CURRENT HUMOUR

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXXV, Issue 23181, 29 October 1938, Page 7 (Supplement)

CURRENT HUMOUR

Optimist: The man who works out tho cost of his holiday in advance. In the old days women used to marry for better or worse. Nowadays, some marry for more or less. "Some girl hikers are dreams," asserts a young tourist. Hut lias lie ever scon a dream walking? An Italian swimmer recently won four out <>f five races on the Lido. The Speed Merchant of Venice. A business man says he agrees that a woman should get a mini's pay. Well, (bow us the wife who doesn't. I-Apcriincnts arc being made with new types of. containers lor eggs. Hens, however, continue to use shells. A man made up as a frog tried to got into a t'aney-dress carnival without paving. Naturally he was told to hop it. In an American big-game hunters' handbook certain animals of increasing rarity are starred. Tigers, however, aro striped. Several cases of grass-fires on racecourses have been reported of late. That's the worst of those red-hot favourites.

SANDWICH? "How is your vegetable garden this year:"" "Fine! We had it for lunch on Monday. CONSIDERATE Student: "I don't think I deserve a kero." _ . Professor: "Neither do I, but it s the lowest mark I'm.allowed to give." WELL—YES! Scotch Customer: "A spur, please." Saddler: "You want a pair of spurs." Customer: "Why* If I make one-half of the horse go, the other must go with it."' WORSE "Have you heard of Mrs. Loudipeaker's misfortune?" "Heavens! Has she lost her voice? "No, her husband has lost his hearing." • r EASY "Elsie is a sly puss. She told young Blank that he might kiss her if he gave up smoking." "Well, what is there sly in that? ' "Why, man alive, he is a nonamok or!" TOO LATE Young Husband (breathless): "I got your 'phone message at the came at once, ghat's happened. - '" Young Wife: "You're too late. Baby had his toes in his mouth and he looked bo pretty!')

QUITE SIMPLE Painter: "But, madam, how can 1 make a portrait that resembles you from these two photographs? One was taken in 1910 and the other recently. Lady., Client: "Oh, 1 thought you could take the face from one and the drebs. from the other.'' IN THE STILLY NIGHT "Congratulations, Mrs, Peterson ! The papers are full of praise for the way in which von boxed the ears of that burglar. I can't think how you dared to do it." "Oh, it came naturally—i thought it juas yi'y husband." REAL HUMOUR At the Crystal Theatre a woman one of those creations known as the latest thing in hats seated herftelf in front of Jim. Suddenly she bethought herself and, turning round, Eaid: "Pardot? nie, sir, but it my hat is interfering with your seeing the comedy, I'll take it off. "Please don't, inadain, replied .Jim. "The hat's much funnier."

The cost of learning to fly in England is l'roiu half-a-crown an hour upwards. And, of course, practically nothing downwards. A doctor says he was very much surprised to find that a patient of his had a second appendix. He didn't know he had it in him. A magazine article informs us that plants often suffer from over-drinking. You should see our aspidistra reaching out for tho aspirins in the ingAccording to a scientific writer, the entire animal kingdom, from the tiny insect to the mighty lion, wages war against man. With mite and mane, so to speak. A writer says: "A marriage seldom fails when husband and wife have something in common to laugh about." A photograph of their wedding-group, for instance. Tho worst of the hire-purchase craze, a writer remarks, is that the buyer is for ever paying instalments. This will he news indeed to many hire-purchase concerns. A new American comic opera is called "My Kingdom for a Cow". At great personal risk we want to be the first to anticipate that the play will be "quite a new depasture, with plenty of grazeful moosic. SUCCESS AT LAST Then there is the fable about thfe musical genius who gave the best years of his life to perfect a melody. At last success came, and it was adopted as the theme song for a cereal company broadcast.

SLEUTH WANTED "You need another character to make that plav a success." ••What:-" "A detective." "What fori"' "To hnd tiio plot." FLOWERY Two women were discussing the wife of a neighbour. . "Och, Maggie, she's got an aspidistra faf "And what'll yc be meaning by that, Jane*'' . ~ "Always at the window. STALE They often quarrelled, but just before her birthday she was sweetness itself. She (purring): "\Nhnt arejyou going to givci mo for my birthday.'^ He (scowling): "Nothing. . She: "But darling, can t you think of .something original? You gave me that last year."

"How did your 'Othello' go?" ''Wonderful. Desdemona had to be strangled six times before the audience stopped clapping." A recent news film showed us a new invention that enables a car to move sideways. So the advent of the taxi-crab cannot be far off. Sentenced to ten years' imprisonment in 1935, a Belgian has been released four times for short periods. Ho seems to bo doing his sentence by syllables. According to a detective, many people who vanish mysteriously are convinced that they are not wanted. Others aro only too well aware that they are. A French villager's claim to be a hundred and twenty years old is regarded with suspicion. It is thought that he has been reckoning in cabinets instead of years. Diving for sponges, we are told by a radio lecturer, often causes very severe headaches. Yes, we know. Only yesterday we banged our head on the side of the bath. Friend (gazing aloft): "Aren't you worried when you see your husband looping the loop!'" Aviator's Wife: "Oh, no. You see, I remove all his loose change from his pockets before he goes up." PLENTY Chief: "The cashier's post is worth £lO a month.'' Applicant: 'Tm —one cannot go far on that." Chief: "It's not intended that one should."

