelt Jones," said the judge sternly, "you're plain noaccount and shiftless, andj'm going to seijd you away for a year at hard labour."' "Please, Jedge," interrupted Mrs. Jones from tlic rear of tho court-room, "will 'yo' I-lonah jes' kinder split dat sentence? Don't send him away from homo, but lot dat hard labour stand!"

I do hope that my visits aren't boring to your husband?" "On, no, indeed. However depressed he is when you come, he's always happy when you go."

In his reminiscences, a well-known amateur golfer recalls that ho sold fifty per cent of his interests in a coal mine to enable him to take up the game seriously. In other words, the player began confidently by halving the hole.

An* explorer says that tho best night's rest ho ever had was when he pitched his tent in tho dark and woke up to find himself on tho edgo of a 300 ft. 1 precipice. It was fortunate, of course, that he did not get out of bed on the wrong side that morning.

PROOF v Prospective Mistress: You say you used to work for the Montmorency-' Snooks. Havo you anything to prove that ? New Maid: Well, mum, I've got some spoons and things with their initials on. WRONG END A new pupil arrived at a riding school for some riding lessons. After he mounted the horse, the animal began to kick up while the groom held on to the horse's head. The rider yelled: "Say, let go; can't vou see you're holding down the wrong end?"

CONSOLATION A certain sportsman was playing over a golf course in Scotland, and playing very badly. "Dear, dear!" he remarked at last, "there canna be worse players than myself!" • "Weel. weel, maybe there are worse players, commented tho caddie consolingly, "but they dinna play." NO WONDER At a bank in the tiny Irish village the staff came in in the morning, loafed about, drank tea, and played cards till three o'clock.. "Ha," said tho manager to his junior. "Three. Itun v and close the front door." The junior returned in a minute or so and said, "It is closed, sir. Wo didn't open it this morning." VALUE FOR MONEY Maggie had her full share of Scottish prudence and economy. Sho had worn her old bonnet so long that neighbours offered to get a new ono for her. They asked if sho would prefer straw or silk tis material. "Weel," replied Maggie, " since ye insist on gicin' me a bqnnct, I think I'll take a straw one; it will, maybe, just be a mouthful for the coo when I'm through with it.". . BANNS Thev encountered each other at lunch time, and Jim had some news for Jack. "Have you iieard nbout poor old Percy?" lie said. v "No, what's happened to him?" "He got 'engaged at tho dance Inst night." "Oh, aro tho banns up yet?" "I'll say they arc! No moro smoking, drinking: or hotting." WITH PLEASURE• After six months at a new factory,} the superintendent developed a feeling! that ho wasn't popular, so ho called aside an old worker. "Bill," said tho superintendent, "how is it tho men don't seem to like me? Why, at my last plaratliojr gave mo a silver teapot when 1 left. "Only a silver teapot?" said the candid worker. "Gosh, if you d only leave hero .we'd make at a gold tea service I"-

* 1 In a recent will £SOOO was disposed of in six linos ol verse. So there is money in poetry sometimes. In an interview, a centenarian deplored the fact that beer is not what it was. Lie looks back with longing to the good old daze. "My advice to the 'modern girl,'" says a novelist, "is that she should make up her mind to stay at home one or two evenings a week." Instead 01 making up her face to go out. A composer of popular ballads confesses that he gets most of his ideas from his wife. Of course, a woman can make a song about anything. "It is very difficult,'/ says a magistrate, "for the average breadwinner to know where to begin saving money." And howl Husband: "I wonder why it is we can't save anything!" V Wife: "It's the _ neighbours, dear; they're always doing something we can't' afford." A film critic declares that half the leading actors in Hollywood are anxious to marry a certain star. He does not mention, however, whether the other half have already done so. Readers of a film journal have been asking what has happened to a certain star famous a few years ago. We under-i stand she has retired from the screen and hardly ever gets married now. A pet lamb belonging to the daughter of a suburban farmer invaded flowerbeds and ruined dozens of tulips. As a warning the animal was taken into the kitchen garden and shown the mint. \ The other day wo read of a man who. jvhen he is likely to be late home, sends his wife a message by carrier pigeon. Although.it is very successful, he admitted that 011 certain occasions a dove with an olive branch would bo better.

NOT IN A CROWD (to departing guest): "As we're all such old friends, Jack, why not kiss my wife instead of just shaking hands?" Jack (thoughtlessly): "Thanks, old sport, but we only like kissing when we're alone." NOT GUILTY Mother (indignantly): "Elsie, I was ashamed to see you standing in the garden letting that Swedish gentleman kiss you. Why didn't you forbid him?" Elsie: "I couldn't." "Why not?" "1 do not know any Swedish." AIN'T LOVE GRAND" The maid had been to the pictures, and on her return her employer asked, "Did you enjoy it?" "Oh, yes," said she. "It was lovely, Mum!" "And what was the picture?" The maid thought for a moment, then said: "1 don't know, Mum . . . I went with my young man!" SPIOE OP LIFE " No, thank you, I'll stay at home," said a man who had been invited to join a party visiting the Zoological Gardens. "My eldest daughter does the kangaroo walk, my second slaughter talks like a parrot, my son laughs liko a hyena, my wife watches 1110 like a h?iwk, my. cook's as cross as a bear, and my mother-in-law says I'm an old gorilla! When I go anywhere I want a change!" THE REASON Said Mrs. Browne to her neighbour: "L like my husband to sit in an armchair after his meal and smoke a cigar. It's so cosy. And besides, .1 find that the aroma of a good .cigar calms tho nerves." "I don't lay much weight on aroma or nerves," replied her neighbour, "but I like my husband to smoke; then, if lie mentions economies, I can tell him whero to begin." FIRED I The live-wire salesman walked into tho factory and demanded an interview with tho manager. "Look here, sir," ho began,\ energetically, "I'd liko to talk to } your men aiid sell them my correspondence course on how to put fire and sparkle into their work." Tho manager turned pale. 'Get out of here," he roared. "Got out, you idiot—this is a dynamito factory 1" » WELL I" Thrco prim, elderly maiden ladies were exorcising their prize Pomeranian. Imagine their disgust when tho dog darted through tho swing doors of the Royal Hotel. They could hardly enter such a place, and tho only thing left for them to do wns to enlist tho aid of a passing workman. "Would you kindly fetch our dog from tho hotel, please?" one of them said. "Certainly, lady, certainly!" replied the man, "Which bar wns you in?" NOT SO SLOW Sandy arrived at Euston when noon was striking. He called a taxi, asked tho driver to take him to Waterloo, mentioned,that he had a train to catch at three o'clock. Scouting a greenhorn, the taxidriver made a long detour, and for nearly* three hours Sandy sat back enjoying the sights of London. At two-fifty the taxi drew up at Waterloo, the driver Till smiles. Sandy, hopped out and darted up to a policeman. "What is the taxi faro from Euston to Waterloo?" he asked. Tho policeman told him. Sandy handed him the money. "Would you mind paying my fare, officer?" 110 said. "I've a train to catch." Then ho diVed into tho station.'