CURRENT HUMOUR

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXXV, Issue 23127, 27 August 1938, Page 5 (Supplement)

CURRENT HUMOUR

Latest howler: "The plural of whim is women."

.According to one scientist, we live ,in an age of much change. Very little of it seems to come our way.

•4. »> y ? U wanfc a thing and can't afford it, writes an essayist, "there is only one thing to do." Without it.

Ihere is always a danger in writing to an ideal," declares a poet. For instance, she might keep the letters.

A gossip-writer announces that young men aro affecting those ridiculous little moustaches again. That will ticklo the girls 1

Honest Angler (to friend). "Yes, tho fish was too small to bother with, so 1 got two men to throw it back into tho river."

An experimental news-sheet printed on transparent paper has been produced. Is there to be no privacy at the breakfast-table?

I can't say how much beer I drank," maintained a defendant in Court recently. A case of XXX equalling the unknown quantity.

A film critic points out that Miss Mao West has a very quiet speakingvoice. 'that is so. Miss West doesn't bellow—sho billows.

"Your husband must have absolute quiet. Hero is a sleeping draught." "How often do I give it to him?" "You don't givo it to himj you take it your-

We aro informed by a farmer that a lamb can attain a speed of nearly 30 miles an hour. No doubt it has to if it wants to keep up with Mary nowadays,

THE REASON "You cough with much more ease this morning," said the doctor. "That is not remarkable," retorted the patient. "I've been practising all night."

FRESH WATER, TOO! "Mary," inquired the lady of the house, suspiciously, "did you wash this lish carefully before you baked it?" "What's the use of washin' a fish that's lived all his life in the water?" replied Mary. CHANCES MISSED "Killed much?" asked tho patient of the doctor who had just returned from a big game shoot. ".Nothing," replied the doctor. "My time could have been better occupied at home." CURRENT JOKE Woman (telephoning): "Tho cooker has gone wrong—l can't get enough heat in the oven. It wants more electricity or something. Do you understand?" Answering Voice: "Certainly, ma am, more power to you." SPITE "Yes," said the bride-to-be, discussing her wedding plans, "the bridesmaids will be Lola Lemon and —" "But," said a friend, "I thought you didn't like Lola." "I don't," replied the bride, "but I'm going to be married in yellow and you know how that will match Lola's complexion."

A retired butler is writing his reminiscences. We understand that an enthralling chapter is "Doors At Which 1 Have Paused Discreetly To Cough Behind."

A street entertainer has been summoned for causing a crowd to collect. There are several actors on tho legitimate stage who'd plead guilty with pleasure.

Foremost among tho discouraging incidents to which a business man must accustom himself is seeing a secretary yawn while writing one of his snappy salesmanship letters.

Members Qf a nudist organisation recently held a banquet. Everything went off very well until the chairman had occasion to crder some potatoes back to the kitchen to have their din-ner-jackets removed. CHARGED UP Guest: "Waiter, put this bill right, please. Omelette with two t's." Waiter: "Thank you, sir. That will be another shilling. "I'LL SAY!" "Have you heard anything of the tenner you lent your neighbour?" "I should think so. He bought a wireless set with it."

COOL Pretty Saleswoman: "I have played all the newest records. Have you decided on one, or do you want to hear some more? "No thanks —I see it has stoppod raining now." SAFE Young Mother: "Nannie, when you take baby out, just see that nobody kisses her." Nurse: "Don't you worry, ma'am; nobody will kiss baby whilo I am about." OMIT THE FRILLS Bill: "What about the dollar you owe me?" Tom: "It's your birthday on Friday. I'll bring it to you with my congratulations." Bill: "You just bring the money and I'll congratulate myself." HOPELESS Her lover was timid and sho had tried everything she could think of to encourage him. At last she thought of something else. She: "Do you know, the arm of a young man just goes round the waist of a girl ?" He: "How interesting. Have you a tape measure?"

"Beware of the man who has a habit of dashing off a couple of lines in a slipshod way," warns a caligraphist. And especially when he's driving a rail-way-engine.

A circus clown told an interviewer that it was a fine thing to bo on the road. Motorists will probably have noticed already that that is where most of the clowns are. ►

Some U.S. crooks, who are suspected of stealing about 24,000 towels from railway trains, have been arrested. There is every reason to believe that they will come clean.

A dog seized a joint of meat while his master was visiting the butcher's. "Is that your dog?" asked tho butcher, angrily. "It was," replied the other, "But he's keeping himself now." RATS! "If you and your mother keep nagging, you will bring out the animal in me." "Don't say that, Henry. We're both scared of mice." DRASTIO CHANGE "Father," said the minister's son, "my teacher says that 'collect' and 'congregate' mean the same thing. Do they?" "Perhaps, my son; perhaps they do," said the clergyman. "But there is a vast difference between a 'congregation' and a 'collection.' " WAXING SARCASTIC The farmer was showing his new hand around the farm, explaining all the jobs he would have to do. When the list had been completed the man asked: "How about clearing the snow from round the house?" "What on earth do you mean? There's no snow at this time of year," said the farmer. "No, but by the time I've finished my jobs there will be." SORRY HE SPOKE Tho chemist had been aroused at 2 a.m., and was in no amiable frame of mind. "The idea," lie cried furiously, "of waking me at this time of night for two pennyworth of soda for indigestion when a glass of hot water would liav<; done just as well." "Weel," returned McDonald, "I did na know, but i thank ye for the advice, and I'll no bother ve after all. Goodnight."

OH! OH! Baseball Fan (boasting): "I've soon theso teams piny so often I can tell the score of this old ball game before it starts." Novico: "All right then, wlmt is it?" baseball Fan: "Nothing to nothing—before it starts." ,