EYES RIGHT! Captain (to gunner): "See that man on the bridge ten miles away?" Gunner: "Aye, aye, sir." Captain: "Let him have a tvvclvoincfi shell in the eye." Gunner. "Which eye, sir?" DETAILS A negro doing a hauling job was told that he could not be paid until he submitted a statement of -lis account. After a great deal of meditation lie evolved the following bill: "Three comes and three goes at threepence a went, Is. 9d." PUBLICITY TO THE END "Well," said the business man, "you better put in a clause about my employees. To each man who has worked for me 20 years 1 give and bequeath 50,000 dollars." "But," said the lawyer, "you haven t been in business twenty years." "I know it, man, but it's good advertising." SONS OF THE SOIL "What's Dick doing now?" "Well, Dick's a cattle salesman. "And William?" "He's a minister." "And Tom?" "Tom is in politics. "And you?" "I'm farming—and feeding Dick, Tom and William." TOMMY KNEW "What is it that fine feathers make, Tommy?" "1 don't know, teacher. "Oh. yes, you do know. Now think — fine feathers make fine —" "I really don't know, teacher. "Yes, you do, Tommy. It begins with the letter 'b'." "Oh, yes—beds, teacher. INCONSIDERATE An old railway worker was retired after lortv vcars with his company. To his delight, in addition to his pension it was decided to give him an old railway coach, dumped in a held, in which fo live. . Alter he had settled down, two of his former employers decided to pay a call on the old fellow and see how he was cettin ,T on To their great astonishment, they found him sitting outside the coach in the pouring rain, smoking a cigarette. . "You'll "ct soaked!" they exclaimed. "Why in the world arc you sitting 1 '"Well." snorted the old fellow indignantlv, "the silly chumps went and eent mo a non-smoking carriage.,"

Warning to Bachelors: He called a girl "honey I ' —and she stuck to him. Have you heard ot the absent-minded gangster who held his machine-gun on his lap and fired his secretary. "You're not as slender as you used to be, dear." "No—l'm not my old sylph." "What does the public spend in a day at our post-office stamp counters?" asks a writer. Hours and hours. "Youthful composer weds." announces a headline. Now he'll get something to make a isong about. The perfect wife always laughs at her husband's best jokes. The perfect husband only tells her them once. A London boy recently ate four dozen apples in a day. But it was 110 use—a doctor arrived at the house toward evening. A burglar found by the police in a house said at first that he was a plumber. A thin story. He had his tools with him. "Who wants to stop in all day during this delightful weather?" asks a correspondent. Quito a lot of batsman, is the answer.

BEWARE THE LADY Once upon a time man used to pet out of the way of women drivers through a sense of chivalry. Now it's sheer panic. REALISATION She: "You looked terribly stupid when you asked father for my hand." He: "Yes, on that occasion my face was an indicator of my mind." FIRST AID Mistress: "There, now, I've cut my finger." Maid: "You ought to have something to twist round it, ma'am. I'll fetch your husband." FOREBODING Tommy: "Mother, could you get father's handkerchief out of his pocket and untie the knot in it?" Mother: "Whatever for, sonny?" Tommy: "I—er —think that knot means mc." MORE SOOPE "I hear your son is to be a dentist. You said recently that he was to he an ear specialist." "Yes, he wanted to be, but I persuaded him that a man has p2 teeth and only two ears." VULNERABLE Parson: "It was a good sermon today, Geordie, though perhaps you thought it a wee bit personal." Geordie: "Ah dinna ken about that, moil. It wad be a queer sermon that didn't hit me somewhere." ASKING TOO MUCH She: "1 have just read in the newspaper that widows make the best wives." He: "Maybe, my clear; but you cannot expect me to kill myself so that you can be.'a good wife to someone else."

TOUGH CUSTOMERS A salesman was dismissed because of a lark of courtesy to customers. A month later the sales manager spotted him walking about in a police uniform. Sales Manager: "I seo you have joined the force. .Jones." Jones: "Yes, this is what I lr.ive been looking for all my lil'e. On this job the customer is always wrong." TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE A timid little man crept, up to the inspector's desk in the police station. "My wife has disappeared, Inspector," he said, shyly. "When?" asked tlio inspector. ''A fortnight ago." "Why didn't you come to us before:-'" "I just couldn't believe it, Bir." DID NOT GET HER MAN Said a stately lady, approaching the "situations vacant" department or the local newspaper: "I want to advertise for a man. I want to get a man to carry coals in the winter, keep up the fires, shovel snow, mow the lawn, sprinkle it, tend the flowers, mind the children, wash the dishes, sweep the front, run errands, and all that sort of work. In short, T want a man who will be always about the place and can be called upon for any kind of hard work. He must bo sober and trustworthy, of good appearance, not over thirty—" "Kxcnse rue, madam," interrupted the clerk, "we do not accept matrimonial advertisements."